what makes us cry

"Italian critic Franco Moretti has argued, for example, that literature that makes
us cry operates via a special manipulation of temporality: what triggers our crying
is not just the sadness or suffering of the character in the story but a very precise
moment when characters in the story catch up with and realize what the audience
already knows. We cry, Moretti argues, not just because the characters do, but at
the precise moment when desire is finally recognized as futile. The release of
tension produces tears - which become a kind of homage to a happiness that is
kissed goodbye. Pathos is thus a surrender to reality but it is a surrender that pays
homage to the ideal that tried to wage war on it."

- Linda Williams, "Film Bodies: Gender, Genre, and Excess"

a trip that spanned across two years

Happy New Year everybody!

Holidays are coming to an end for me, school is going to start in another 2 days time and I just returned from the land of Vietnam.

The countdown to 2012 was done in Vietnam, proving to be the first time I did a countdown in a foreign country, and it was pretty interesting experience (I can't put a finger down on whether it was surreal, but it might have been). I wrote previously about the concept of time and how it feels so real and yet so unreal - that was exactly how I felt when I was in Hanoi counting down to 2012 with 90% Vietnamese and 10% foreigners; I was pretty sure there were plenty of Singaporeans with me as well, at least, there were three other Singaporeans with me for sure.

The time zone in Vietnam is GMT +7, while in Singapore it is GMT +8, so technically we were an hour behind everyone in Singapore while we were up north. It was 11pm in Vietnam when everyone in Singapore reached 2012, and in a weird and small way, I felt it was 2012 too. Because deep down in my heart, even when I was in Hanoi, I felt and I knew I was a Singaporean. It is so hard to think of oneself as a local when you are in Hanoi, unlike a city such as Taipei where the language is not an issue. It felt as if everyone in Singapore has gone on ahead without us, to a 2012 that we were still an hour away.

But then, when the countdown began in Hanoi's city center next to the Hoan Kiem Lake and the sparklers started burning (there were no fireworks, which proved to be a disappointment; I wonder if I have gotten too used to fireworks back at home), I felt a sense of connection, like the New Year is the same for everyone. Everyone becomes delighted at the New Year, though for what reasons I do not exactly know. It is just the act of counting down together, dancing and singing on the streets that somehow connected us together.

And this, in a small way, brought us connection back to everyone in Singapore.

-------------

Vietnam surprised me. And I surprised myself.

I suppose I could sum the trip up like that; although it does not do justice to sum anything that lasted 6 days into 7 words.

To be frank, I wasn't that excited before I touched down in the country. It was a country that I never thought I was going to visit, the language is unfamiliar to me, I don't know what I was looking forward to in a country such as Vietnam, in a city such as Hanoi. There isn't much to do anyway in a city where its main attractions are a lake, a mausoleum and museums. Of course, you can always top this up with pubbing, which technically can be found in any city. Halong Bay, with its status as a UNESCO Heritage Site, didn't really excite me either. I'm not really a sucker for beautiful landscapes anyway, and a thousand similar rock outcrops didn't sound like a prospect.

And for such low expectations, Vietnam certainly didn't disappoint. In fact, she surprised me. Sure, there really wasn't much to do in Hanoi. Halong Bay didn't have anything more than just rocky outcrops and mountains and caves. However, it was the Vietnamese people who captured my heart while I was there.

Our trip was divided technically into three parts: city tour of Hanoi, nature tour of Halong Bay, and a closing tour in Hanoi.

In the city tour, we went museum touring, looked at Ho Chi Ming's body in the mausoleum, did a count down, walked around the lake, shopped and ate. Shopping isn't too bad; I'm not much of a shopper but I found myself buying the most out of the four of us who were there in the first three days. I bought a beanie, and then a T-shirt, and then a sling bag. The sling bag was probably the only cultural Vietnamese item that I bought for myself, and it was my favourite buy.

We were, of course, scammed while we were in Hanoi. I wouldn't say SCAMMED really, but it was more like we were overcharged for things that we paid for. It was not unexpected. In Vietnam, you have a 99% chance of being scammed/overcharged the moment you open your mouth and speak in English, even if you are Asian and look pretty much like a Vietnamese. The only way to lower the chances of being overcharged is to speak their language.

It was the same feeling in Halong Bay - the feeling of being exploited and overcharged for something that is worth only a little. The food wasn't that fantastic on the tour (sometimes it was bland), drinks were not included and the tour wasn't that organised anyway. We went trekking and the guide wasn't even with us, which might be a good thing because it made the experience more exciting and adventurous. We went for a massage and it really wasn't that great anyway.

However, there was one thing that redeemed the trip for me, and in a way, changed me - the people.

Sure, they may be exploiting us because we couldn't speak Vietnamese. They may be overcharging us because we don't know what the hell was going on. But then, they were just making a living. Besides, its not like they were really scamming us. They are just charging a higher price than usual. Vietnamese are poor people, way poorer than Singaporeans, and that extra US$2 could have meant a lot to them. It could have gotten them a good meal for once, while to me, S$3 could just have gotten a plate of chicken rice.

It isn't much, when you think about it. When I got to see the smiles on the faces of the people, I really began to feel so happy. Vietnamese aren't bad people, they are just poor. And it takes so little just to bless them, and I don't see why I shouldn't.

When we finally got back to Hanoi from Halong Bay on the last day of our trip, I began to see Vietnam in a different light. They were nice people.

It's so easy to see them as horrible who are just out to scam us when we are with other tourists, especially those from the West. It's so easy to just feel horrible about the trip and think that Vietnam sucks when we keep complaining and busking ourselves in complaints and more complaints.

In Hanoi, as I began to look at the locals differently, I somehow managed to see that they aren't as bad as others might say they are. It became easier to shop when bargaining isn't just to bring the price lower, but to also interact with the locals in a more fun and meaningful way.

I suppose the one most memorable moment for me, was when I was sold a pack of snacks for 50000 Dong. It sure wasn't worth that much, and I could guess as much as I interacted with those who sold me that packet of snacks. The one selling was an old lady, and there were like two or three other younger Vietnamese with her too. The old lady couldn't speak English, so the other Vietnamese were translating for her (she was just peddling the snacks, and it just so happens that we were at a shop where the younger Vietnamese were). They were laughing to each other as I paid up the 50000 Dong, which sort of means I have been made a fool of, and so was the old lady. However, for the old lady, her laugh wasn't just because I have paid 50000 Dong for snacks, but because she managed to make so much money, she could probably enjoy a a better meal for once.

50000 Dong is only S$3. It wasn't a big deal for me and S$3 was worth it to make somebody's day.

For what I expected from Vietnam, I was really surprised - both by the people, and by how I changed my attitude to them.

-------------

I didn't believe anyone who told me that I looked like a Vietnamese, until a Vietnamese told me the same.

you can only do so many things at once

Multitasking - that is one skill which I have never had the chance to master, and probably never will. Some people find it easy, while others like me, find that it is the most difficult thing (or things) to manage.

No I am not talking about having to drive while talking on the phone and eat breakfast in the car at the same time. I am talking about a more macro version of multitasking: to commit to many things at a point in one's life.

This is my theory: every person can only ideally commit himself (or herself, but there is a theory that says females can multitask better) to a maximum of four commitments at any point in his life. Having more than four means that he will not be able to perform his best in any of these because his resources (time and energy) cannot be focused on an optimum level.

I do acknowledge that this may be different for different individuals because every person's energy levels might be different, but the amount of time given is constant, and the results can only vary so much.

Commitment comes in a variety of forms, but it's basically very simple. As long as a certain something demands that you commit a certain amount of time to it, it is a commitment. And the most common commitments are:

• School/Work (including Part Time Jobs)
• Boyfriend/Girlfriend
• Religion (usually Christianity)
• CCAs
• Some relationships (such as family or friends)

The list, of course, is not exhaustive.

Because it is my theory, and because I have developed it from my own life, it is not difficult to understand that I try my best to stick to just four commitments in my life. And they were: School, Girlfriend, Religion, CCA (Canoeing).

For me, friendships hold a very special position. Because for me the commitment of friendships, it is interesting to note, is shared among the four commitments in my life. This means that I maintain my friendships within the context of these commitments. While this may not be applicable to every person, it is perhaps safe to say that this applies to most persons. Friendships are maintained along the context of work, school, or religion. And this is why people classify their friends into "school friends", "work friends", or "church friends". (this warrants an entire article about having "spheres" in our lives, so I shall not dwell on it) So when I say "Some relationships" as one of the commitments that people engage in, I am referring to friendships beyond these spheres.

_________________________________________________________________

It is then time for an announcement.

I have only recently withdrawn from my CCA, Canoeing, because of a new commitment at this point in time. Yes I am no longer a canoeist, and I am sad about this because I have recently found much passion in the sport, and I made the decision to withdraw only after much deliberation.

In it's place as a commitment, is a research project under NTU's URECA programme with my film theory professor.

Initially, I was planning to forgo this research opportunity and continue with the team because I had no interest in post-graduate studies or even in joining the academia when I graduate. But after some discussions with friends and a good deal of reflection, I decided that this was the chance for me to carefully consider and see for myself whether academic research is something that interests me or not. Also, such an opportunity does not knock all the time, and I felt that it would be such a waste if I just let it go.

It was therefore with a heavy heart when I told my captain that I have decided to withdraw from the team because of academic commitments. I could have stayed on, but I decided not to because I did not want to discourage the team by my absence or even put a strain on the resources of the team when I am not giving my best.

So, I have effectively transformed from a canoeist to a research assistant (or more glamorously, "NTU President Research Scholar", as the programme calls it).

God really likes pushing me in areas where I have never considered before. I remember in 2004, I have never considered JC as an option for post-secondary education. I chose a polytechnic, but was sent to a junior college instead. I didn't think I would like to do English Literature when I was in secondary school or even junior college, but I ended up doing English Literature in university. I have never thought I would be doing academic research, and now I am in a programme meant for grooming academic research scholars.

Let's see where God is bringing me to this time.

In Decisions

Alright, long hiatus from blogging. Totally couldn't find the time to do it. Besides that, I guess most of my writing energy went into my internship anyway, if there is such a thing. The internship is over now, so if you are wondering where all those writing went, it's all here: www.hometeam.sg

Let me start off this post with two facts of life.

Fact of life 1: We all hate making decisions.

Seriously. I hate making decisions. The most decisive person hates making decisions too. We all hate to choose, admit that. If I could have my say, I would want everything in the world, so I don't have to choose which ones I can have and which ones I can't. Because choosing something means giving up another.

If I wanna go travelling, what's the best thing to do? Go travel to every single goddamn country on this planet, and maybe discover some new ones in the process of course. Why bother to choose whether I wanna go to Paris or America, or China or Japan? Just say, I wanna f-ing travel. And travel everywhere.

And what's the best transport you can ever dream of? Of course it's a luxury car, that looks and functions like a sports car, that can also travel on the sea or even under water like a submarine, not to forget that it can also transform itself to fly too, probably even turn into a space shuttle, and if the situation arises, can travel on a railroad like a train as well. Oh yes, an all-in-one car. Who wouldn't want that? Now we don't even need to choose between taking a cruise or a plane to our next holiday destination while we are on the above mentioned around-the-world trip.

Oh, how about the perfect boyfriend? Can't choose between this guy or that guy? (I know I am being gender biased here, but please, I don't need to write this twice, so I'll write for the girls because ladies come first) Of course you can't. What you want is someone who is good looking, kind, rich, witty, honest, sporty, intelligent, bookish, muscular, not overbearingly manly, someone who can read you poetry, do your laundry, fix your house lighting or plumbing, cunning sometimes, and whatever else a guy should have. You want all the qualities the a guy might have packed into one. That'll be wonderful isn't it.

Or the perfect child? Of course you want your child to have a 'holistic' development. And this includes wanting him to learn music, dancing, art, sports, history, math, languages, science and every single thing that a human being invented for the betterment of the mind. Your child has to know every f- thing and probably even write an encyclopedia off his mind.

Fact of life 2: We can't have everything in life.

And what does this mean? This means that we have to choose. Yes, whether you like it or not, we as humans need to make decisions and choices in our lives. It is ultimately inevitable to choose one thing over the other because we can't have everything we want in the world.

We only get 24 hours a day, and we have finite number of days to live. Some has more, some has less. But it's finite. This means that one day, we are going to die, and when we die, we stop getting the things we want. So there are definitely some things that we have to give up along the way.

Length of our life is one thing, opportunity is another. Some opportunities just simply clash with each other. It's about the timing. For example, I had to choose between an internship with Singapore Press Holdings or the Ministry of Home Affairs. I wanted both, because I see value in both internship opportunities, but I could only choose one as they offer themselves in a time period that clashes with each other. And in the end I chose the Ministry of Home Affairs, because of an interest to be involved in the ministry after graduation.

Another thing that we cannot avoid: the capacity for us to do only one thing at a time. I'm not talking about multi-tasking here. I'm talking about choosing the next course in our lives. Do I go for a post-graduate course or do I spend the time building my career? Do I get attached now or enjoy singlehood for the next few years? These things involves choices and decisions. I can't do a post-graduate course and build my career at the same time (well, you technically can... but it's a little different), and I can't be attached and enjoy singlehood at the same time. To be attached means to give up singlehood, and to be single means to give up being attached.

Conclusion?

We have to choose, whether you like it or not. I remember writing an article many years ago about 'choice'. I said that we make a choice every single day and second. We make choices in what we wear, what we say, what we do. Even if we decide not to make a choice, we have CHOSEN not to make a choice, which is a choice in itself.

This time round, I am talking about choosing what you want in your life. Bigger choices, choices that we have to make deliberately. And we can't just don't choose, because that will bring us nowhere. So here's the thing, make your decisions early. Decisive people get a head start, because they know what they want and they start to build towards it early on in the race. Making a big decision like life choices is a long and tedious process. It doesn't mean that you can get what you want simply because you make a decision to want it. From the decision, you still need to work towards this aim that you have. So early decision makers actually get a head start from the rest.

I do not mean that you make a decision hastily. But do not postpone something unnecessarily. Even if at the end of the day, you decide to change your original decision, it will still be alright. For example, if you decide that you want to work in this particular firm in the future, and you begin to build your portfolio and skills towards this target, and then you decide somewhere down the road that you do not wish to go ahead with this plan anymore, know that the portfolio you have built and the skills that you attained will not go to waste. These things remain with you. What will really go to waste is if you do not decide on anything, and spent the time doing things really does not help you accomplish much.

So really, just some food for thought. Chew on it and let me know what you think. It is late, and I shall sign off.

Ciao.

SHINGLES

I'm down with shingles.

Actually, that is outdated information. But then again, it is not.

I am still down with shingles, but I got shingles a week ago. To be exact, last Monday.

But then again (again), Monday is when I was diagnosed with shingles. The real date that the virus came haunting is probably 2 Wednesdays ago. That, I cannot be exact.

So yes, I was down with shingles, and I am still down with shingles, and I am not sure if I will still be down with shingles come tomorrow when I visit the doctor at the Communicable Disease Centre (CDC) for a check-up.

The doctor, some specialist I suppose, will determine if I will turn people into zombies when I go out into the streets. (Which is quite ironic, because I have to go out into the streets to see him anyway. Which reminds me, I was still in the street when I left the hospital after being diagnosed. I guess the policy is "as long as I don't infect anybody that I know, that's fine")

Oh yes, it's a virus infection. Yes it is infectious. Or contagious, or communicable. Pick your word. Meaning, it's like what happens in "LEFT 4 DEAD", people will get infected if they aren't immune to the virus and if they get into contact with me. Except this time, they won't turn into brain eating zombies.

So how do you become immune to the virus? Simple enough, you just need to be immune to chicken pox. This virus is the same one that gives people chicken pox. After I got chicken pox like more than 10 years ago, the virus hid itself in my nerves and waited.

It's a very patient virus, because it waited over 10 years before it decides to come out and strike again. Simply put, this is what causes shingles. That's the layman version.

To make it even more layman, I called the condition chicken pox V2.

Many doctors will disagree with me.

So, back to 3 paragraphs ago. How can you be immune to chicken pox (V1)? 2 ways. You need to get it before. Or you need to get a chicken pox vaccine (which is essentially a mild version of the virus itself to let your immune system to create a blueprint for a defensive system).

So once you are protected against V1, you won't be vulnerable to V2. Apparently, V2 only comes after V1. So you won't get V2 from me right out of the oven.

Anyway. Yes. Back to wherever I was. I am down with shingles. And I have been given seven days of medical leave. Yes, seven full days. One entire oh-my-god week. It's a boon because I get to rest and sleep in and not have to think about my work for a week. It's a bane because I got confined in the house and cannot see anybody other than my family members for seven full days. This includes my girlfriend, whom I dearly miss.

Yes, that's the biggest bane for me. When I first realised that I was given seven days of medical leave, I was delighted. I thought I could finally spend some time with my girlfriend. Indeed, I haven't been able to spend much time with her because of work, and this I thought was the perfect opportunity.

But when I told her the news and what my condition entailed, she let me know that she was not infected with chicken pox before. My heart sank. This meant that I would not be able to see her until I fully recover and certified clear. This meant that I would not be able to see her for one week, which probably is the longest time we've not seen each other in almost a year (yes, next week is our anniversary, congratulate us).

I am shocked, because I always thought chicken pox was a very common virus (not as common as flu, but you know what I mean). Apparently it is not. Almost all the friends that I spoke, whom I thought could spend some time with me, all did not have chicken pox before. So, I guess I was wrong.

So one week. Seven days. What have I done in seven days. Seven full days being cooped up in a 4 room HDB flat in Choa Chu Kang. Two words: not much.

I spent about three days gaming. Just gaming and gaming and gaming, because I haven't gotten much of a chance to game ever since I started work. So this is payback time. I finished "Front Mission Evolved", which is a game about robots and finished the storyline, as well as getting myself the best upgrades for my robot. The game isn't too bad. Graphics is all right (it's PS3, by the way), gameplay is pretty cool, but storyline sucks. Storyline sucks bad. I could have written a better ending for the game. But I shall not dwell on that. I proceeded to play my MMORPG, Lord of the Rings Online, which I cannot finish. Edgaros (my character), did manage to gain two levels though. He's level 56 now. I also got him a new sword and a new belt. Hurrah.

Alright. I spent another day playing this iPhone game called Tiny Tower. Basically, I've got too much time to spare. And I sympathised with the Bitizens (Bitizens are people who live in the tower. They are called as such because they are very pixelised and they are just BITs of data on the screen. Very cruel) because they are cooped up in the tower like me. So I do my best to give them their dream jobs. This made them happy. Now many of them have happy faces because they are working in their dream jobs. I've got quite a lot of services in my tower, and they are: bank, health club, volleyball club, aquarium, photo studio, pottery studio, book store, diner, pizza place. Of course there residential levels for the Bitizens to stay as well. The tower is currently 18 floors high, with one retail store being built.

But of course I didn't spend the whole day playing that game. I may be bored, but not that bored. I spent one half of the day playing and the second half reading. I am reading this book Labyrinth by Borges, which is given to me as a birthday present last year by my girlfriend. I finished four short stories: "Funes the Memorious", "The Shape of the Sword", "Theme of the Traitor and the Hero", and "Death and the Compass". I loved all of Borges' short stories, especially "The Shape of the Sword" and "Theme of the Traitor and the Hero". I just love the way Borges weaves "story-telling" into his stories and still manages to add a pinch (sometimes more than a pinch) of philosophy into the mixture. It really shows how well he knows his narrative, and even "narration" itself. Some stories just mindfuck you while some just blows you away while some just makes you think.

I'm not that great a book reviewer, but do take a read if you've got the time.

And in the last two days of the week, my sister introduced me to this Hong Kong drama series called 与敌同行. Not sure if it's a soap opera (ST says it is) but it's really really very exciting and engaging. The story goes like this: 10 years ago, Hei got accused for murder, and the one who testified against him was his own cousin, Yin. He was sentenced to 13 years in prison and got released 10 years later. The story takes place in the present. Hei, after being released, determines that Yin was the real murderer and decides to open the case again. But how can he do it? Who will trust him? He works for Yin's company in order to gain his trust. It's a show about acting and deceiving. Who's acting? Who's not? Who's a better actor than the other? Who's going to be hurt in the process? Will Yin finally get his punishment? It's all part of the show, so no spoilers here.

I finished the series in two days.

This is the last day of my medical leave. I'll be going for a clearance check-up tomorrow and once I am clear, I will have to go straight to work. I guess seven days break is really more than enough for me.

This is the day, this is the day...

It’s been… well, I don’t know how long it has been. It’s been awhile. That’s for sure. I’ve been held up with life. Yes, just life. Living. Doing things and being busy.

Exams were over more than two weeks ago. I celebrated my birthday about two weeks ago. I used up the left over four days of my summer to do I-can’t-remember-what except to eat and to spend my birthday with my girlfriend. I am into the third week of my internship.

I must say, I’ve not had a REAL birthday celebration with someone special in my life. This is a first for me. When I was younger, it’s either we broke up before my birthday, got together after my birthday, or we were simply in school during my birthday. I just never got to celebrate. So I must say I am really happy this year for my 23rd. So here’s a shout out: THANK YOU LOVE FOR THE WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY PLANNED FOR ME. :D

The day after my birthday, I had to report for work. This is the third week of the internship and to say frankly, I haven’t had much to do. Been to a few events, helped with some photo-taking, but I haven’t really gotten down to much writing. Wrote some articles, but they are yet to be published. I’m getting restless.

I miss my life. I miss chilling out and doing nothing and just lazing around in the house. I miss just gaming for an entire day or just simply do whatever I like. I miss sleeping late and waking late and seeing that the world has already moved on and I’m just left behind in my own little space. I miss being by myself in my own space doing my own things.

*

I wonder how my results will be like. For the first time since I was matriculated, I’m having this ‘good feeling’ about the results. I’m not sure if this is the first time I’ve felt this in my life, but if I did, they usually end up in some form of disappointment.

I hate to have this ‘good feeling’. I hate it because it has such a high potential of setting up for the greatest disappointment you can ever feel. The greater the ‘good feeling’, the greater the disappointment. And it doesn’t even help one bit to make the final excitement better. It just sets you up for a possible disappointment and it’s unavoidable.

*

I’ve finally gotten a PS3 after a year of deciding if I should. I don’t play on it much though, because I simply cannot find the time to. It’s not the job. It really is the church. Just last week alone, I spent 4 out of 5 weekday nights doing church work or being at church.

I spoke to my sister recently about coming back to church (she stopped coming some time back), and she told me that she cannot take how the church just takes up so much of her (our) time. I agreed.

In case you are wondering, Evangel just happens to be a church that is very time- demanding. Some of my friends have left for the greener grass on the other side, and from what I am hearing, the people there enjoy a much more relaxed time. They enjoy worshipping God and coming to church. It’s not an obligation for them. And I don’t know why it is for me (us).

*

There are no quick fixes in this world, not even Jesus the Christ my Lord and Saviour Almighty Healer and Forgiver and Lamb and Son of the Great Almighty Omniscient Omnipotent Omnipresent God my Heavenly Father.

This is a problem. So many people come to church looking for a quick fix. Like, I come to church and I accept Jesus Christ as my saviour and I say Amen and I am saved and life is gonna be good and normal and just the way I want it. I am going to be holy and pure and Christian because I said the sinner’s prayer and I eat holy communion once every month and sing worship songs and I pray and I read the bible and I go for devotion and bible study and prayer groups and I reach out to people and teach them about Christ and I get a badge for the most number of souls saved.

Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you.

Christianity and the church are not quick fixes. Everyone in the church is broken. Of course you may want to say there are those more broken than others, but the truth remain that everybody is broken. Spoilt in some warped sense. Everyone has a dark little secret, something that they cannot share with other people, something that they struggle with themselves and cry every time they think about it and compare it with the kind of limitless grace God provides.

I cry a lot when I worship or when I pray. And I hate to do that. I cry only when I think of some crappy thing that I’ve done and I think of how much God grace I require from God. It’s a sense of shame that I feel, not a sense of holiness.

I am as broken as anybody else and righteousness only breaks me more.

*

Charlie went up Candy Mountain because his friends asked him to. He was knocked out and found that a kidney was stolen from him.

He followed his friends again under the sea and was again knocked out and his other kidney stolen.

In the end, he found his kidneys hanging on the Christmas tree.

*

Nyan Cat is a cat that nyans. Its body is made of poptart and all it does is cruise through space aimlessly/carelessly.

It goes nyan nyan nyan and creates rainbow in it’s path.

*

Neptune didn’t take it too well that Pluto was removed from the solar system.

Dwarf planet. What does that make me now?

Pluto always complained of being last in the list, and now he is the first on another.

*

At 2300HRS, you are to commence operation code Delta Charlie Boy Boy at location 012238 Michael. Make sure that you have with you everything on list no. 382710 and that you have prepared accordingly to standard operating procedure no. 8732085. You must understand that according Military Act no. 145 Chapter 2009 Section 49087 Paragraph U, you are required to respond and act only according to the protocol no. 31152. Do you understand, S7398234A?

*

If a tree falls in the forest and somebody is there, he would hear it and know that the tree has fallen and that there was indeed a tree.

But if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it fall, did the tree really fall or was there indeed a tree?

Yes it did really fall and there would indeed be a tree because God would be there to see it.

*

I cannot trust myself anymore. I have discovered that I am a product of ideology and brain washing and systems and societal moulding and I do not trust myself anymore. Everything we say or act is a result of the kind of culture that we are exposed to or the kinds of things that we read. It’s not even about exposure anymore. I don’t care if I’ve been to America or North Korea or Japan to be exposed to their culture. Because every single culture that I’m exposed to only add another layer to this ideological product that I am.

I cannot trust myself anymore and there is no escaping this. I do not know who I am and I cannot find any identity in the being that I have become and already am. We laugh at people who simply accept the system that they are presented and we call them under-exposed, immature, unintelligent, not well-read, don’t have their own mindset, brainwashed. But we do not realize that we, us, ourselves, are equally brainwashed into a culture that looks at others as brainwashed.

I am only just a multiple cell organism that has decided that I want to see what it’s like to think. Is it my brain that’s doing the thinking? Or is it my nerves? Or is it me? Or am I just a cell in the body that operates the entire body?

*

Ray is a cell. He is a single cell organism that has been misread. He didn’t evolve, he didn’t combine with other cells. He has all along been a single cell organism who just simply collected other cells to control them.

These other cells are called “body”. As a sort of collective term. People mistake this body as Ray. But really, Ray is just a single cell organism. And he forgot he is.

i am in the middle-of-exam break

when we do not know what we want

we will want everything

and then we will be disappointed

because it is known fact

that we will not get everything