just another sunday. maybe.

Went to church. Took a bus with girlfriend. Took lunch with friends. Had a little conversation. Went home. Wrote an article. Read a book. Sleep.

I realised I haven't had a Sunday like this in a really long time.

Day 24, Week 3, 2 More Days

It's been 24 days in this place at Taman Jurong, or more specifically, BLK 63 Yung Kuang Road. It sure wasn't the best 24 days I could ask for, really.

I don't have much time to write, as I have got one (one last) essay to complete but I shall write for writing's sake, but also because I want to write while I am still qualified to write about the place while I am still at the place. (even though right now, I am typing this in school, which goes to show that I hate the place so much that I really don't want to even stay in there after my school is done. And really, I've never stayed at the flat for an afternoon from the day we moved in. I simply had to get out.)

At first, I didn't care too much about it. Sure the place was a little out of the way. It was small. The floor was a little dirty and dusty but it got fixed with a little clean up. Only one shower room and one toilet bowl room. Kitchen was damn poorly equipped. I could live with that, I told myself. And I could, really.

But what got on my nerves (and onto my skin) was the bedbugs. Yes, BEDBUGS. It is absolutely irritating, and annoying (I know both words are synonyms but I used them anyway to make my point that IT SUCKS). I didn't know it was bedbugs at first. I thought it was mosquito bites. So I got my mum to buy this mosquito repellent thing for the room. But it didn't work. And I was wondering why the mosquito were still biting me when I have already installed the repellent thing.

Days went by like this, and I kept getting bitten. Then one day my girlfriend asked me if it could be bedbugs, and that was when it struck me: it could be bedbugs. Like OH MY GOD. I went to google "bedbug bites" and wala, it looked exactly the same. I read up more on bedbugs and their bites and realised that everything fitted my circumstance: multiple bites around the same area, huge swell, little blood stains on the bed (like, urgh). I confirmed it was bedbugs.

Went home to tell my parents, and they didn't believe me. I don't know. It's either they didn't believe me, or they didn't bother and couldn't care less since they were not the ones getting bitten anyway. So what did I do. I can't exactly just let those bloodsuckers bite the hell out of me.

I took a can of Baygone, and sprayed around. I hunted down the crevices and cracks where the bedbugs could be hiding and alas, there they were, hiding in these little holes in the wall. I took the can of Baygone and spray right into the hole and watch one, and two bedbugs die in it. I camped at night, spending up to 1 or 2 hours without sleep just looking for those pests, and then spraying them with my can of bug killer or just squashing them with tissue paper.

There was once when I saw one crawling on the bed, and I told my mum, "Look! Bedbug!" and she just squinted her eyes, "Where? I can't see it.".

I pointed right at the where the bedbug was laying motionless, and she was like "where? I can't see it. My eyesight very bad." I took a piece of tissue paper, grabbed the bedbug and put it right in front of her eyes. Ah, THERE she saw it.

After a few days of Baygone treatment, the bedbugs were still having a good time. I decided that it was time for me to move out of the room. I migrated my mattress to the living room, gave the spot where I was sleeping a good Baygone treatment, and slept there. But it was to no avail. There were still bedbug bites when I woke up the next morning.

Another night, I was camping again, looking out for bedbugs. This time, I employed another tactic (albeit a more traditional one): 风油. I sprinkled it around my bed as a sort of area defence, and I just stayed around to observe. I don't know whether it was because of the 风油 but I noticed this bedbug travelling on the wall. I took a tissue paper and crushed it right where it was, and a huge bloodstain was left on the wall. MY BLOOD. The bloody sucker has apparently taken a good meal while I was on my bed doing my work and was about to go home to rest for the night. Not so fast, sucker.

Three nights of 风油 treatment and the bedbug problem still persisted. So it didn't work. Bedbugs were not afraid of 风油, contrary to what a friend of mine suggested. And by some interesting turn of events, another friend of mine noticed the bites on my arms and asked me about it. I told her it was bedbugs and she was like, "oh no! I actually had a YCG member who was also plagued with bedbugs and I bought her these cans of bedbugs spray to eradicate the problem..."

Immediately there was a sparkle in my eyes, I tell you. Bedbug spray, eradicate problem. That was just what I needed right now, I thought to myself. I told her to try and help me obtain one can of the miracle spray to save me from getting sucked dry by the bloodsuckers. So two days later, she got a can. $7.90, and my saviour is in my hands.

I went home, and gave the place a good spraying. No bedbugs appeared, but I wasn't confident that it would work. And if it didn't, I would really have no other options left, since this was THE bedbug spray and my parents wouldn't care to call up the landlord of the place. Next morning, I still got the bites.

But I was at my wits end. So I just sprayed every night before I sleep. Spray and spray and spray and my parents could only complain about how smelly the spray is and they couldn't sleep because I kept spraying the can.

One night, as I was preparing to go to bed, I looked around for bedbugs again. And I saw one, trying to hide under the flooring, but still visible in the open. I took the can, aimed it right at the bug and gave it a good shower of bedbug spray. It struggled a little, and eventually its lifeforce ebbed away. I took a piece of paper with a sticky end, got the bedbug's body to stick on the sticky end, and took a picture with the word "bedbug" pointing to the body. I left the paper near where my parents put their keys so that I can prove to them there were bedbugs.

My mum called up the landlord, and they came to check but couldn't find any bedbugs. The landlord then said she will bring in an "expert" to check, who turns out to be her mother from China anyway, who didn't even turn up in the end and no one bothered to follow up with it. It just irks me how everything was so half-hearted.

But it's alright. In another 2 days time I will be moving to Yew Tee, to a place that is normal where my normal life can happen and where I can have the privacy of my own room and joys of a clean and comfortable environment to sleep in. A place where there are no bedbugs (the whole mattress had to be thrown away because we were afraid there would be an infestation in it). Where I have a table where I can work and study.

And I am glad. I am very glad that I am getting to leave this hellhole. This place that is fit for an episode of "Survivor: Singapore".

But the place isn't that bad anyway, I am contradicting myself here. As in the conditions are really bad, but the softer things aren't so bad. For one, the food centre near the place boasts of very nice egg pancake and roasted meat rice. Apparently, the legendary roasted meat rice stall opens at 11.30am and is all sold out by 1.30pm. If you are lucky, he may open until 2pm.

I have also witnessed a sight that I probably wouldn't have gotten to see elsewhere. One, there were some really poor families who were living there. However, these people were not miserable. There was once when I was waiting for the lift and this family was with me and there was this baby and they were all talking with each other and playing with the baby and suddenly I just felt that the place wasn't that bad afterall and I was really being childish and pampered to keep complaining about it. Maybe they didn't have a bedbug problem, but still, it was their contentment with the simple things of life that struck me.

And to wrap it all up, I would say that it was quite an experience. To stay in this place. Both good and bad. Think of it as when you stay overseas at some rundown place while you are doing OCIP or some volunteer work (I know of the whole overseas volunteer paradox, but I'm leaving that out of here) and then you feel that you appreciate your home so much and you learn about how people from other less-well-to-do areas obtain pleasure from the simple things in life. It's a little like that, really.

A month in Taman Jurong, BLK 63 Yung Kuang Road was all one need for the same experience.

In the lift

The lift door opens.

There were about six of us waiting, and the Indian man in front of the door goes in first. He hesitates, and then walks into the lift.

I'm next, and I immediately find out why he hesitated in entering the lift: there was a puddle of curry in the middle of the lift floor.

I carefully step around it, making sure that my flip-flops does not get stained with the curry.

Next to enter is a family, and they do the same thing, carefully stepping around the curry puddle.

I shuffle to the back of the lift. And because of the puddle, I can't reach the buttons panel.

"Er..." Woman from the family attempts to ask me which floor I live at, but couldn't get the words out.

"Eleven"

"Eleven" She tells the Indian man who is standing closest to the buttons panel.

He presses the button "11" and waits.

The lift door doesn't close. So the woman tells the man to press the "close" button. And he does. Lift door closes.

Up the lift goes, and all of us just stare at the puddle of curry until we reach our floors.

Just a puddle of curry.

I wonder who will clean it up.

If I were a piano player, I'd play it in the goddam closet

"He had a big damn mirror in front of the piano, with this big spotlight on him, so that everybody could watch his face while he played. You couldn't see his fingerswhile he played—just his big old face. Big deal. I'm not too sure what the name of the song was that he was playing when I came in, but whatever it was, he was really stinking it up. He was putting all these dumb, show-offy ripples in the high notes, and a lot of other very tricky stuff that gives me a pain in the ass. You should've heard the crowd, though, when he was finished. You would've puked. They went mad. They were exactly the same morons that laugh like hyenas in the movies at stuff that isn't funny. I swear to God, if I were a piano player or an actor or something and all those dopes thought I was terrific, I'd hate it. I wouldn't even want them to clap for me. People always clap for the wrong things. If I were a piano player, I'd play it in the goddam closet."

- J. D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

Night. Taxi driver. Jokes.

The night is a quiet one. No storm. No lightning. Just the cab driver and I ploughing down the lonely road home at 2am.

The radio plays softly over the stereo but a silent gap still exists between the driver and me. It's the gap that is always there when you take a cab. Two strangers forced to sit together for a good half hour. Usually we just stare at the road.

He was the one who attempted to break this gap first.

"Do you want to hear a joke?"

Sure thing. I didn't mind a joke on the half hour trip home. Besides, it's probably too rude to turn down his very kind offer.

"Which emperor of china is blind?"

The first thing that came to my mind: I've heard this one before. Second thing: should I just give the correct answer? I spent some time thinking this through, while the driver thinks that I am going through a list of Chinese emperors to find who lost his sense of sight.

My reply: "I don't know. Who is it?" I smiled.

"Kang xi hung di. Because he can't see ma."

Both of us laughed.

"Have you heard the one about the falling fruits on the head?"

I shook my head and he shared jokes with me all the way home.

my last night here with you, same old songs, just once more

I am typing this from my home in BLK 686B Choa Chu Kang Crescent #08-232 for the last time. IN another one and a half hours time, that is about 2130HRS, 9th November 2010, I will leave this place. Involuntarily.

Even until now, I find it difficult to accept the fact that we have to move. However, it's not just the moving that I find it hard to swallow. Actually, it is not even about the moving. It is about the fact that no one bothered about what I felt, or what my sister felt. It is about the eagerness to sell the place and not find a new home in time, causing us to have to shift temporarily to an old and lousy (which I haven't seen for myself yet, but my mum admitted to me that it was old and lousy, so) apartment in the remote corner of Taman Jurong, which you could probably guess that it is in Jurong (because, duh) but which you probably have no idea which part of Jurong it is in because it is so god damn remote and ulu and... and... stupid.

And even if it is not the wisdom that my parents have in selling and not buying in time (as Brother Lachman so aptly put it, "wisdom"), it is about the fact that no one cares to make it any better. No one bothers to talk to me about it (because it ends up in quarrels anyway), and no one bothers to pack, and no one bothers to ensure that everything goes smoothly. And now, because of all this, we have to give up our turtles for adoption. Like, WHAT THE FUCK. I am still not convinced that the place can't even hold 2 fish tanks. And that's the only bloody reason they are giving me. "Oh, the place is too small, we can't put the fish tanks." The stupidity, oh the damned pathetic stupidity (or perhaps I should say wisdom).

Okay, EVEN if it is not that. Ultimately, it's the promise. From the moment they mentioned the house selling to me, the images have been playing in my head.

We are walking home from dinner. That was in 2002 I suppose, when we first moved to this place. And I ask, "So how long will we be staying here?"

"Until all of you get married, and move out on your own, of course."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

And we go home together, smiling, as a family, knowing that this is going to be our home.

Because of this promise, I treated this place as my permanent home. I keep stashes of memories, things that remind me of my past, thinking that I don't have to move. I make my room comfortable, and fit everything nicely according to how I like it.

Then this happens. As I pack everything in boxes, as I tear down the things I pasted on the walls, as I remove the different things from the different stashes that I placed them into, AS I THROW THE THINGS THAT SERVE ONLY NOSTALGIA BECAUSE I COULDN'T BRING EVERYTHING OVER, every single item I hold and put into the box or throw reminds me of this promise. And in reminder of this promise, it reminds me, oh how it reminds me, of how the promise is broken. Shattered into a million pieces like sand that just flows out of one's hand. A promise treated as if it has never been spoken of before. A promise of which it's value goes down to naught.

But ultimately, I have to let go. Let it all go. Like the memories that I let go into the rubbish chute, I let it go and I lose a part of myself. Give up the fight and surrender, for it is a meaningless battle. I have fought up till this moment, and defeat is knocking on my door. Another hour! And I will be gone. This place, MY HOME for the past 8 years, no longer my home.

I pray, with all sincerity, that this will go away. This stubbornness, bitterness, this part of me. That I will soon get used to the new place (which I will not be moving into until a month later, anyway). That I will stay strong and happy. That I will be myself again.

The most beautiful

The man said, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world.”

But of course, for her that was something very difficult to believe. Women these days find such things too cliché, too common and too superficial. So she says, “I’m not.”

You see, the problem is this: It really is very difficult for the man to prove otherwise. Because it is very unlikely that his girlfriend is ACTUALLY the Miss Universe, which would then make it very easy to argue that she was INDEED the most beautiful woman in the world, although that might not be true as well.

To say something like, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, or “beauty is subjective” (they mean the same thing anyway) is really quite cliché, and it actually doesn’t mean anything much either. Because the fact that beauty is subjective makes his statement of “you are the most beautiful in the world” a very subjective statement as well.

But the thing is, when the man said such a thing, he meant it. He didn’t say it just to please his girlfriend or make her happy. He didn’t say it just so he can end the night on a “beautiful” note. He said it because he meant it.

Well, when the man said she was the most beautiful woman in the world, it’s not because she’s the Miss Universe, or that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but because in his eyes, in his world, there really is nobody else.

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."

打就是疼， 骂就是爱。

The Chinese has never hit the bull's eye as accurately as this does when it comes to such paradoxes.

Sometimes, I do wonder - why do we do the things we do, say the things we say, not do the things we don't do, not say the things we don't say. I wonder why, oh why oh why is it so difficult to say "I love you" to the person that should have been the easiest to say it to. Why is it that we say the most hurting things, the most stupid things, the most ridiculous and the most outrageous things to the person who is least deserving of such abuse. Why do we always, always, always, hurt the one who love us, and whom we know, deep in our hearts, no matter what we say or do or show or tell others or write or shout or scream or cry, deep in our hearts we know we love. Not just love, but love deeply, treasured.

We contradict ourselves in this most basic of all things - love.

Why? Because we are humans. And not just because we are humans. Because love blinds. Love takes us under her arms, cover us with her shadow, and we are surrounded by the immense feeling of powerful, what you call that, LOVE, all with capital letters, that feeling of immense pleasure and security and protection from all that surrounds us, such that we become immune to anything that is NOT love. To indulge in it, to be filled by it, and then, to drown in it.

Maybe what drives us to love sometimes really isn't love itself. Imagine you are in darkness, and you see a beacon of light; what drives you to the beacon of light wouldn't be the light itself, but rather, the darkness. Or imagine you in the coldest of winter; what drives you to the fire isn't going to be the warmth, but the cold that besiege you. The knowledge and understanding of the might have been and might not have been, the possibilities, the fear. The more we indulge in love, the more we lose sight of what is not love, and the more we lose sight of what is not love, the less we realise that we are in love.

Hatred. What does it mean when we say that we hate somebody? Hatred does not come from nowhere. When someone hates another, he/she does not simply hate the person because the person is hate-able. Or simply because something displeases him/her about the person. When there is hatred, there has to be love. Love that you hope there was something more in the person, that you hope something in the person could change for the better, that you hope that things could just be different.

It takes effort to hate. In fact, it takes more effort to hate than to love. To constantly be displeased about somebody, to be agonised by this hatred, to be distracted and to be caught in between hatred and reconciliation. It doesn't feel good to hate. Why would anybody with a sound mind choose to hate people who are not even related, who he/she does not even care about? Before you can hate somebody, you have to really love that somebody.

So please know that even though I always bicker with you and make things so difficult, I love you. I love you and I hope things, these things these bad and horrible things, will only get better.

Clouds are singing a song, marching along, just like they do.

"In all those years he was the beneficiary of the infinite generosity of women, but he was the victim, too, because their forgiveness made possible the deepest and sweetest corruption of all, namely the idea that he was doing nothing wrong."

- Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses

School has started again for me. I woke up just half an hour before my first lecture (overslept) but arrived on time anyway. (because really, it takes just 10 minutes by the taxi while it takes an hour by the train/bus)

I didn't realise that I never stepped into school since my last paper last semester until I was having lunch in the afternoon. YOG isn't counted since I only went to NIE compound and part of the North Spine during the period.

School food is really cheap compared to what I've been stuffing myself with for the past few months. I must raise my discipline because all the cheap food especially Mr. Bean is tempting me to over-eat.

Church, Competition and Create

Attending "Create" last night made me realise something that has been at the corner of my small mind - competition improves quality, but kills meaning.

Being in the youth ministry, I've seen how competition has played a big part in almost everything that we do. Every time there's an event, we become all secretive about our projects, we poke around to see what others do. Intelligence, counter-intelligence, I've seen enough of this in the military. And then this attitude goes full blast especially when it comes to "Create".

I'm not saying that competition is all that bad. And I'm not saying that I'm totally not competitive either. But when the event becomes a time to outwit each other in terms of talent more than just enjoying a time of performance, something is seriously wrong.

Perhaps it's the introduction of the Inter-Region points, or the sheer number of events that the youths go through, but I realised that the way people from CGs view "Create" and the way people from YCGs view "Create" is vastly different.

For CGs, "Create" is just a time for them to get together and do something creative, something interesting outside of the usual church stuff. For the YCGs, "Create" is really more of a time to prove themselves, to showcase their respective talents to the rest of the congregation. I'm not saying either way is better than another, I'm just saying that the view that YCGs hold is slightly easier to tip over the edge, becoming a competition to find out who's better than who. (if you get what I mean)

And again, I must reiterate that I'm not saying that I'm not competitive here. I'm competitive, or I wouldn't have been in a competitive sports team myself. But when winning becomes a goal bigger than gaining experience, then perhaps we need to reconsider what we are doing this for. (even in canoeing, we still maintain the attitude of "experience over medals". We aim/train to win, but winning is really secondary, because the real reward is the training we put in and the experience we gain)

Personally, I believe that gaining a valuable experience, or learning something new is a greater reward than some vouchers or even gaining the title of "Best X of Create". And that was the main reason why I went out of the way to get myself out of the video team and put myself into the dance team. (okay, Christian Body Worship)

And now we learn that there is a very high possibility of us being last (because, out of point, yes), that doesn't mean that we will sulk our faces and go onto stage to do a mediocre performance. We'll still go up there and dance our best, because really, winning isn't everything.

(and I hope the finger pointing don't start, because we've discussed this issue at length even before we started practices, and we all agreed that we'll do this even if it meant that there was chance of it being out of point.)

Time

If I asked you, what time is it now?
What would you tell me?
23:19?
Wrong.

Because as you tell me it's 23:19, it has already jumped to 23:20.
There is no "now", or "present".
Even as I say "now", it would have been something of the past.
The "present" is nothing more than the future moving, transforming, becoming the past.
Time is fluid, in fact, too fluid for us to even think of measuring.

Because if I were to ask you the same question in London instead of in Singapore, it would have been 16:19 instead.
While we think our world as in the night, another man, in the same world, think his as in the day.
While we sleep, another awakes.
While we rest, another begins to work.
And that is just on our small tiny little planet.
Think of it in terms of the universe, of the galaxy.
If it was 23:19 here in Singapore, what time would it be on Mars?

Because if not for "time", you wouldn't even know what time it was.
If I had stolen away all the clocks and calendars in this world,
if I stopped the Earth from orbiting the Sun,
would time continue to run?
Yes, time would continue to run, but would we still know what time it was?

Because, if I asked you, "what is time?",
what would you say?

I would perhaps tell you,
that time is the most unreal thing in this world,
that has become the most real thing to us.

i'm not listening.

"Hey, do you have a scanner in your room?"

"Yes I do, why?"

"Oh, can you help me scan my IC?"

"Can."

"Ok, coz I need a photocopy of my IC la."

"Oh, you need a photocopy? Then I just photocopy for you la."

"Your scanner can photocopy? Ok, photocopy lo. Thanks."

"Is this for selling the house?"

"Yes... need the photocopy of my IC..."

"I won't do it."

"What?"

"I won't do it. I won't photocopy your IC to sell the house."

"What, don't like that la."

"I'm sorry. If you want to sell the house, go do it on your own. I will have no part in the selling of this house."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

damn it.

And I’m always pretty happy when I’m just kicking back with you

This post should have been published about 2 weeks ago, but it never did make onto the online world because:

1) I was writing halfway and then I stopped.
2) I thought I saved a draft.
3) The draft wasn't saved when I came back to check.
4) I didn't have the time/inspiration to write anything since.

Anyway, It's been 3 weeks since I started working as an Assistant Chef, or Chef Assistant, whatever makes you happy. But technically, this is only my 2nd week at work, because the past week was spent... er, preparing myself to protect my motherland (whatever). My job scope is simple, assist the chef in the kitchen, and sometimes, be the chef in the kitchen. And this includes, cutting the ingredients, preparing the ingredients, cooking the dishes, washing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, clearing the trash, packing the fridge... amidst other random things like eating sandwiches and steak.

Overall, I like this job. It's really quite an experience, and I'm learning quite a lot. No I don't actually learn how to dish up the "fantastic" dishes because most things are already prepacked, but I did learn many "kitchen skills", and of course, I can differentiate an onion from a garlic from a ginger from an asparagus from a spinach from a broccoli. I can smell what things went bad and what can still be used. I know if something is burnt or if it's undercooked. I can cut almost anything and not make a mess in the kitchen. And most importantly, I discovered how amazing a microwave can be. And to sum it up, it's been a tiring, painful, and fun experience for myself.

It's tiring. Yes it is. Standing in the kitchen and working non-stop for up to 10 hours is seriously no joke. If I'm not washing the dishes, I'll be cutting vegetables. If I'm not cutting vegetables, I'll be packing the ingredients. If I'm not packing the ingredients, I'll be clearing the trash. If I'm not clearing the trash, I'll be cooking. If I'm not cooking, I'll be washing the dishes. Simply put, the work never stops. (and as my colleague told me, if the work stops, there won't be a need for me to work part time)

It's painful. That's just part of the deal I suppose, and it made me realise just how unprepared I was to work in the kitchen even though I had experience cooking at home. First day at work and I cut my thumb while trying to chop some tomatoes. The knife is sharp, VERY SHARP, and it doesn't take much effort to leave a deep cut on my thumb. Technically, the kitchen knife is the chef's best friend and worst enemy. And since then, I've been wielding my knife like a pro. (I'm exaggerating. I just haven't cut myself since) Second day at work and I burnt my fingers. Left quite a few blisters on my fingers. (but as my colleague says (again), every chef has burn scars to show *and then he shows me his*)

It's fun. And I'm just glad it is. Well, I actually find it quite nice that people in the cafe calls me "chef" (even though I know it's probably because they don't know what else to call me because they don't know my name). Kinda feel a little important in the place. Okay, no big deal, I know. I also picked up a whole bunch of "chef lingo", and here's a few just for starters.

a) 打仗 - to fight a war - basically, to "battle" the rush hour, usually lunch hour, madness. It is actually quite mad working during lunch, because the orders just keep coming, and one wrong move could cause the orders to just jam and... well, things can get quite crazy and frustrating. So yes, it's like a war.

b) 清场 - to clear the battlefield - well, after each dish is served and there is a little pause between orders, it is mandatory that the chefs clear whatever is around his workzone, such as ingredients, knife, bowls, whatever. It can get quite messy, and if things are not cleared, it gets messier.

c) 你来戴帽子你来做啦 - you wear the hat and do it yourself, lah - a very common retort to the crew members who keep rushing us for their orders to be ready. Basically, rush hour is frustrating for everybody; the chefs are trying to get everything out, and the crew is trying to get the orders served fast. So when people get rushed, they get irritated. Simple.

In other news: 'Inception' was amazing. And I enjoy it all the more because I've always been someone who have been very interested in dreams, because I dream a lot, and because I love my dreams.

I won't go so much into providing a review, because that would cause this post to have 2 topics (which it already has anyway, but I want to pretend there isn't) and that would be overloading. But I like how they map the dreams so realistically, not realistic in the sense that they are real, but in the sense that this is how I dream. Love things like having dreams within dreams, how you don't know how you end up where you were and you never bother to question it, and the "kick". So true.

One thing though, the dreams were too "real", too logical, to be dreams. Okay, I know it's subjective, but my dreams are damn weird, and they are set in the weirdest places with the weirdest characters. And the things I do are things which are damn weird, and have no logic in them. And here's the best part: I don't find that there is anything wrong in my dreams. In my dreams, weird is logic.

I don't wanna gain the whole world and lose my

Soul. What is a soul?

The event last Friday at Hearts on Fire was quite ambitiously named "I don't wanna gain the whole world but lose my soul", but I never got to find out what a soul is even after the event is over.

I never really got involved in the event this time, other than pumping my brain dry of ideas during a meeting at Somerset 313, which happens to be becoming our favourite meeting location for the Region B think tank. My mind was really on other irrelevant but "soulful" things.

For all my life as a christian, and I have been a christian for a really long time, I have been told that animals, ALL animals, do not have a soul. Only humans, we GREAT humans, have souls. Well, I understand the whole theory behind this, that humans are more superior than animals, created in God's image, therefore it is unthinkable that animals have the only immortal thing that humans possess - souls.

But that is really a difficult theory to accept. I will not go into how it is difficult to assert if we were created in God's image or if God was created in our image (because that is really too darn dangerous), but I will have to say there is nowhere in the bible that ever mentioned the non-existence of souls in animals. All we have are references and interpretations. So it is safe to say that no one actually knows for sure that animals have no souls.

Before I even go on to explain why, I think it is only fair that I define what soul is. Alright, this is no formal definition, but this is just how I define soul and what I will use for this write-up. Basically to me, a soul is really who I am. My character, my emotions, my memories, my identity. It is what defines me as me.

I came to this definition only because I watched the movie "Wall-E". And the last scene showed how Wall-E, though fixed from his damages after saving the plant, lost all his memory and identity and emotions. And on the spot, I'm sure most people would say he had lost his "soul". The body is an empty vessel which does not last, if not for the soul that it contains. As C.S Lewis so aptly put it, "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."

And animals, they have character, they have emotions, they have memories, they have identity. I have interacted with many animals (okay, cats) and I know it straight away when I look into their eyes that it isn't just an empty vessel that I was looking into. Animals have souls, and when we go to heaven, we will be seeing animals there as well. Cats, lots of cats for sure. And if you need a bible verse, here you go:

From Isaiah's description of "New Heavens and a New Earth" in Isaiah 65:25, "The wolf and the lamb will feed together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox, but dust will be the serpent’s food. They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain, says the LORD."

So that's animals in heaven for you.

But maybe animals have "lesser" souls, souls that are inferior to us humans. Well, that is an acceptable theory, considering how God specifically made humans in his image. However, the skeptical me just can't shake off the whole idea of how stubborn and self-centered we are. Don't we just love to put ourselves in the center of everything? But I'm going out of point.

Nevertheless, if there is any one difference between the human soul and the animal soul, it is that the human soul needs saving, and the animal soul doesn't. Jesus came to save the human race only because the human race needed saving, only because the sins are only sins by human standards.

And perhaps, I shall close with this story I got off the internet:

An elderly widow's beloved little dog died after fifteen faithful years. Distraught, she went to her pastor.

"Parson," she said, tears streaming down her cheeks, "the vicar said animals have no souls. My darling little dog Fluffy has died. Does that mean I won’t see her again in heaven?"

"Madam," said the old priest, "God, in his great love and wisdom has created heaven to be a place of perfect happiness. I am sure that if you need your little dog to complete your happiness, you will find her there."

You'd break your neck to keep your chin up.

I have a rather queer habit.

Every time I listen to my iPod, I like to put it on "shuffle", so that the songs I listen to will be random.

However, I would always already have a song/songs in mind that I would like to listen to, and the iPod would usually never play the song/songs I have in my mind. And then, I would keep hitting the "forward" button until this song/songs play.

So, does my iPod really have the freewill to choose for itself what songs to play?

Do we really have the freewill we think we have? Or is it a freedom equivalent to one of a dog on a leash?

Oh there will be love love love wherever you go

Sonnet 14 - If thou must love me, let it be for nought

XIV

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
'I love her for her smile—her look—her way
Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day'—
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or change for thee,—and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,—
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Talismans/men

Two pieces of talisman.
Black ink on yellow paper.

A secret message,
an ancient riddle.

He dare not read
any deeper.

the glass eye

I walked home today
without my spectacles
showing the world to me.

How different would my life be
if I had perfect eyesight?

Or, if I am actually blind.

oreos are now upon us

Ipsen and his good friend Colin worked at a tavern in Treno.

One day, Ipsen got a letter. The letter was so wet from rain that most of the writing was illegible. The only part he could read said, 'Come back home.'.

Nowadays, we have airships and stuff, but back then, it was really hard to travel.

He didn't know why he had to go back, but he got some time off, gathered his things, and set out on his journey home. He walked a thousand leagues through the Mist. Sometimes he was attacked by vicious monsters, but he made it, because his friend Colin was by his side.

And then, after much time on the road... He had to ask Colin something:

"Why did you come with me?"

"Only because I wanted to go with you"

- Zidane, in Final Fantasy IX

And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?

“Think of this – that the writer wrote alone, and the reader read alone, and they were alone with each other. True, the writer may have been alone also with Spenser’s golden apples in the Faerie Queen, Proserpina’s garden, glistering bright among the place’s ashes and cinders, may have seen in his mind’s eye, apple of his eye, the golden fruit of the Primavera, may have seen Paradise Lost, in the garden where Eve recalled Pomona and Proserpina. He was alone when he wrote and he was not alone then, all these voices sang, the same words, golden apples, different worlds in different places, an Irish castle, an unseen cottage, elastic-walled and grey round blind eyes.”

– A.S Byatt, Possession

Flight of Icarus

They stood at the ledge, both Daedalus and Icarus, ready to escape Crete in magnificent flight. Two wings were specially furnished, fashioned remarkably in wax, waiting to bring the two mortals into the open sky.

Looking out towards the sea, they could see only the water and horizon. Freedom laid itself out before them, the open water and the endless sky. They would escape Crete at last.

"Are you ready, son?"

"Yes, father, I am."

"Remember, never go too near to the sea nor to the sun. For the sea will dampen your wings, making it too heavy for flight and the sun is too hot for your wax wings."

They jumped off, and their wings flapped in silent flight. Angry waves were crashing below, and the sun was shining greatly above. The two mortals took flight like angels, or some might even believe them to be gods.

As they were in mid-flight, Icarus began to fly higher and higher. Some said the heat got to Icarus, and that he became giddy. Others said he was dazzled and fascinated by the beauty of the sun. As he went higher in flight, the wax on his wings began to slow drip off, feathers were slowly becoming bare arms.

"Icarus! Stop! You are too near the sun!" Daedalus screamed but his caution landed only on deaf ears, for Icarus was not listening. He was in his own world of thoughts.

"What's the use of flying if I could only fly to a certain height?"

Icarus's fingers began to show.

"What's the use of wings if I was only supposed to return to land?"

The wings were disappearing, his hands were showing.

"I shall fly high, even if it meant that it would be my last flight."

There were no more wings, and he plummeted toward the sea.

"At least, I've been higher than where I was supposed to be."

At least, he flew.

Our paths they did cross though I cannot say just why

And, yes, it's my birthday. Yeah, I am 22, I am so happy.

I do believe I've grown up, despite my rather childish behaviours. It's just... everyone is growing, everyone is losing their youth every second, but they only realise this once a year and it's already too late. I just want to... be childish before I can no longer.

Well, anyway, I've received this card from a group of my friends (Alex, Andrea, Bryan, Chen Min, Dixon, Jeff, Jia Yan, Shu Ting, Xin Di, Ying Hui, Yong Jie and Zhi Wei). Not the small birthday card that you can buy from Kinokuniya, but a big custom card on which all them drew their variations of Cloud, who is one of my favourite characters from my favourite video game, Final Fantasy VII.

It is a very touching gesture, and I know that many of them would not have known who Cloud is and would have needed to go onto the internet to find out, and I know that many of my friends aren't exactly artists, but still, the pictures were all excellent and the effort made everything even more beautiful. This gift of friendship is invaluable and I would not trade it for the world.

I shall not do the card injustice by taking a picture of it, so just try to imagine its awesomeness as it lies in my room while I try to think of a place to properly place it.

Okay, my birthday aside, I must tell everyone who is reading this a very special something which I saw one morning when I went for training at MacRitchie. I forgot when this was, sometime during last week. As usual, I arrived at the reservoir in the early morning, and I saw on top of the water a layer of mist. And the whole place looked like a dreamscape.

Mist is such an interesting phenomena. Maybe it's called fog, I am not sure. But it's actually water evaporating from the surface, but then, never quite left the surface of the water. It's as if it's in a "liminal state". Trapped in between leaving and staying, and yet at the same time open and ambiguous, free from definition.

"Liminality", this has been the word on my mind for quite some time now. We are liminal creatures. Always transiting, always ambiguous, always not open for definition, and yet, we are trapped in this very ambiguity that we surround ourselves in. We contradict ourselves but yet affirms in contradictions. We are mutable and our mutability becomes our only constant. We believe only because we doubt. We let go because we love.

We are like mist, which wants to ascend to the sky but at the same time, misses the water body. And then we remain there, in a state of limbo, not wanting to lean to one side or the other, because we do not know what's on one side or the other. Could it be hell? Could it be heaven? We choose not to make a decision because we fear the consequences of making one, but in choosing we have already decided. We have decided that we shall be this way, hanging in the in-between, as if we were trying to keep the see-saw from leaning on one side.

Like the mist, we disappear eventually. We could be blown by the wind, we could have returned to where we came from, or we could have really ascended to the sky. And the beauty of creating a dreamscape becomes only a short lived one. However, the beauty, though short lived, would have remained eternal in the eyes of those who beheld it.

All of us are dreamers and dreams at the exact same moment.

And it was all yellow.

Long break from writing, everybody must be wondering what has happened to me that I have not written even though exams ended 2 Fridays ago. So here's a little update of what happened in my life, courtesy of myself to all my friends and possible unknown stalkers who might be interested in what's going on for reasons that I will never be able to comprehend.

Church. The number 1 most time consuming part of my life. Practically the whole of last week has been taken up by the church in preparation of the "My Idea of Heaven" event that happened last Friday. I'm not complaining though, because I was really impacted by the responses that I received. If I haven't decided to push that extra step and go the extra mile, I probably wouldn't have discovered what I found. My thanks to Rita, Xingyi, Boon Lai, Jeff and Yong Jie for working with me on this project. It's really the experience that I am most thankful for. And for my friends who aren't in church, this is what I've been working on.

Canoeing. The canoe team is training every single morning from Monday to Saturday now, and it's really tiring. Not the physical training kind of tiring, but really the need to wake up early every morning kind of tiring. I'm not a morning person, as many of you probably know. So it's really an epic struggle for me to get out of bed at 7am in the morning just to go for training. Training has been rather discouraging as well, because I'm rowing in a new boat now and I am extremely unfamiliar with it, causing me to capsize countless times in the reservoir. Just this morning, I thought about why I am canoeing. Other than the fact that it is helping me to be less fat than I would have been and that I have great team mates, I really don't know why else I am doing this. Perhaps it would have been better that I picked up a performing art, one that I can ask my friends to come for a concert and see me perform. When it's canoeing, we only train for races, and none of my friends would bother to watch me race or even talk about it anyway. But then again, it was just a passing thought.

Work. I have applied to a whopping number of 6 companies in search of a temporary job as probably an admin clerk or something. It has been a week and none of them has responded and it's really very discouraging. I really want to get a job so I can afford the Taiwan trip that we are planning for this August and also the PS3 that is calling out to me.

Scholarship. I got shortlisted for the "Lim Kim San Memorial Scholarship" which is technically a scholarship for people who come from families that earn less than $5000 a month, like me. It's a bond-less scholarship from the SPH Foundation for students of languages, which for my case is English. The interview is next Tuesday and I have no idea what I'm supposed to prepare for it, but I'm excited nonetheless. Really thank God for this opportunity! And I hope I don't mess up the interview! Oh gosh, getting all anxious now.

And also... I have nothing more to say. I am reading Possessions now and there's so much that I want to quote from it. Basically a whole bunch of religious and literary quotable treasures that I found.

And... I just got reminded by Andrea Khong Lilian that I should get started on researching the Taiwan itinerary.

So... I should stop writing.

Will you still love me tomorrow?

Alright, I don't have much time here but I feel like blogging so I'll do a short one. Training in the morning so it's not really wise that I stay up too late (insomnia or not). And, I probably won't be able to do any writing because the "My Idea of Heaven" event is really dragging me down alot. It is hard to get things done. And it's actually even harder to get people to get things done.

Oh well, anyway, I decided to check out what some of my friends' names meant. The list isn't exhaustive and there are probably other meanings that I could have missed out. I don't have the time to list everybody's so please forgive me if I missed out yours (I've just met these people for the past 2 days so they are on my mind right now).

Alex: Protector of mankind (Greek)
Andrea: Courageous (Greek); Brave (French)
Bryan: Strong one (Irish)
Don: World leader (Irish); Dark stranger (Celtic)
Eleanor: Light (Greek) ; Shining light (English)
Gladys: Lame (Welsh) ; Sword (Latin) ; Princess (Irish)
Jeff: Divinely peaceful (German)
Joel: God is willing (Israelite) ; Jehovah is God (Hebrew)
Sabrina: Cactus fruit (Hebrew) ; Legendary princess (English) ; Princess (Irish) ; From the border (Italian)
Simon: It is heard (Hebrew) ; Hear/Listen (Scottish/Spanish)

Most of us have really interesting names, isn't it? I didn't know we had a cactus fruit with us all this time. And I'm not making fun of anybody's name, okay!

Can't read my poker face.

Yeah I'm back to blogging again, from a nearly 1 week long hiatus. Well, the week's been really bad, and there were times when I really felt like I wanted to blog because my muse was completely active (for the bloody wrong reasons) in the middle of the night while I was mugging my head off for the paper in the following morning. So imagine me trying to concentrate on writing notes, and my muse is urging me to write on the blog. Total distraction.

Anyway, the fact that I am blogging again doesn't mean that my exams are over. On the contrary, well, what else could be on the contrary? It's not over. There's still another paper in a week's time on Friday, and you know what? I don't give 2 cents about it. Well, actually I do la (I'm still not that crazy), but there's still ample time as it is a relatively easy paper, in my opinion. Media writing, you get a story and some other stuff, you write a news report and a press release. Er, maybe not that simple, but I'll start revising probably on Monday and shall take this weekend to breathe.

Exams were really, urgh. Smoke-out for most parts, especially HL107 Classical Lit, because I am so ill-prepared for it because I don't know how to prepare for it. I've never written such short essays for a lit exam before (2 pages). Okay, maybe I have. But that's not the point, the essays are still too short for examination standards! MB107 Business Law is worrying too. I felt I did okay for the paper because I covered almost all the areas in the questions, but people are coming to me and telling me that they are glad they S/Ued (not sued) the paper, or telling me that they flunk it, such that I am getting a little worried myself. The worst thing for an academic is to NOT KNOW that you do not know some things. You think you know what you are doing, but you actually do not know it, and then you will screw up real bad. If Socrates is considered to be the wisest man in history because he knows that he does not know, then the opposite can be easily translated as stupidity.

One of the more prominent thoughts in my head recently is self-identity. I've been asking myself, how much do I really know about who I am. Okay, just some technical stuff for those interested. Self-identity is separated into 4 parts known as the Johari Window. So there are parts that are known to the self, unknown to the self, known to others, unknown to others. So when you put these parts into a matrix, you get the 4 areas in the Johari Window: OPEN, BLIND, HIDDEN, UNKNOWN. Just like in the diagram below.


Alright, that's the brief introduction to self-concept. The diagram is really just for reference anyway, because in actuality, our identity is not as equally spaced out as the diagram shows. Some people have hidden areas that are extremely huge (which is really common anyway), while others have huge blind areas, so on and so forth.

Okay, and that's it for self-concept. Thank you for paying attention to Don's self-concept 101 lecture

Anyway, yes, so by thinking about my self-identity, what I really want to know is, just how much of myself do I not know, and what are these things actually? If you refer to the Johari Window, that's the blind and unknown area for me.

Sometimes I really feel that I do not know myself very well. You ever get the feeling sometimes? Like there some things that you have no idea why you do them, some words that you have no idea why you say and some feelings that you have no idea why you feel. And sometimes, people gets irritated or angry at you and you don't even know why. Such events really call for some self-reflection and character enhancement

Okay, and since we are at the topic (I thought of switching topic at this point but decided to just stick to one topic per post and talk about other stuff in other posts) of identity, I suppose it's good talk about the HIDDEN area as well. If you don't know yet, you should probably know now that people are very much not what they seem to be. There are those who are more real than others, but what you see in almost everybody is easily just the tip of the iceberg.

An iceberg is the perfect example (though overused) for identity. Like an iceberg, most people only show a small small small portion of who they are in the outside world. Only the tip of the iceberg floats on the surface of the water, while the rest of it lies submerged in the water. For those who knows psychoanalysis, this "iceberg" is the super-ego, ego and id (from surface to bottom). I'm not just saying someone who's a hypocrite or have multiple identities, even the simplest and innocent and pure person falls under this theory as well.

You can be as real as you want, but the truth remains that everybody hides something from everyone else. It could be romantic feelings for some people, it could be some inferiority complex, it could be some feeling of inadequacy among friends, it could be anything. But whatever it may be, people hide things for a reason. Some times it's good for some things to be revealed, but most times it's better to just remain quiet about it until an appropriate moment, or not speak about it at all.

So to round it all up before this post gets too long and becomes something you get from a textbook (which it probably already seems like its becoming), it is good that if you find out a secret or something hidden from somebody, it's really best that you keep it to yourself unless you really have to do otherwise. Don't be a gossiper, or you'll easily be the one gossiped about. You know full well that you have your own secrets to be kept as well.

'Cause you bring out the best in me, like no one else can do.

Dear Students,

It has been brought to my attention that some of you did not procure the prescribed course texts. Only the Aeneid, the Metamorphoses and the Confessions are not available on edventure. I will allow you to bring alternative editions of these three texts into the exam as long as you e-mail me publication details of the alternative texts you're using prior to the exam. Anyone caught plagiarizing from the critical apparatus on these books will be crucified upside down.

I realise that the bookshop failed to order the books, but in the age of internet shopping - which some of you appear to be able to do even while listening to lectures - there's absolutely no excuse for not having the right books for your classes. Please do not come into my classes in future with this kind of careless attitude. I was very emphatic at the start of the semester about the requirement that we all read the same editions of these texts.

I realised today that my lecturer has been harbouring a great amount of hatred for us which has penultimately led up to the sending of this email, threatening to crucify us upside down. On hindsight, I wonder if those throwing of greek-bombs at us, such as 'method = meta + hodos', were really ways of getting back at us for not finishing the required readings or for the few people who can't keep their mouths shut during lectures.

I realised also, that if he indeed had been harbouring such a great amount of hatred, we could be in really deep trouble this Wednesday.

Tonight's the night, for the sinners and the saints. Two worlds collide, in a beautiful display.

I am not become any kind of an Atheist, nor yet positivist, at least, not as to the extreme religious position of those who make a religion out of Humanity - for although I wish my fellow men well, and find them endlessly interesting, yet there are more things in Heaven and Earth than were created for their, that is our, benefit. The impulses to religion might be the need to trust - or the capacity for wonder - and my own religious feelings have always been inspired more by the latter. I find it hard to shift without the Creator - the more we see and understand, the more amazement there is in this strangely interrelated heap of things - which is yet not disordered...

...The truth is - my dear Miss LaMotte - that we live in an old world - a tired world - a world that has gone on piling up speculation and observations until truths that might have been graspable in the bright Dayspring of human morning - by young Plotinus or the ecstatic John on Patmos - are now obscured by palimpsest on palimpsest, by thick horny growths over that clear vision - as moulting serpents, before they burst forth with their new flexible-brilliant skins, are blinded by the crusts of their old one - or we might say, as the lovely lines of faith that sprung up in the aspiring towers of the ancient minsters and abbeys are both worn away by time and grime, softly shrouded by the smutty accretions of our industrial cities, our wealth, our discoveries themselves, our Progress. Now I cannot believe, being no Manichee, that He, the Creator, if he exists, did not make us and our world that which we are. He made us curious, did he not? - he made us questioning - and the Scribe of Genesis did well to locate the source of all our misery in that greed for knowledge which has also been our greatest spur - in some sense - to good. To good and evil. We have more of both those, I must believe, than our primitive parents.

Now, my great question is, has He withdrawn Himself from our vision so that by diligence of our own matured minds we might find out his Ways - now so far away from us - or have we by sin, or by some necessary thickening of our skins before the new stages of the metamorphosis - have we reached some stage which necessitates our consciousness of our ignorance and distance - and is this necessity health or sickness?

- "Randolph Henry Ash's letter" in Possession, A. S. Byatt

So kiss me and smile for me. Tell me that you'll wait for me.

Today is the first time in a long time that I actually stayed within a 1km radius from my house (I can't say home because I did leave my house to buy lunch) and I realised that I accomplished so much more than an average day out.

Here's what I accomplished:

1. Read Possession. (slow reading, because I really want to take my time to enjoy this)

2. Practiced guitar. (Scales, cords, tried songs but it was so difficult that it got demoralising so I stopped)

3. Swept and mopped my room.

4. Paid credit card bills.

5. Bought lunch home from Yew Tee.

6. Rented 十月围城 ("Bodyguards and Assassins") from video store at Yew Tee.

7. Watched 十月围城 ("Bodyguards and Assassins") while having lunch.

8. Revised for HL105, which is for this Friday. (HL105, in my opinion is the easiest Lit paper to revise for. Because there is so little text, and so little to revise, compared to... you know, 107 )

I really feel that I've done quite abit, but on the other hand, I feel a lack of connection with my friends because I have not corresponded with them for the entire day. I practically have not held a conversation with anyone except my mum (of which the conversation consisted only of dinner contents).

This is declared an effecient day, but not healthy for my social life in the long run. (public life V private life, Butterfly V Beetle, Abraham's Promise)

in other news: I am still convincing myself that we ACTUALLY booked tickets for Taiwan already. It's so surreal. It's like a dream, that we are really going to fly off this August. I am happy. It's the kind of things that will keep me smiling in my dreams for weeks.

ALL DONE

Yes at last. I love the sight of striking off every assignment I have on the list. :D

10 reasons to know if you should study literature

1. You carry a novel wherever you go. Wait, did I say JUST a novel?

2. A friend tells you, "Why are you so slow? It is really cold!" and you go, "Hey, that rhymes!"

3. You see something, say a mark on the wall, and you think of everything other thing EXCEPT the mark on the wall.

4. When you read the term PAP, the first thing that comes to mind is Pride and Prejudice.

5. You always feel disappointed after watching a novel based movie. But you still want to watch novel based movies all the time.

6. You are hoping for a particular novel to be turned into a movie and hoping it will not be a disappointment.

7. You have some sort of "quote stash" somewhere.

8. You have some crush for an author or even character.

9. You have a habit of just staring at your bookshelf and admiring the beauty of all your books.

10. People keep asking you if you want to be a teacher when you graduate.

trip woes

I don't know. I really really don't know. How did I get filled up with so much animosity? Why did I react so violently (not physically, but mentally)? I have no idea at all. It's not that I hate him. No, I don't hate him. But why? Why oh why am I so concerned about this matter? I really don't get myself sometimes. I see him as a friend, I really do. He's a nice guy, he shows concern, he drives me home when we go out. And now he wants to tag along on our little trip... how come...

Maybe it's because we started off with just us. And I expect it to be just us because we started off with just us. It's us who hoped together for ST to go, it's us who got together our dreams, our desires, our expectations and came up with this plan. It's ultimately - our plan. That may sound a little exclusive, I admit, but it's the best reason I could come up with. However... you are right... you are right in saying its okay for him to tag along. You are right in saying that you don't see any reason why we shouldn't let him come aboard... because, I don't see any reason as well.

I am a little surprised at myself even. When you said, "Meng Hui, I thought you would be okay with it one leh!" I really wondered. Yes. I thought I would be okay with it also. But what happened to me? Again, the question - where did all this animosity come from? This thing... monster... hiding in me, probably with many other monsters, slowly creeping it's way out of my soul. Meng Hui... what happened to the easy going, everything-okay, 爽快 Meng Hui? Maybe maybe...

What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.

- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"

Maybe Shakespeare was wrong. Maybe everything is in a name. Maybe I wasn't Meng Hui when I reacted like that, maybe I wasn't Don either. Maybe... I was another person altogether. Maybe that's why I feel uncomfortable when people who used to call me Don called me Meng Hui and those who call me Meng Hui calls me Don. And then I... I don't know what to call this 'other' person. This other identity.

I don't know. This is really killing me. I feel like I'm getting torn into two. Maybe not into two. I just... don't feel myself. But then again, who is "myself" to start with? Is it the identity I assumed and am now performing? Is my identity the one that I am acting, or the one that I am an actor? I want to just peel myself down to the core like an onion and scream at what I will find "JUST WHO ON EARTH ARE YOU?!", scream at myself, scream at... nothing.

What am I but identities? A mish-mash of identities? Rings after rings of performance onion. You strip it down and you will find more rings of performance, of acting and more and more and more. You think you can find the true onion in the core, but no. You, I, all I find is just more rings, more rings, and when i reach the centre, emptiness stare at me. Silence. Who am I but performance onion rings?

"But how come you don't let him come along but let her tag along?" I don't know. Okay? I don't know. I really really don't know. Don't ask me, ask him, the other me. He should know. He should know very well. If you ask me, I will just tell you that I also won't let her tag along, because we planned this as a group and this is "our plan". It's exclusive. But then again... she's different.. from him...

Maybe it's how he likes to put himself on a moral highground. Maybe it's how she's always willing to listen to my rather unconventional and controversial views and then tells me how she thought about the same thing and really comforts me in telling me that it's alright and it's human and how she teaches me how to live my christian life alongside these thoughts. Maybe it's how he's so over-enthusiastic at times (but what's wrong with being over-enthusiastic?) Maybe it's... I don't know. They are just different.

I'm sorry if I acted weird. I'm sorry if I looked really grumpy. I really thank all of you for your concerns, and for planning this trip together. I love all of you. I'm feeling okay now. I just hope everything will just turn out well. I thank God for all of you friends. Let's get these essays and exams over and done with and then we can enjoy Taiwan 110%! :D

Captain-ship

"How's YCG leadership ministry going along for you?"

This question plays in my head like... like... iTunes that hanged and therefore sounds like a broken music player.

I understand everybody's concerns and all, but really, what do you expect me to say? I'm still trying to find my way around, I'm still unclear about many things and I really don't know what I should say.

"Well, it's been alright."

And well, it has been, actually.

The ride has been rather smooth so far. Initiatives such as the YCG bonding session were implemented pretty okay. We've set down the new plan and direction for my YCG. Everything is moving along pretty well.

However, it's been only a week and I have already learnt my first lesson of being in the YCG ministry: Faith.

I'm someone who loves to have things in control. In whatever I do, I want to know the plans, I want to know my options, I want to know the possible outcomes, I want to know the steps. I want to be able to know what to do at which step and what might happen and what to do when that something happen.

It's something I picked up from my army experience, really. Because when I am put out there to do the things I do, I've got to have the whole gameplan in my mind. No one's going to prompt me, no one's going to give me warning signs or tell me I'm going in a wrong direction. One wrong move and... well, shan't say more.

But anyway, I am like that. And I brought this mentality into the ministry. I worked out the plan for my YCG, I identify problems, I start a few initiatives. It's been okay, but not everything is as I would have expected it to be.

First week into the ministry and I'm made to be the captain of the mini-soccer team that we are having. Now this is something a little different. I've never had to go source for manpower for anything before. Manpower is usually given to me whenever I need something done. This time, I had to go figure out who I should call, call them and really really PRAY and HOPE that they will turn up on Saturday.

This is not the army. I don't tell the guy to come and expect him to come because I am going to give him extra duties or confinement if he doesn't turn up. Here, I ask if the guy will come and really hope that he will come because it doesn't matter to him whether he turns up or not. It's not as if I know them very well. It's not as if I am their greatest buddy whom they can't disappoint. I am just another leader getting the team together.

And this where faith comes in. I am not the phone-chatter type. So for me to pick up the phone and ask people if they are coming for soccer the next day is a pretty foreign thing to me. I did consider the usage of SMS, but really, I want to connect with them. I don't want to just send a mass sms and let them know of the time and venue.

What should I say to them? How do I connect with them? How do I let them know that I am sincerely asking them to come and enjoy a game of soccer tomorrow?

I don't know. I really really don't know. All I know was that I have to mutter a prayer and just pick up my phone and call them and hope they pick up their phone. They did. One by one, they picked up their phone, and I just managed to so casually strike up a conversation with them.

In the end, they all came. They all turned up on the pitch, all ready to have fun and play soccer. Really, it didn't matter that we won (which I am also happy about), but all that mattered was that they all came down in full support. That's what touched me the most.

And that's how it is with faith. It's not about doing the things that we are good at, that we know what to do, that we already have a plan for. It's really about doing the complete opposite and trusting God to help you with it.

This is only the beginning of my journey. There are many things ahead of me that I really have no idea how to accomplish. Things that are so foreign, so new, so unfamiliar to me. Things like calling people up and asking how their life is and having "follow-up" with them. I can ask all the leaders that I want to, but ultimately I will need faith and God's help to find the right words and the right things to say and ask.

I don't know everything. But really, I don't need to know everything.

A proposal to solve the foreign labour problem in our Land

TO The People of the Elite Republic:

Recently there has been an increase in displeasure concerning the influx of foreign workers from India and China in our land. People are displeased as the import of foreign talents meant that our jobs are stolen and there is less space in our already cramped state.

Trains become overcrowded because of these foreign workers. Places where foreign workers hang out are reportedly to be unsafe and more police presence is requested. There is also a hygiene problem associated with foreign workers.

I understand that because our society is such a fine and refined and re-refined place, it is really difficult to accept these foreign talents. The presence of these talents will only taint our perfect society where everybody is gracious and kind and courteous. Their presence puts the safety of our children and women at risk as all our locals are perfectly law abiding people and there would be no crime if not for the foreign workers.

Because of this very serious problem of the import of foreign talents, I propose the following solution to solve this problem.

These foreign workers have been employed here for purposes such as construction, road maintenance, garbage clearing, road sweeping and other jobs that require hard labour. These jobs need to be carried on in order to maintain the perfect city that we are currently enjoying. In order to shift these workers out of our country, perhaps the only solution is for our citizens to take up such jobs.

These tasks are difficult, and only those who have been trained will be able to do it. Because of this difficulty, we will have to begin selecting children from every family and put them through specific training for the specified tasks and make them carry out these roles with professionalism. After their training, they will then join the profession (construction worker, road sweeper, garbage clearer etc) and pursue it as a career for their whole life.

Because these jobs are important in the maintenance of our city as a clean and green and perfect city, I suggest that we get the people who are most responsible and gracious to do it for us. In view of this, we should therefore enlist the children of families whose income lies in the top 10% of this city. There also other reasons for this.

Getting the rich to do this low paying task would also contribute in closing the income gap, which is a social problem that the gracious and thoughtful rich has been trying to solve but couldn’t find a solution to. We are solving two problems with one solution here, which I believe goes in line with the efficiency and productivity mentality that this city subscribes to.

Such a proposal not only solves the problem of foreign workers in this city, but also closes the income gap, and it even allows the gracious and kind rich to do their part in developing this country. No one will be here to steal our jobs because our children will be trained to fill these jobs. There will be no more cramped trains. The city will be so safe that we won't even need to have the police force anymore. I strongly encourage the citizens to think through this proposal and put it into action.

Breathe

It's that time of the semester. Assignments and project deadlines are just around the corner. Essays are due. Meetings after meetings after meetings. And the examinations are just waiting ahead to deal the final blow to our already miserable student life.

It's that time when everybody start posting hate tweets about their lecturers and project group mates, when people start writing doom posts on their blogs and become very emo on Facebook.

It's that time of the semester when I have to wake up early every single morning to go for project meetings or lessons and have 2 essays waiting for me to write and I have no mood to write either and have decided to blog instead. Oh, the irony!

I felt a little overwhelmed during yesterday's(Tuesday) lecture. It wasn't the content of the lecture. HL105 has always been rather easy for simple-minded people like me. (unlike HL107, Classical Literature for Masters in Philosophy)

It was really the accumulation of readings and project works and lectures and tutorials and church and life and everything else that comes with it. It happens sometimes: when you suddenly feel as if everything is so heavy and overwhelming you can hardly catch your breath before the next something catches up on you and says "HEY START WORK NOW! START WORK NOW!"

It's horrible, this endless race and this paper chase. I tell myself to be more optimistic about it. I even tell others to cheer up. I tell them that we are not here to be educated, but to experience education. I give myself a new reason to go to school each day other than to study. But still, I have to admit, it's difficult. GPA remains a fact that we have to grapple with. It's there. It's staring at us. It holds the key to our future. How can I just simply ignore it?

But even so, we are not robots. We may be cultivated like one, we may be educated like one, but WE ARE NOT ROBOTS. Give yourself a break. I have to give myself a break. I am not here to be educated, I am here to experience education. That still holds true to me. GPA is still important to me. But I won't put my soul down on the altar for GPA's sake.

I may be overwhelmed, I may feel burdened, but no, it's not going to bring me down. If I need to step out of lecture theatre and take a breather, I will. I will breathe the air, the natural and non-air-conditioned air. I will let the fresh air fill my lungs again.

I will breathe. I am human.

Fly

We should always remember
what got us to fly in the air
wasn't wings,
but dreams.

Atheism

“I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” – Stephen Roberts

This is too difficult for me. Help.

A.R.T

ART is sighTing. ART is heARing.
ART is Touching. ART is TAsTing.

ART is hAppy. Art is sAd.
ART is feAR. Art is Awe.

ART is nATuRAl. ART is ARTificiAl
ART is ReAl. ART is surreAl.

ART is plAin. ART is AbsTRAcT.
ART is pRivATe. ART is sociAl.

ART is YOU.
ART is ME.

ART is LOVE.
ART is LIFE.

'High Wind Takes to The Skies'

Have I ever mentioned that the Highwind from FFVII is my favourite airship from all the FF series? Ragnarok only looks awesome in the CG video when it is attacking the Lunatic Pandora. Highwind looks great anywhere.



Well, there's not much competition anyway. I don't know any airships from pre-FFVII and from FFIX onwards, the airships have practically disappeared. I don't know why, so don't ask me. They still have airships, but you can no longer control them like how you can in FFVII and FFVIII.



I remember having fun (and LOTS of fun) by just simply flying Highwind around the world. I'll put it just on top of Midgar, I'll try to 'park' it in the empty lot where the rocket used to be in Rocket Town, I'll hover it just over the Northern Crater, I'll see how fast I can get from one end of the map to another, I'll fly on the sea just to see the little spray that the airship creates over water, I'll point the Highwind in the direction that Sister Ray in Midgar is facing and see if it really can hit Northern Crater. And of course, I remember chasing Ultima Weapon on it. And, knocking into Ruby Weapon. And, knocking into the Northern Crater's barrier before Sister Ray shot it. *BANG*



Inside the Highwind, you will find the meeting room where you will find the most used save point in the game. You will also find Yuffie getting airsick and asking you to give her all your materia once its all over. There's also the chocobo corner where you can store your favourite chocobo! Inside the cockpit you will find the rest of the gang and 2 crewmen who are always busy and panicking and if you talk to one, he will make an error in whatever he was doing. But of course, the most important person in the Highwind is the pilot, who will level up and become only a full-fledged pilot when you reach the final confrontation stage and then he will open turbo for the Highwind. (even up till today I can't decide if I like the Highwind with or without the turbo)

And of course, the Highwind was the backdrop for the most romantic scene in FFVII. Who can forget that?



Dang, I am missing FFVII again.

Past Present Future

Basically a brief summary of what I've been doing, what I'm doing, and what I will have to be doing.

The Journey To Seek

A man goes on a journey to seek god. The man does not want to just believe. He wants to find god even if he knows he will never find him. People around him tells him not to. They say it's too dangerous. They say he should just believe. "You will never find god, you can only believe!" They try their best to pursuade him. "Stay here, just stay here. Don't go out there, you'll never find what you want."

He goes on a journey to seek god. There is a rumour going on. The rumour says god can be found in Logic. He goes to Logic. Such a journey takes him miles and miles away from home. Some of his friends at home say he's lost forever. Lost on a journey to Logic. He reaches Logic, and finds no god. God does not stay here.

He goes on a journey to seek god. There is another rumour: On the top of Mt. Reason, you will find the almighty. He goes. He climbs and he climbs. He gave Mt. Reason all that he has. At last, he reaches the summit. He finds no god. God does not stay here.

He goes on a journey to seek god. And yet there is another rumour. In the city of Evidence! That's where you will find him! So says the rumour. He goes. He picks up all the clues, little hints here and there. And at last, he reaches the city, and yet, he finds no god. God does not stay here.

He goes on a journey to seek god. But he finds no god. He returns to his hometown, and the townsmen made fun of him. "Look, back from his wonderful journey! Have you found god? Tell us the logic, show us your reason and present your evidence. We told you that you'll never find him."

The man went on a journey to seek god. But he never found him. He should never find him. If he did find god, then god wouldn't be God. He did not find God, but he found why he could believe in God.

The man went on a journey to seek God, didn't find God, but found faith instead. Now he knows what he does not know. It's not blind faith, because he knows where to place his belief in. Not in Logic. Not in Mt. Reason. Not in the city of Evidence. Not in his hometown Religion. He places in belief only on God, because that's the only thing he couldn't find.

The people at his hometown says he has wasted his time because he had went on a journey and came back to where he was. But that's not the case. At least for him, he has went to Logic, Mt. Reason and the city of Evidence. He may not have returned with the answer. But he has returned with the experience of the journey.

"Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving." - Terry Pratchett

Decisions. Decisions. (on serving the local church)

“Do you have any desire to be YCG leader?”

“Er... no. I don’t think so.”

“WHAT?!” *grabs chair to whack me* (jokingly of course)

“Er, I have many thoughts which are really controversial to the religion, which I don’t think is appropriate and might be stumbling.”

“It’s ok. I also have controversial thoughts what, remember I talked to you all about casino? (which he did) Also very controversial what. (not that controversial actually)”

“Aiya... I’ll go home and think about it...”

And I SHALL think about it. And I shall be straightforward. And I shall use plain English.

There are obviously many reasons why I don’t want to step into the YCG leader ministry. The main reason being how I have been disillusioned and disappointed with some leaders whom I have worked with in the past.

I always wonder why some leaders just refuse to work together for a common goal. (if we are doing this for God, shouldn't we be doing this for God together?) This region event has been most sobering. Leaders whom I asked to act for the drama just simply refuse to. Reasons: Not free (even though he/she finished A’Levels and is like super free), Don’t feel like it, Don’t know how to act (and don’t want to learn, obviously). And yet, when they talk, they act as if they are doing oh so much for the ministry, that the ministry is taking up SO much of their time. I don’t know what to call this.

And then there’s this thing about myself. In my quest to explore religion and its truths, I somehow detached myself from the religion itself (but not backslide) and now I just can’t buy everything the pastors say simply because I am a Christian and have to be a good boy. This detachment came naturally, but only because I was seeking to be objective about the things I think and write. And because of this detachment, things like “Because God says so” or “Because we really can’t understand God’s ways anyway” or “Even Jesus didn’t know why He died” sounds very weak excuses to be ignorant about loops holes and imperfections. I have become a little too critical, and the bad part is that I don’t see anything bad about it.

I am someone who never believed in “ministry”. Because to me, a Christian’s ministry is in living his/her life. Ministry in church is something I call ‘recognized ministry’. That means it is something that you do for God and people recognize you for it. Sometimes, people take recognized ministry more importantly than their life ministry, which makes them a little of a hypocrite and I don’t want that to happen to me.

So that’s going to be why I probably won’t want to join the YCG leaders ministry. But I said I will think about it, so I have to think about why I should join the YCG leaders ministry. There’s always the flip side to the coin, so let’s flip it.

This took me awhile, and I had to talk to a few friends.

“God doesn’t just call people to be leaders. He sometimes calls people to be leaders of leaders.”

While discussing with a friend, this sentence struck me. Not because I am so egoistic that I want to be a leader of the leaders, but because it really coincided with my vision for the YCG ministry.

Personally, I really want my region’s leaders to improve themselves, to put their effort and heart into producing quality work, to be true to themselves, to put their heart and soul into the ministry. However, I really am not achieving much by being an armchair critic and always talking bad about them. If I want change, I have to be the agent of change, I have to lead the change that I want to see in the people I want to change.

And that was the reason why Jeff and I got ourselves to be involved in the planning of the region event anyway. Because we got sick of last minute preparation, rushed work and poor performance. Because we wanted to see the leaders change and realise that being efficient is possible. If this event itself is not enough to stir them, then being a leader myself probably might.

But what of my thoughts and ideas to pursue greater understanding and truths? Am I to abandon them for the sake of having a halo on my head? I don’t think so. In fact, if I think that the pursuit of greater understanding and truths is a good thing, why am I so afraid of it if I become a leader? If it is ultimately a good thing, why can’t I teach people to pursue greater understanding and truths as well?

Becoming a leader doesn’t mean that I have to be like some of the bad ones whom I always have something against (and this is just my perception. Sometimes I just don't see enough to know that some people are really doing things that I do not get to see.) If I do, then that would defeat the purpose of joining the ministry in the first place, isn’t it? I can just be myself. Nobody said that I had to change the way I do things when I become a leader.

And then there are the commitments that I have to think about. School and training is really taking up a big bulk of my time already. And I don’t even know how much time the ministry will take from me. But really, time and commitments are the least important things to think about; because I believe that if I want to do something, I can always make time for it.

Only when I become a leader am I qualified to comment on other leaders, because only then can I say that I’ve “been there and done that”. Currently, it is very easy for other people to say, “aiya, you also not leader how you know what we leaders go through?” And there is truth in this. Often, I do feel that it is a tad unfair when I comment about the leaders without ever really understanding what they have to do.

And on the more biblical side, I do feel a little like Jonah when I think through this. Not because I fear being eaten by a giant fish when I go canoe training in MacRitchie, but because I am a little like Jonah when God calls him to Nineveh. Jonah refuses to go to Nineveh at first, and I can identify with how he must be feeling and what he must be thinking. “Aiya, is it even my fault that those people are screwing themselves up? Why must I be the one to go in there and make the change?”

God’s method really is man. If God has called Jonah to warn Nineveh of their impending doom, and was bothered enough to send a fish to get Jonah to do it; what about me? How can I turn my back and say no? How can I push it to somebody else?

It isn't just about me. Being in the ministry, or not, affects the people around me as well. Most directly, my own YCG. What will happen to them? Ton is a leader whom I respect, for his dedication and willingness to sacrifice. He is the one who has given so much of his time and money to get things done in the YCG. Its a pretty big pair of shoes to fill, actually.

How about teaching them? I haven't done it before. But really, that's no excuse. I've never been a person who say I can't do something just because I haven't done it before. Yet, I sometimes feel that I could easily teach the wrong thing. Because how I understand some things could really differ from another, or the given intepretation, even if I have a lesson plan on my hand.

And what if I don't take this up? I am surely going to disappoint pastor if I reject him in the face. And sometimes, I respect him too much to do that. Besides, I know that he too has a vision for the leaders to buck themselves up, to inspire others and to take more initiative. (well, I heard it straight from his mouth) He has a plan, and am I going to say no and make it hard for him? I don't think I am really prepared to do that.

How about my current assistant and soon-to-be leader Bernice? Am I going to leave to her by herself once Ton leaves, which I believe he will regardless of whether I take up the position or not. Isn't that being a little irresponsible? Just simply refusing to do the job because I didn't feel like it? Even if it's not just because I didn't feel like it, even if I have some reasons (which I currently think suffice more of being only excuses instead of reasons), it is still irresponsible. It's hard for her to do this alone, and I know it because I've been in this YCG for 5 years.

What of my friends? What of my Sunday lunch groupie? I know it seems so unimportant, but I've always regarded Sunday lunch as something important to me. It's like this little enclave after church, whereby anyone can join. It's for people who has friends in the YCG leader ministry, who has music practice to go to, who has rehearsals blah blah blah. It's so you won't have to wait alone, it's so you'll have company, so you can meet more friends and know more people. And I will miss them if I do join the ministry.

Ultimately, even if all my own reasonings don't matter because they don't seem convincing enough even to myself, I have to think about who am I going to do this for. I know I am going to do this for God, that's a given fact. But I can do a hundred and one other things for God. I think, if I ever do this, that I have to do it for the people that I care for. I can't do or not do it simply because I have such and such problems with myself, or because I have so and so reason. If I decide not to do it because I have issues with myself, or issues with other people, or because I don't feel like, it just seems so selfish. If the people around me feel that I am up to the job, why can't I just give myself a chance?

It's all about trying, isn't it? Why am I so afraid of failures? Aren't we all here to learn together?

Give it your best, try everything you can and then see what happens. It's always better to regret doing something than to regret not doing something.