Typing this at my cousin's place right now.
We are having an LOTRO party.
I wonder how your day has been. You know, I was so touched when I saw your sister's forwarded message today. I just wanted so much to break our rules and send you a message. When I was at school, I wanted to break the rules again to come find you. And I saw you on LOTRO just now as well, and I wanted to just come take a look at how you are doing.
But rules are rules. And I can see how this is doing good for the both of us. It's the little things now that brighten up my day, like a Tweet on Twitter, or a little message passed through a third party. I really begin to appreciate all these things so much more now.
Been staring at our pictures on my iPad too. :)
I hope you like these tiny messages in place of a phone call.
Anyway, good night for now. I can't wait to see you soon. Soon. So, so, soon. I hope you have good night's sleep.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Hour 73
How was YCG?
I remember you will ask me that every Wednesday. And I missed that today.
Feels so weird, isn't it? Missing all the small things?
Been working on my FYP today. Gotta hand in a draft tomorrow. Was just kinda hoping that I would get some sort of text from you or something, although that would have broken the rules.
Didn't happen. Of course. But that's entirely fine, because really, I wouldn't want us to break the rules.
I wonder how it is all going on the other side. I have no idea.
Good night anyway.
I remember you will ask me that every Wednesday. And I missed that today.
Feels so weird, isn't it? Missing all the small things?
Been working on my FYP today. Gotta hand in a draft tomorrow. Was just kinda hoping that I would get some sort of text from you or something, although that would have broken the rules.
Didn't happen. Of course. But that's entirely fine, because really, I wouldn't want us to break the rules.
I wonder how it is all going on the other side. I have no idea.
Good night anyway.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Hour 49
I'm singing a song to myself, because you were the only person who would listen to me sing.
I wonder if you know that I miss you. And I wonder if you miss me.
I scour the internet for any clue, any mention, any sort of... missing.
I wonder how your day has been. It's your only off-day of the week, and hopefully it has been pretty fruitful.
I hope you have a good night's rest. It is a blessing to have someone you can say good night to and to say good night in return to you.
It is becoming clear now. I truly... yes, I do.
I wonder if you know that I miss you. And I wonder if you miss me.
I scour the internet for any clue, any mention, any sort of... missing.
I wonder how your day has been. It's your only off-day of the week, and hopefully it has been pretty fruitful.
I hope you have a good night's rest. It is a blessing to have someone you can say good night to and to say good night in return to you.
It is becoming clear now. I truly... yes, I do.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Hour 25
It's been a day.
Unbelievable, isn't it? How much such a short amount of time can accomplish?
I find myself fishing out my phone constantly today, wondering if I would catch a message from you or something. I check Twitter, Facebook, blogs, wondering how you are doing.
I guess technology is both a bane and a boon. It connects people together, and sometimes it connects people together too much. Technology makes things like writing letters and notes and what not seem obsolete, because it practically allows two people to constantly be talking to each other. It makes people miss each other less.
I guess this is good for us. It makes us realize the things we have taken for granted. It makes us, or at least me, miss each other (you) so much more.
Unbelievable, isn't it? How much such a short amount of time can accomplish?
I find myself fishing out my phone constantly today, wondering if I would catch a message from you or something. I check Twitter, Facebook, blogs, wondering how you are doing.
I guess technology is both a bane and a boon. It connects people together, and sometimes it connects people together too much. Technology makes things like writing letters and notes and what not seem obsolete, because it practically allows two people to constantly be talking to each other. It makes people miss each other less.
I guess this is good for us. It makes us realize the things we have taken for granted. It makes us, or at least me, miss each other (you) so much more.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Hour 1
It's only been the first hour and already I am starting to miss you.
I've just been surfing around the net, wondering if you will send me any sort of message, give me any sort of indication about how you feel about all this. I thought, maybe, just maybe you will send me a message, or leave a note somewhere for me to say that, ya, something.
Absence is really something, isn't it? It makes you realize the smallest things in your life that you take for granted.
I miss wishing you a good night, and telling you that I love you.
It's these small things that matter. But we sometimes just don't see their significance, until we stop doing them.
Just like our limbs.
But you are more important than any of my limbs.
I miss you. And I love you. And I wish you will have a good night's rest even though you drank a tiny sip of my cafe latte just now.
I've just been surfing around the net, wondering if you will send me any sort of message, give me any sort of indication about how you feel about all this. I thought, maybe, just maybe you will send me a message, or leave a note somewhere for me to say that, ya, something.
Absence is really something, isn't it? It makes you realize the smallest things in your life that you take for granted.
I miss wishing you a good night, and telling you that I love you.
It's these small things that matter. But we sometimes just don't see their significance, until we stop doing them.
Just like our limbs.
But you are more important than any of my limbs.
I miss you. And I love you. And I wish you will have a good night's rest even though you drank a tiny sip of my cafe latte just now.
Monday, March 04, 2013
a dream
Well I had a dream recently. I don't know where it came from, but it had one of these time-travel-defy-logic-makes-no-sense kind of narrative, which is usually very common in dreams. Since when are dreams logical, right? I found it kind of weird, and I actually like how everything gets all tied up together into a mess. So I wrote it down.
I spruced it up a little, added in names, dates and other details so that it's at least understandable, unlike dreams. So here goes. I call it The Monk and The Girl.
21 February 2001
NEWSFLASH: Girl, Daisy Rich, jumps to her death at West Town University where she studies. Friends say they have no idea why she did that, as she was a cheerful girl with no history of depression or any problems in life.
Her boyfriend, Terrence Andrews, was so heartbroken that he decided not to fall in love ever again and became a monk.
21 February 2011
Terrence meets Daisy. They spent an entire night talking about life and philosophy, and falls in love with each other. However, Terrence is unable to be with her as he is a monk.
They go separate ways.
As they sleep, both of them can’t stop thinking about each other. They wished in their hearts that Terrence had not become a monk. They wished that they could do something to change the events that led to
Terrence becoming a monk. Their wishes were granted.
They were both transported back to 21 February 2001.
21 February 2001
West Town University – Terrence is looking for Daisy Rich. He sees her, laughing and smiling with her friends. He wanted to go up to her and talk to her, just as they will do 10 years from now. But he remembers – Daisy from 10 years ago does not know him. He walks away quickly.
Daisy Rich sees Terrence. She remembers what she came back to 2001 to do – to tell him not to become a monk. But Terrence is walking away now. She chases him.
Terrence sees Daisy chasing after him. He is afraid. He does not know what to do. He jumps off a ledge, dropping nearly 100m to the ground. But he lands safely, because he is a monk.
Daisy sees him jumping off the ledge. She hesitates. But she does not want to lose sight of Terrence now.
She takes after him. She steps off the ledge. She jumps. But she is not a monk.
It was a long fall to the ground.
Terrence looks up and sees Daisy falling. He jumps towards her in martial arts style, got her in his arms and safely drops to the ground.
*END*
I spruced it up a little, added in names, dates and other details so that it's at least understandable, unlike dreams. So here goes. I call it The Monk and The Girl.
21 February 2001
NEWSFLASH: Girl, Daisy Rich, jumps to her death at West Town University where she studies. Friends say they have no idea why she did that, as she was a cheerful girl with no history of depression or any problems in life.
Her boyfriend, Terrence Andrews, was so heartbroken that he decided not to fall in love ever again and became a monk.
21 February 2011
Terrence meets Daisy. They spent an entire night talking about life and philosophy, and falls in love with each other. However, Terrence is unable to be with her as he is a monk.
They go separate ways.
As they sleep, both of them can’t stop thinking about each other. They wished in their hearts that Terrence had not become a monk. They wished that they could do something to change the events that led to
Terrence becoming a monk. Their wishes were granted.
They were both transported back to 21 February 2001.
21 February 2001
West Town University – Terrence is looking for Daisy Rich. He sees her, laughing and smiling with her friends. He wanted to go up to her and talk to her, just as they will do 10 years from now. But he remembers – Daisy from 10 years ago does not know him. He walks away quickly.
Daisy Rich sees Terrence. She remembers what she came back to 2001 to do – to tell him not to become a monk. But Terrence is walking away now. She chases him.
Terrence sees Daisy chasing after him. He is afraid. He does not know what to do. He jumps off a ledge, dropping nearly 100m to the ground. But he lands safely, because he is a monk.
Daisy sees him jumping off the ledge. She hesitates. But she does not want to lose sight of Terrence now.
She takes after him. She steps off the ledge. She jumps. But she is not a monk.
It was a long fall to the ground.
Terrence looks up and sees Daisy falling. He jumps towards her in martial arts style, got her in his arms and safely drops to the ground.
*END*
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
On Music
I was at the Laneway Festival Singapore 2013 last Saturday with my girlfriend. Just to put it on record, it was not the first music concert that I've been in my life, but it certainly was the first one that I had to attend under a blistering hot sun and endure a horrible weather of overly powerful sunshine, suffering bad sunburns as a result of listening to music 'live'. I enjoyed the concert, but certainly not the weather.
I'm not exactly a music fan. I mean, I like to listen to music but to pay $120++ to stay under the sun while listening to multiple artiste beat out their tunes from 12pm to 12am is not exactly my kind of thing. I know of people who are fanatics enough to actually enjoy that, but I'm certainly not one of them. Not forgetting to add, of course, the kind of money-grubbing mechanisms in place at the festival - no food and drinks allowed in (and I even see people get their brollies confiscated at the gate, I mean, woh!), and then selling overpriced food and drinks (kebabs at $10, drinking water at $5!). I spent nearly $50 on food and drinks that day, and I didn't even buy much. I can imagine the organisers earning big bucks, with the weather being such a killer and the organisers monopolising the supply of drinking water in the area.
That said, I enjoyed myself at the festival nonetheless. The artistes were good, the fans were really excited, and the overall atmosphere and mood was a generally excitable one. As the artistes were singing, and the people dancing around me, I could feel a little of the groove going into me. Alright I'll make a note here: if you know me well enough, you will know that I am a rather stiff guy. I don't dance much, and I haven't visited any clubs since 2005 (wow, 8 years?). I don't listen to much music either. But hey, during Laneway, I could really feel the groove. My girlfriend even said I grooved more than her, but I didn't think that meant much (she's a huge fan of music, but I can't say the same about her tendency to dance). Everyone was happy (well mostly, except for a few rather 'conservative' audience who did not expect Laneway to be a major dancefest dominated by Caucasians, or what we call "Ang Mohs"; what, did they think there would be seats and everybody was gonna just sit and listen to music or something? Lol, I just loved their faces when they stared at the others dancing as if that was not the thing to do at a music festival).
I have this funny theory. Funny little theory about music. Okay, maybe I shouldn't say funny. I have this theory about music. You know how everything in this world has a certain vibration? It's like physics, you know. Everything in this world vibrates to a certain frequency. So if I can use some way to match the vibration of a certain something to the vibration of another thing, the thing that is matched will break apart. For example, you know glass shatters when sound waves of a certain frequency matches that of the glass? Yeah, same principle. So everything has a certain vibration - physically.
I think the same thing applies to music as well. I believe music has a certain vibration as well. And it comes in so many parts. I was just thinking about it when I was at Laneway and standing right in front of the speakers that were trying to turn me deaf (my ears were ringing as I tried to sleep that night). There's the vibration coming from the speakers, and the bass, and these resonates with our bodies. Its as if my body was feeling the music, not just my ear listening. I could feel my heart move with the bass. It was such a strange sensation. But you see, that's physically - the 'physicality' of the music resonating with the physicality of my body. But there's something else as well.
The soul. You know when you hear really good music played 'live' in front of you, you feel this attraction to the music. You fall silent, everybody fall silent and the feel the music in their hearts, no, their souls. It's just such a rare and amazing moment if you ever hear good music that connects with you perfectly. At that moment, it feels as if that piece of music is vibrating with your soul, and you are so ready to just fall apart. Its as if a piece of good music reverberates with the soul. You are connected to everybody, and all the audience with the artiste are connected and vibrating together with their souls. You can sense the sadness, misery, happiness, excitement, anger or whatever emotions that the artiste is working into that piece of music. And that is amazing.
I'm not exactly a music fan. I mean, I like to listen to music but to pay $120++ to stay under the sun while listening to multiple artiste beat out their tunes from 12pm to 12am is not exactly my kind of thing. I know of people who are fanatics enough to actually enjoy that, but I'm certainly not one of them. Not forgetting to add, of course, the kind of money-grubbing mechanisms in place at the festival - no food and drinks allowed in (and I even see people get their brollies confiscated at the gate, I mean, woh!), and then selling overpriced food and drinks (kebabs at $10, drinking water at $5!). I spent nearly $50 on food and drinks that day, and I didn't even buy much. I can imagine the organisers earning big bucks, with the weather being such a killer and the organisers monopolising the supply of drinking water in the area.
That said, I enjoyed myself at the festival nonetheless. The artistes were good, the fans were really excited, and the overall atmosphere and mood was a generally excitable one. As the artistes were singing, and the people dancing around me, I could feel a little of the groove going into me. Alright I'll make a note here: if you know me well enough, you will know that I am a rather stiff guy. I don't dance much, and I haven't visited any clubs since 2005 (wow, 8 years?). I don't listen to much music either. But hey, during Laneway, I could really feel the groove. My girlfriend even said I grooved more than her, but I didn't think that meant much (she's a huge fan of music, but I can't say the same about her tendency to dance). Everyone was happy (well mostly, except for a few rather 'conservative' audience who did not expect Laneway to be a major dancefest dominated by Caucasians, or what we call "Ang Mohs"; what, did they think there would be seats and everybody was gonna just sit and listen to music or something? Lol, I just loved their faces when they stared at the others dancing as if that was not the thing to do at a music festival).
I have this funny theory. Funny little theory about music. Okay, maybe I shouldn't say funny. I have this theory about music. You know how everything in this world has a certain vibration? It's like physics, you know. Everything in this world vibrates to a certain frequency. So if I can use some way to match the vibration of a certain something to the vibration of another thing, the thing that is matched will break apart. For example, you know glass shatters when sound waves of a certain frequency matches that of the glass? Yeah, same principle. So everything has a certain vibration - physically.
I think the same thing applies to music as well. I believe music has a certain vibration as well. And it comes in so many parts. I was just thinking about it when I was at Laneway and standing right in front of the speakers that were trying to turn me deaf (my ears were ringing as I tried to sleep that night). There's the vibration coming from the speakers, and the bass, and these resonates with our bodies. Its as if my body was feeling the music, not just my ear listening. I could feel my heart move with the bass. It was such a strange sensation. But you see, that's physically - the 'physicality' of the music resonating with the physicality of my body. But there's something else as well.
The soul. You know when you hear really good music played 'live' in front of you, you feel this attraction to the music. You fall silent, everybody fall silent and the feel the music in their hearts, no, their souls. It's just such a rare and amazing moment if you ever hear good music that connects with you perfectly. At that moment, it feels as if that piece of music is vibrating with your soul, and you are so ready to just fall apart. Its as if a piece of good music reverberates with the soul. You are connected to everybody, and all the audience with the artiste are connected and vibrating together with their souls. You can sense the sadness, misery, happiness, excitement, anger or whatever emotions that the artiste is working into that piece of music. And that is amazing.
Monday, December 10, 2012
A reflection upon the state of things
The toughest semester in my education history - three level 400 modules, mostly with intense group work and difficult content - has come an end. As I finish my final paper in the exam hall, a staff at the university comes along to every table to scrape off the sticker indicating the table number - truly, my final paper was in the final time slot of the exam season.
My girlfriend is overseas with her family in Europe, and she has been away since 1 December. 25 days in the Old World winter; this might very well be longest time we spend apart from each other. But well. She updates me everyday about this and that, and I pretty much can come to the conclusion that she is happy, which makes me feel better. Funny thing though, she goes to London to have Asian food. Some weird habit on the side of her family if you ask me. But well, I guess there is something special about Asian food in the West - popular culture is always so obsessed with this thing called the "Chinese Takeaway". Well I know what Chinese food, but I don't know how a "Chinese Takeaway" is like. So.
The end of the exams doesn't give me any form of respite either. No rest until the after Christmas I suppose. In actual fact, I have not had a good rest since... last year I suppose. Since I was in Vietnam. That is almost a year ago already. Sigh. Time really flies at the speed of... time. Since I returned from Vietnam, it has been like School - Church - Exam - Church - Internship - Internship - Church - School - Exam. And now that exam has ended, when everybody says "Hooray its BREAK time!", guess what's lined up for me? If you guessed anything other than "Church", you deserve a good knock in the head. I don't know how I'm going to get any break at this rate. Or maybe my life will be like this - one good break a year. Heck, even the people WORKING in the church get better work-life balance than people VOLUNTEERING in the church. But I ain't complaining.
I guess this is what volunteerism is all about. Some times I really wonder to myself, "is it worth it?" I mean, really, volunteering at the church (well you can call it ministry or anything, but its volunteering) isn't really very rewarding in the rather tangible or recognisable sense. Defenders of the Faith are probably going to come shoot me with their machine guns of "You do it for God" or "Your reward is in Heaven" kind of argument, but argh. Come on, I've been a Christian for nearly 10 years now - you think I don't know the line of argument?
I'm not even saying that such theology is wrong. Heck, if volunteering at church isn't about rewards in Heaven and about God, what can it be about? All I'm saying is that such volunteerism ain't easy. It's difficult because some times I don't know what the heck I'm doing it for. I look at my friends who volunteer for some non-profit organisation helping the needy or the elderly or whoever, and they get recognised by organsiations, and they can put it onto their resume to get good jobs and scholarships, and it seems that their work is SO MEANINGFUL as well; then I think to myself - I'm putting in the same number of hours and effort, but who the heck puts "Volunteer at the church" in their resume, and who even cares about your volunteer work in the church. Who's going to care if I'm a YCG leader or not when I'm looking for opportunities after my graduation?
In other words, what do my efforts in volunteering for the church translate to?
I honestly cannot have an answer for this. I've been trying to work it out for myself. There are times when I say that I do it for the members under my care - I've formed a bond with them and they are my friends, so its kind of an ass thing to do to just back out on them now. Then there are also times when I say that I do it for God's blessing - I've always believed that my life has been blessed tremendously by God, and that my faithfulness is rewarded in the form of peace and rather good grades. These are the times when I hold extremely firm to the verse "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." (Matthew 6:33). Then there are times when I feel defeated by the very mission that I am working for.
My church is going through some sort of transition phase right now. Structures are being changed, new ministries are coming on board and the leadership is taking on a different direction in several areas. I've heard of major changes in several ministries and there are many who aren't happy with the leadership at all. I don't know about other ministries which I am not involved in, but the Youth Leadership Ministry (of which I am a part of) is going through some sort of weeding phase.
Weeding phase. Cynical, but that's exactly what it is. We were involved in some sort of meeting with the lead pastor, and basically the take-away was "if you don't think you can commit to the ministry, then please leave. If you think you can, please commit." It sounds harsh, but I personally felt that it was a very fair thing to ask of us. The entire youth ministry has become bogged down by leaders who aren't committed either because the years of commitment has drained them and quenched their fire, or because of the haphazard recruitment of half-ready leaders because there was a major lack of manpower. Whatever the reason is, people who aren't committed affect others. Negativity is contagious. And if we wanna make a fresh start for the farm, some weeding is absolutely necessary.
So I was given a choice. Leave or stay. Even though it was my exam period, I gave some thought to it. It was quite a struggle, really. I was honestly very tempted to leave. But when I looked at the leaders whom I work with, and the members in my community group, and my life's blessings from God through my education, I felt a very strong conviction that Matthew 6:33 holds very true. So through the conviction of this verse, I decided to say to myself, "Ah what the heck. Let's just stick through with it and see what happens."
Unfortunately I haven't convinced myself beyond that. I still feel a sense of tiredness about the ministry. It's the kind of ministry that really takes a lot out of you. I mean, I only just finished my exams two days ago and they want me to start planning for a series of consecutive events for Christmas. It's difficult, and I feel pretty burnt out.
I guess the issue here isn't really about commitment. It's really to simplistic to just put an ultimatum on the leaders and ask them to decide if they want to commit or to quit. Seriously, I don't think it works like this. Somebody seems to be trying a sort of quick fix to the sticky situation that we are in. Weeding is one thing, but something needs to be done with the kind of commitment that we are all signed up for too. The church expects a lot from the people serving in it; that puts a lot of stress on the people doing volunteer work for the church.
Some sort of understanding need to be struck between the church and its volunteers. A two-way communication channel AND environment should be available for open feedback. The system (heck, it's a system even if you don't recognise it as one) has to be softer and flexible, with more space for people to find it easier to fit themselves into places where they can perform at a more optimum rate. Something should be done to keep the volunteers encouraged and passionate for their ministry. Some sort of rest or break should be planned for the volunteers (and I'm not saying those kinds of "break" whereby there is no YCG for the week but we STILL need to plan for something ahead). I don't know all the solutions to this sticky situation, but more needs to be done if we want to see positive changes in the new year.
Help us to find a reason why we should serve with more of our heart and our effort and our time. If there is anything the church is for, it is to encourage its workers and volunteers to keep their hearts on fire for God, and not to discourage them through difficult human resource policies.
Help us to believe in Matthew 6:33, not tell us to believe in it.
My girlfriend is overseas with her family in Europe, and she has been away since 1 December. 25 days in the Old World winter; this might very well be longest time we spend apart from each other. But well. She updates me everyday about this and that, and I pretty much can come to the conclusion that she is happy, which makes me feel better. Funny thing though, she goes to London to have Asian food. Some weird habit on the side of her family if you ask me. But well, I guess there is something special about Asian food in the West - popular culture is always so obsessed with this thing called the "Chinese Takeaway". Well I know what Chinese food, but I don't know how a "Chinese Takeaway" is like. So.
The end of the exams doesn't give me any form of respite either. No rest until the after Christmas I suppose. In actual fact, I have not had a good rest since... last year I suppose. Since I was in Vietnam. That is almost a year ago already. Sigh. Time really flies at the speed of... time. Since I returned from Vietnam, it has been like School - Church - Exam - Church - Internship - Internship - Church - School - Exam. And now that exam has ended, when everybody says "Hooray its BREAK time!", guess what's lined up for me? If you guessed anything other than "Church", you deserve a good knock in the head. I don't know how I'm going to get any break at this rate. Or maybe my life will be like this - one good break a year. Heck, even the people WORKING in the church get better work-life balance than people VOLUNTEERING in the church. But I ain't complaining.
I guess this is what volunteerism is all about. Some times I really wonder to myself, "is it worth it?" I mean, really, volunteering at the church (well you can call it ministry or anything, but its volunteering) isn't really very rewarding in the rather tangible or recognisable sense. Defenders of the Faith are probably going to come shoot me with their machine guns of "You do it for God" or "Your reward is in Heaven" kind of argument, but argh. Come on, I've been a Christian for nearly 10 years now - you think I don't know the line of argument?
I'm not even saying that such theology is wrong. Heck, if volunteering at church isn't about rewards in Heaven and about God, what can it be about? All I'm saying is that such volunteerism ain't easy. It's difficult because some times I don't know what the heck I'm doing it for. I look at my friends who volunteer for some non-profit organisation helping the needy or the elderly or whoever, and they get recognised by organsiations, and they can put it onto their resume to get good jobs and scholarships, and it seems that their work is SO MEANINGFUL as well; then I think to myself - I'm putting in the same number of hours and effort, but who the heck puts "Volunteer at the church" in their resume, and who even cares about your volunteer work in the church. Who's going to care if I'm a YCG leader or not when I'm looking for opportunities after my graduation?
In other words, what do my efforts in volunteering for the church translate to?
I honestly cannot have an answer for this. I've been trying to work it out for myself. There are times when I say that I do it for the members under my care - I've formed a bond with them and they are my friends, so its kind of an ass thing to do to just back out on them now. Then there are also times when I say that I do it for God's blessing - I've always believed that my life has been blessed tremendously by God, and that my faithfulness is rewarded in the form of peace and rather good grades. These are the times when I hold extremely firm to the verse "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." (Matthew 6:33). Then there are times when I feel defeated by the very mission that I am working for.
My church is going through some sort of transition phase right now. Structures are being changed, new ministries are coming on board and the leadership is taking on a different direction in several areas. I've heard of major changes in several ministries and there are many who aren't happy with the leadership at all. I don't know about other ministries which I am not involved in, but the Youth Leadership Ministry (of which I am a part of) is going through some sort of weeding phase.
Weeding phase. Cynical, but that's exactly what it is. We were involved in some sort of meeting with the lead pastor, and basically the take-away was "if you don't think you can commit to the ministry, then please leave. If you think you can, please commit." It sounds harsh, but I personally felt that it was a very fair thing to ask of us. The entire youth ministry has become bogged down by leaders who aren't committed either because the years of commitment has drained them and quenched their fire, or because of the haphazard recruitment of half-ready leaders because there was a major lack of manpower. Whatever the reason is, people who aren't committed affect others. Negativity is contagious. And if we wanna make a fresh start for the farm, some weeding is absolutely necessary.
So I was given a choice. Leave or stay. Even though it was my exam period, I gave some thought to it. It was quite a struggle, really. I was honestly very tempted to leave. But when I looked at the leaders whom I work with, and the members in my community group, and my life's blessings from God through my education, I felt a very strong conviction that Matthew 6:33 holds very true. So through the conviction of this verse, I decided to say to myself, "Ah what the heck. Let's just stick through with it and see what happens."
Unfortunately I haven't convinced myself beyond that. I still feel a sense of tiredness about the ministry. It's the kind of ministry that really takes a lot out of you. I mean, I only just finished my exams two days ago and they want me to start planning for a series of consecutive events for Christmas. It's difficult, and I feel pretty burnt out.
I guess the issue here isn't really about commitment. It's really to simplistic to just put an ultimatum on the leaders and ask them to decide if they want to commit or to quit. Seriously, I don't think it works like this. Somebody seems to be trying a sort of quick fix to the sticky situation that we are in. Weeding is one thing, but something needs to be done with the kind of commitment that we are all signed up for too. The church expects a lot from the people serving in it; that puts a lot of stress on the people doing volunteer work for the church.
Some sort of understanding need to be struck between the church and its volunteers. A two-way communication channel AND environment should be available for open feedback. The system (heck, it's a system even if you don't recognise it as one) has to be softer and flexible, with more space for people to find it easier to fit themselves into places where they can perform at a more optimum rate. Something should be done to keep the volunteers encouraged and passionate for their ministry. Some sort of rest or break should be planned for the volunteers (and I'm not saying those kinds of "break" whereby there is no YCG for the week but we STILL need to plan for something ahead). I don't know all the solutions to this sticky situation, but more needs to be done if we want to see positive changes in the new year.
Help us to find a reason why we should serve with more of our heart and our effort and our time. If there is anything the church is for, it is to encourage its workers and volunteers to keep their hearts on fire for God, and not to discourage them through difficult human resource policies.
Help us to believe in Matthew 6:33, not tell us to believe in it.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
The Contract
It was the year 2050. The Society for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (SETA) had garnered huge support against the slaughtering of cattle for food, and was placing huge pressure on policy makers to ban the slaughter of cattle for food. Everyday, supporters lobbied and protested, and the government found themselves in a tight spot.
The thing was this - the government officials loved meat. And the person-in-charge of handling this issue with SETA was himself a huge meat lover. He couldn't imagine a society without any beef. He loved his steak the most, T-bone, Rib-eye, Sirloin, anything. But he was under immense pressure. What couldhe do? If SETA continued to put pressure like this, there would be no more beef in the country, or even the world! Many people would suffer, and many jobs would be lost as slaughterhouses closed down. He was at his wits' end.
While thinking about it in his office library, he stumbled upon a book about the founding history of a certain city state in the late 1800s. And all of a sudden, he had an idea. It was almost an eureka moment for him as he dashed out of his office to gather his colleagues and discussed his plan with them.
The next day, several people spotted a group of government officials bringing a huge and majestic looking bull into a building. However, they were not able to see what happened in the building as the door was quickly shut and there were no windows about. They just sighed to themselves as they believed that this was a group of desperate officials who had kidnapped a bull to satisfy their meat craving in these times of lack.
Nobody took much notice of what happened in that building, and people gradually forgot about it. The following week, everyone was surprised when the same group of government officials brought the bull out, as huge and majestic as before, but this time with a crown and a robe around it. It was one of the most bizarre sights anybody had ever seen in their lives. The officials led the bull straight to the supreme court and made an announcement in front of the judge.
"This bull here is the King of All Cattle, and he has decided to make an agreement with us humans."
The people who were at the scene were bewildered. Sure, this bull looked kingly enough, but since when was there a king of all cattle? Some were very skeptical.
"Where did this bull come from? How can you prove to us that this is the King of All Cattle?" a man in the crowd shouted in question.
Many people were gathering around the scene now, and it was getting rather chaotic. The judge asked everyone to quieten down.
"Well, well. The people are right. You have to prove that this bull is indeed the King of All Cattle before any sort of agreement can be made on behalf of all cattle with the humans," the judge said rather wisely. He was very much amused himself at what was happening. And he was a hardcore meat lover.
"Alright. Here's a document stating his lineage and his relations with all cattle. It is very clear that he is indeed the King of All Cattle," replied an official as he handed a piece of paper to the judge.
"Well well... this seems quite credible..." muttered the judge as he fingered the document that looked worn out and aged.
Some people from SETA arrived, and were extremely furious at what was happening.
"What is the meaning of this?! Since when has there been any form of lineage among cattle?! This is all a fraud!" they shouted in anger. Some of them tried to push through the crowd but were stopped by the guards.
"Well, I don't see any reason to doubt this document. It looks genuine enough. Why would anyone want to forge a document concerning the lineage of the King of All Cattle?" replied the judge, as he handed the document for keeping. "However, for the sake of fairness, I would like more proof from His Majesty the King, please."
"Of course," said the official coolly.
One of the officials standing near the bull whispered something into its ear, and all of a sudden, the bull perked its ears in attention. Everyone held their breath and their hearts skipped a beat. Then, as if it was the most normal thing in the world, the bull opened its mouth and said the following:
"I am the King of All Cattle. I represent all cattle here today to form a treaty with the humans."
Everyone present was shocked, and some were scared out of their wits and ran away in fear. There was a huge commotion in the crowd. The judge quickly recovered from his own surprise and took control of the situation.
"Well well... erhem, I guess that pretty much settles it. This bull is indeed the King of All Cattle," announced the judge. "So, what kind of treaty are you going to make with the humans, Your Majesty?"
Once again, an official whispered something into the ear of the bull and it perked up again.
"I have come to make an agreement that man can slaughter any number of cattle as long as they keep my species alive and in good number," said the bull.
A person from SETA, upon hearing this, was so outraged that he almost burst with anger on the spot, but he didn't. Instead, he shouted out in protest,
"This is utter bull shit! What kind of bull shit agreement is that?!"
The officials were now feeling rather bullish about the whole situation, and replied in confidence,
"Well, the King of All Cattle has spoken, how can you say this is... well, whatever you said it is?"
There was loud murmuring among the crowd and several people were dragged away by the guards. One of them being the person from SETA. The judge then quickly stepped in and announced:
"Well, since an agreement has been reached, I guess we should sign a contract regarding this agreement."
A contract was brought out, and the bull stamped its hoof on it, while the judge signed in acknowledgement of the contract. With that, a contract was formed between cattle and man, that all man can freely slaughter and eat cattle as long as they keep the species thriving.
Since that day, SETA could find no reason to fault the policy makers for allowing cattle to be slaughtered for food because of the contract. The policymaker was happy, the judge was happy, and plenty of jobs were saved.
No one knew where the King of All Cattle went after the contract signing in the supreme court.
The thing was this - the government officials loved meat. And the person-in-charge of handling this issue with SETA was himself a huge meat lover. He couldn't imagine a society without any beef. He loved his steak the most, T-bone, Rib-eye, Sirloin, anything. But he was under immense pressure. What couldhe do? If SETA continued to put pressure like this, there would be no more beef in the country, or even the world! Many people would suffer, and many jobs would be lost as slaughterhouses closed down. He was at his wits' end.
While thinking about it in his office library, he stumbled upon a book about the founding history of a certain city state in the late 1800s. And all of a sudden, he had an idea. It was almost an eureka moment for him as he dashed out of his office to gather his colleagues and discussed his plan with them.
The next day, several people spotted a group of government officials bringing a huge and majestic looking bull into a building. However, they were not able to see what happened in the building as the door was quickly shut and there were no windows about. They just sighed to themselves as they believed that this was a group of desperate officials who had kidnapped a bull to satisfy their meat craving in these times of lack.
Nobody took much notice of what happened in that building, and people gradually forgot about it. The following week, everyone was surprised when the same group of government officials brought the bull out, as huge and majestic as before, but this time with a crown and a robe around it. It was one of the most bizarre sights anybody had ever seen in their lives. The officials led the bull straight to the supreme court and made an announcement in front of the judge.
"This bull here is the King of All Cattle, and he has decided to make an agreement with us humans."
The people who were at the scene were bewildered. Sure, this bull looked kingly enough, but since when was there a king of all cattle? Some were very skeptical.
"Where did this bull come from? How can you prove to us that this is the King of All Cattle?" a man in the crowd shouted in question.
Many people were gathering around the scene now, and it was getting rather chaotic. The judge asked everyone to quieten down.
"Well, well. The people are right. You have to prove that this bull is indeed the King of All Cattle before any sort of agreement can be made on behalf of all cattle with the humans," the judge said rather wisely. He was very much amused himself at what was happening. And he was a hardcore meat lover.
"Alright. Here's a document stating his lineage and his relations with all cattle. It is very clear that he is indeed the King of All Cattle," replied an official as he handed a piece of paper to the judge.
"Well well... this seems quite credible..." muttered the judge as he fingered the document that looked worn out and aged.
Some people from SETA arrived, and were extremely furious at what was happening.
"What is the meaning of this?! Since when has there been any form of lineage among cattle?! This is all a fraud!" they shouted in anger. Some of them tried to push through the crowd but were stopped by the guards.
"Well, I don't see any reason to doubt this document. It looks genuine enough. Why would anyone want to forge a document concerning the lineage of the King of All Cattle?" replied the judge, as he handed the document for keeping. "However, for the sake of fairness, I would like more proof from His Majesty the King, please."
"Of course," said the official coolly.
One of the officials standing near the bull whispered something into its ear, and all of a sudden, the bull perked its ears in attention. Everyone held their breath and their hearts skipped a beat. Then, as if it was the most normal thing in the world, the bull opened its mouth and said the following:
"I am the King of All Cattle. I represent all cattle here today to form a treaty with the humans."
Everyone present was shocked, and some were scared out of their wits and ran away in fear. There was a huge commotion in the crowd. The judge quickly recovered from his own surprise and took control of the situation.
"Well well... erhem, I guess that pretty much settles it. This bull is indeed the King of All Cattle," announced the judge. "So, what kind of treaty are you going to make with the humans, Your Majesty?"
Once again, an official whispered something into the ear of the bull and it perked up again.
"I have come to make an agreement that man can slaughter any number of cattle as long as they keep my species alive and in good number," said the bull.
A person from SETA, upon hearing this, was so outraged that he almost burst with anger on the spot, but he didn't. Instead, he shouted out in protest,
"This is utter bull shit! What kind of bull shit agreement is that?!"
The officials were now feeling rather bullish about the whole situation, and replied in confidence,
"Well, the King of All Cattle has spoken, how can you say this is... well, whatever you said it is?"
There was loud murmuring among the crowd and several people were dragged away by the guards. One of them being the person from SETA. The judge then quickly stepped in and announced:
"Well, since an agreement has been reached, I guess we should sign a contract regarding this agreement."
A contract was brought out, and the bull stamped its hoof on it, while the judge signed in acknowledgement of the contract. With that, a contract was formed between cattle and man, that all man can freely slaughter and eat cattle as long as they keep the species thriving.
Since that day, SETA could find no reason to fault the policy makers for allowing cattle to be slaughtered for food because of the contract. The policymaker was happy, the judge was happy, and plenty of jobs were saved.
No one knew where the King of All Cattle went after the contract signing in the supreme court.
Thursday, October 04, 2012
The man didn't believe
The man didn't believe that he would drink
Until the day his friend asked him out and be merry.
The man didn't believe that he would binge
Until the day his friend asked him out and be merry
And bought him a pint after he finished his own.
The man didn't believe that he would get drunk
Until the day his friend asked him out and be merry
And bought him a pint after he finished his own
And he wakes up next morning with a splitting headache.
The man didn't believe that getting drunk was a big deal
Until the day his friend asked him out and be merry
And bought him a pint after he finished his own
And he wakes up next morning with a splitting headache
And his wife and children are no longer at home anymore.
Tuesday, May 08, 2012
Missing
These nights, especially since after my exams are over for this semester, I've been staring at the ceiling while I am on my bed, and I will think. Often, on the ceiling I will see random dots of light as if the ceiling and the walls are filled with millions and millions of glow-in-the-dark ants that one could only see at night. I don't know what they are; I suppose they are some trickery my eyes are playing on me, but when I was younger, I truly thought they were glow-in-the-dark ants and I was truly afraid of them coming to crawl over me, because they really were all over the place.
These nights, as I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling and thinking, I've been thinking of and missing people. I've been missing my auntie and my cousin, both of whom passed away last year. It's been more than a year now, and most of us have moved on from the loss, but now and then, I still lie in this state of unbelief. I lie in a state of disbelief that my cousin and my aunt have gone, and will never come back.
I miss them. I truly do. Their going away seems to have created this void in my heart that retains a special shape that only their presence can fill. I imagine a parallel universe where they are still alive and we would talk to each other, and I would play MMORPGs with my cousin because he would have been cured of his partial blindness and he could see again.
I miss my cousin. I truly do. I truly truly miss him. His death has been the death that has affected me the most. It is at his funeral that I have ever shed the most tears for anyone no longer alive. I am usually not a crier at funerals, because I truly believe that they have left a suffering life and have gone on to be with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I don't know why, with all the cynicism I have towards religion, it is basic things like these that I still choose to believe in.
But I miss my cousin. I really do. I remember the world that he introduced me to. The world of fantasy and dragons and dungeons and games and anime and books. It was truly an amazing world, and one that really changed my life. It was my cousin who introduced me to and lent me his copy of Final Fantasy VII, and until today I am still a Final Fantasy fan, and my favorite of the series is still Final Fantasy VII. I am just glad that he is with God now, and no longer need to suffer the pain and suffering of this world, but still, I miss him very much.
I miss my aunt too. Now my uncle got to know this new girlfriend and she would sit next to him just the way my aunt used to do. But it's different. Not only is she different from my aunt in terms of character, I feel that she will never take the place of my aunt, ever, at least not in my aunt. I will never see and recognize her the way I see and recognize my aunt. My aunt is special, and no one can replace her. I believe that my uncle and my living cousin feels this too. It's just that sometimes it's important to move on, but moving does not mean forgetting those who have passed on.
I imagine that in a parallel universe, they are still alive. And we would sit round the dinner table and have crabs and what not, and we would talk about different things in our lives. My cousin and I would talk about some MMORPG or game that we are playing, and my aunt would ask me about how I am doing in school and what I want to do in the future and I would tell her that I am doing fine and that I planning to work in the government when I graduate. And she would tell me in chinese, "Oh, good, good." And then my cousin would give his comment about working in the government and what he feels about it. And then my uncle would grab a dish for my aunt and he would say a joke and we would all laugh, and then my aunt would hit him jokingly and say that he never grows up, and how his friends always call him εΌεΏζ (Happy Fruit).
When I get to Heaven one day, I wish that I can see them and hear them talk about how it has been like up in Heaven, and we spend all eternity having these nice and simple dinners together.
These nights, as I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling and thinking, I've been thinking of and missing people. I've been missing my auntie and my cousin, both of whom passed away last year. It's been more than a year now, and most of us have moved on from the loss, but now and then, I still lie in this state of unbelief. I lie in a state of disbelief that my cousin and my aunt have gone, and will never come back.
I miss them. I truly do. Their going away seems to have created this void in my heart that retains a special shape that only their presence can fill. I imagine a parallel universe where they are still alive and we would talk to each other, and I would play MMORPGs with my cousin because he would have been cured of his partial blindness and he could see again.
I miss my cousin. I truly do. I truly truly miss him. His death has been the death that has affected me the most. It is at his funeral that I have ever shed the most tears for anyone no longer alive. I am usually not a crier at funerals, because I truly believe that they have left a suffering life and have gone on to be with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I don't know why, with all the cynicism I have towards religion, it is basic things like these that I still choose to believe in.
But I miss my cousin. I really do. I remember the world that he introduced me to. The world of fantasy and dragons and dungeons and games and anime and books. It was truly an amazing world, and one that really changed my life. It was my cousin who introduced me to and lent me his copy of Final Fantasy VII, and until today I am still a Final Fantasy fan, and my favorite of the series is still Final Fantasy VII. I am just glad that he is with God now, and no longer need to suffer the pain and suffering of this world, but still, I miss him very much.
I miss my aunt too. Now my uncle got to know this new girlfriend and she would sit next to him just the way my aunt used to do. But it's different. Not only is she different from my aunt in terms of character, I feel that she will never take the place of my aunt, ever, at least not in my aunt. I will never see and recognize her the way I see and recognize my aunt. My aunt is special, and no one can replace her. I believe that my uncle and my living cousin feels this too. It's just that sometimes it's important to move on, but moving does not mean forgetting those who have passed on.
I imagine that in a parallel universe, they are still alive. And we would sit round the dinner table and have crabs and what not, and we would talk about different things in our lives. My cousin and I would talk about some MMORPG or game that we are playing, and my aunt would ask me about how I am doing in school and what I want to do in the future and I would tell her that I am doing fine and that I planning to work in the government when I graduate. And she would tell me in chinese, "Oh, good, good." And then my cousin would give his comment about working in the government and what he feels about it. And then my uncle would grab a dish for my aunt and he would say a joke and we would all laugh, and then my aunt would hit him jokingly and say that he never grows up, and how his friends always call him εΌεΏζ (Happy Fruit).
When I get to Heaven one day, I wish that I can see them and hear them talk about how it has been like up in Heaven, and we spend all eternity having these nice and simple dinners together.
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
Happiness
It seems to be widely believed that people who know they are going to die soon tend to lead happier, and more fulfilling lives.
Perhaps, if we live our lives thinking that there is a possibility of us breathing our last the next day... perhaps, then we will live our lives happy, because there is no longer any point in being unhappy.
Perhaps, if we live our lives thinking that there is a possibility of us breathing our last the next day... perhaps, then we will live our lives happy, because there is no longer any point in being unhappy.
From the battlefield
Hi everybody, it's been over three months. Does anybody miss the blogger me? I don't know who actually reads this blog now, but I still keep it because it holds a lot of memories for me. It's sort of like an autobiography, in a very weird sense. Blogger tells me that there are 19 people following the blog, but the thing is I don't know any of the 19. So, hi my 19 followers! Thank you for being interested in what I write, I really do hope to get to know you guys.
Anyway, why I am here? It's the middle of my exam period. Three papers down and two more to go. Not the best time to come blogging after a three months hiatus. But well, Blogger sent me an email saying that if I don't migrate over to some new system that they've got, they're gonna wipe out all my data. Hell, this blog's been around for almost 8 years now, I udon't want my data to get all wiped out. So yeah, I sort of did the migration thing and thought I might as well come and post something.
My life's been like a machine these days. Just running and running according to a sort of system. School, research, church, girlfriend, friends, family. I don't have much happening in my life. Just a lot of reading and writing, reading and writing. An occasional jog once in a while to get my mind off things, meeting my girlfriend for a nice meal or a simple movie in the house. That's about it.
Academia is slowly killing me. I'm so grade-oriented now that I am getting closer to graduation. And it doesn't help that I am a borderline first-class. Being that just puts so much pressure on me because I don't wanna spoil it right at the end of the race. It would really suck if over the next two semesters I drop back to being second-upper-class again. It would really really suck. And that's why I'm working my ass off to try and score as many As as possible, and that's not exactly a very easy thing to do. I'm not exactly very bright - I scored 18 points in my 'O' levels and in the 'A' levels, my grades were a horrible A, C, E. ACE, yeah I know the joke, but it wasn't a joke back in 2007. It was my future on the line. And it is only through God's grace that I somehow made it into university. And now I'm in university, it is through God's grace again that I'm on a run for first-class honours.
If there is anything that university has taught me, it is to bring me into focus. Focus on what I want for myself and the future, and then go for it. Never mind if I fall or fail, as long as I give it my best shot. The most important thing is to decide on what I want, and then go for it. It's like running a race. Back in the secondary school and JC days, I had no clue about what I want in the future. So I was just running aimlessly. And because of that, I didn't run very well. But now, I really can see the finishing line ahead of me. My dreams, my future. And I have to run for that. It's just two semesters now, and the run is becoming very tiring.
Research is confusing and difficult. Even after like nearly 7 months into the research, I only have a very small understanding of my research area. The topic is just so huge and deep, and the readings are really not easy to understand. But I try. It's all about trying now.
A few things that I'm looking forward to at this moment: the end of my exams, the arrival of some parcels that I ordered online, going for some epic movie screenings (Avengers, yes), and my summer internships.
Just can't wait.
Anyway, why I am here? It's the middle of my exam period. Three papers down and two more to go. Not the best time to come blogging after a three months hiatus. But well, Blogger sent me an email saying that if I don't migrate over to some new system that they've got, they're gonna wipe out all my data. Hell, this blog's been around for almost 8 years now, I udon't want my data to get all wiped out. So yeah, I sort of did the migration thing and thought I might as well come and post something.
My life's been like a machine these days. Just running and running according to a sort of system. School, research, church, girlfriend, friends, family. I don't have much happening in my life. Just a lot of reading and writing, reading and writing. An occasional jog once in a while to get my mind off things, meeting my girlfriend for a nice meal or a simple movie in the house. That's about it.
Academia is slowly killing me. I'm so grade-oriented now that I am getting closer to graduation. And it doesn't help that I am a borderline first-class. Being that just puts so much pressure on me because I don't wanna spoil it right at the end of the race. It would really suck if over the next two semesters I drop back to being second-upper-class again. It would really really suck. And that's why I'm working my ass off to try and score as many As as possible, and that's not exactly a very easy thing to do. I'm not exactly very bright - I scored 18 points in my 'O' levels and in the 'A' levels, my grades were a horrible A, C, E. ACE, yeah I know the joke, but it wasn't a joke back in 2007. It was my future on the line. And it is only through God's grace that I somehow made it into university. And now I'm in university, it is through God's grace again that I'm on a run for first-class honours.
If there is anything that university has taught me, it is to bring me into focus. Focus on what I want for myself and the future, and then go for it. Never mind if I fall or fail, as long as I give it my best shot. The most important thing is to decide on what I want, and then go for it. It's like running a race. Back in the secondary school and JC days, I had no clue about what I want in the future. So I was just running aimlessly. And because of that, I didn't run very well. But now, I really can see the finishing line ahead of me. My dreams, my future. And I have to run for that. It's just two semesters now, and the run is becoming very tiring.
Research is confusing and difficult. Even after like nearly 7 months into the research, I only have a very small understanding of my research area. The topic is just so huge and deep, and the readings are really not easy to understand. But I try. It's all about trying now.
A few things that I'm looking forward to at this moment: the end of my exams, the arrival of some parcels that I ordered online, going for some epic movie screenings (Avengers, yes), and my summer internships.
Just can't wait.
Monday, January 16, 2012
what makes us cry
"Italian critic Franco Moretti has argued, for example, that literature that makes
us cry operates via a special manipulation of temporality: what triggers our crying
is not just the sadness or suffering of the character in the story but a very precise
moment when characters in the story catch up with and realize what the audience
already knows. We cry, Moretti argues, not just because the characters do, but at
the precise moment when desire is finally recognized as futile. The release of
tension produces tears - which become a kind of homage to a happiness that is
kissed goodbye. Pathos is thus a surrender to reality but it is a surrender that pays
homage to the ideal that tried to wage war on it."
us cry operates via a special manipulation of temporality: what triggers our crying
is not just the sadness or suffering of the character in the story but a very precise
moment when characters in the story catch up with and realize what the audience
already knows. We cry, Moretti argues, not just because the characters do, but at
the precise moment when desire is finally recognized as futile. The release of
tension produces tears - which become a kind of homage to a happiness that is
kissed goodbye. Pathos is thus a surrender to reality but it is a surrender that pays
homage to the ideal that tried to wage war on it."
- Linda Williams, "Film Bodies: Gender, Genre, and Excess"
Friday, January 06, 2012
a trip that spanned across two years
Happy New Year everybody!
Holidays are coming to an end for me, school is going to start in another 2 days time and I just returned from the land of Vietnam.
The countdown to 2012 was done in Vietnam, proving to be the first time I did a countdown in a foreign country, and it was pretty interesting experience (I can't put a finger down on whether it was surreal, but it might have been). I wrote previously about the concept of time and how it feels so real and yet so unreal - that was exactly how I felt when I was in Hanoi counting down to 2012 with 90% Vietnamese and 10% foreigners; I was pretty sure there were plenty of Singaporeans with me as well, at least, there were three other Singaporeans with me for sure.
The time zone in Vietnam is GMT +7, while in Singapore it is GMT +8, so technically we were an hour behind everyone in Singapore while we were up north. It was 11pm in Vietnam when everyone in Singapore reached 2012, and in a weird and small way, I felt it was 2012 too. Because deep down in my heart, even when I was in Hanoi, I felt and I knew I was a Singaporean. It is so hard to think of oneself as a local when you are in Hanoi, unlike a city such as Taipei where the language is not an issue. It felt as if everyone in Singapore has gone on ahead without us, to a 2012 that we were still an hour away.
But then, when the countdown began in Hanoi's city center next to the Hoan Kiem Lake and the sparklers started burning (there were no fireworks, which proved to be a disappointment; I wonder if I have gotten too used to fireworks back at home), I felt a sense of connection, like the New Year is the same for everyone. Everyone becomes delighted at the New Year, though for what reasons I do not exactly know. It is just the act of counting down together, dancing and singing on the streets that somehow connected us together.
And this, in a small way, brought us connection back to everyone in Singapore.
-------------
Vietnam surprised me. And I surprised myself.
I suppose I could sum the trip up like that; although it does not do justice to sum anything that lasted 6 days into 7 words.
To be frank, I wasn't that excited before I touched down in the country. It was a country that I never thought I was going to visit, the language is unfamiliar to me, I don't know what I was looking forward to in a country such as Vietnam, in a city such as Hanoi. There isn't much to do anyway in a city where its main attractions are a lake, a mausoleum and museums. Of course, you can always top this up with pubbing, which technically can be found in any city. Halong Bay, with its status as a UNESCO Heritage Site, didn't really excite me either. I'm not really a sucker for beautiful landscapes anyway, and a thousand similar rock outcrops didn't sound like a prospect.
And for such low expectations, Vietnam certainly didn't disappoint. In fact, she surprised me. Sure, there really wasn't much to do in Hanoi. Halong Bay didn't have anything more than just rocky outcrops and mountains and caves. However, it was the Vietnamese people who captured my heart while I was there.
Our trip was divided technically into three parts: city tour of Hanoi, nature tour of Halong Bay, and a closing tour in Hanoi.
In the city tour, we went museum touring, looked at Ho Chi Ming's body in the mausoleum, did a count down, walked around the lake, shopped and ate. Shopping isn't too bad; I'm not much of a shopper but I found myself buying the most out of the four of us who were there in the first three days. I bought a beanie, and then a T-shirt, and then a sling bag. The sling bag was probably the only cultural Vietnamese item that I bought for myself, and it was my favourite buy.
We were, of course, scammed while we were in Hanoi. I wouldn't say SCAMMED really, but it was more like we were overcharged for things that we paid for. It was not unexpected. In Vietnam, you have a 99% chance of being scammed/overcharged the moment you open your mouth and speak in English, even if you are Asian and look pretty much like a Vietnamese. The only way to lower the chances of being overcharged is to speak their language.
It was the same feeling in Halong Bay - the feeling of being exploited and overcharged for something that is worth only a little. The food wasn't that fantastic on the tour (sometimes it was bland), drinks were not included and the tour wasn't that organised anyway. We went trekking and the guide wasn't even with us, which might be a good thing because it made the experience more exciting and adventurous. We went for a massage and it really wasn't that great anyway.
However, there was one thing that redeemed the trip for me, and in a way, changed me - the people.
Sure, they may be exploiting us because we couldn't speak Vietnamese. They may be overcharging us because we don't know what the hell was going on. But then, they were just making a living. Besides, its not like they were really scamming us. They are just charging a higher price than usual. Vietnamese are poor people, way poorer than Singaporeans, and that extra US$2 could have meant a lot to them. It could have gotten them a good meal for once, while to me, S$3 could just have gotten a plate of chicken rice.
It isn't much, when you think about it. When I got to see the smiles on the faces of the people, I really began to feel so happy. Vietnamese aren't bad people, they are just poor. And it takes so little just to bless them, and I don't see why I shouldn't.
When we finally got back to Hanoi from Halong Bay on the last day of our trip, I began to see Vietnam in a different light. They were nice people.
It's so easy to see them as horrible who are just out to scam us when we are with other tourists, especially those from the West. It's so easy to just feel horrible about the trip and think that Vietnam sucks when we keep complaining and busking ourselves in complaints and more complaints.
In Hanoi, as I began to look at the locals differently, I somehow managed to see that they aren't as bad as others might say they are. It became easier to shop when bargaining isn't just to bring the price lower, but to also interact with the locals in a more fun and meaningful way.
I suppose the one most memorable moment for me, was when I was sold a pack of snacks for 50000 Dong. It sure wasn't worth that much, and I could guess as much as I interacted with those who sold me that packet of snacks. The one selling was an old lady, and there were like two or three other younger Vietnamese with her too. The old lady couldn't speak English, so the other Vietnamese were translating for her (she was just peddling the snacks, and it just so happens that we were at a shop where the younger Vietnamese were). They were laughing to each other as I paid up the 50000 Dong, which sort of means I have been made a fool of, and so was the old lady. However, for the old lady, her laugh wasn't just because I have paid 50000 Dong for snacks, but because she managed to make so much money, she could probably enjoy a a better meal for once.
50000 Dong is only S$3. It wasn't a big deal for me and S$3 was worth it to make somebody's day.
For what I expected from Vietnam, I was really surprised - both by the people, and by how I changed my attitude to them.
-------------
I didn't believe anyone who told me that I looked like a Vietnamese, until a Vietnamese told me the same.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
you can only do so many things at once
Multitasking - that is one skill which I have never had the chance to master, and probably never will. Some people find it easy, while others like me, find that it is the most difficult thing (or things) to manage.
No I am not talking about having to drive while talking on the phone and eat breakfast in the car at the same time. I am talking about a more macro version of multitasking: to commit to many things at a point in one's life.
This is my theory: every person can only ideally commit himself (or herself, but there is a theory that says females can multitask better) to a maximum of four commitments at any point in his life. Having more than four means that he will not be able to perform his best in any of these because his resources (time and energy) cannot be focused on an optimum level.
I do acknowledge that this may be different for different individuals because every person's energy levels might be different, but the amount of time given is constant, and the results can only vary so much.
Commitment comes in a variety of forms, but it's basically very simple. As long as a certain something demands that you commit a certain amount of time to it, it is a commitment. And the most common commitments are:
- School/Work (including Part Time Jobs)
- Boyfriend/Girlfriend
- Religion (usually Christianity)
- CCAs
- Some relationships (such as family or friends)
The list, of course, is not exhaustive.
Because it is my theory, and because I have developed it from my own life, it is not difficult to understand that I try my best to stick to just four commitments in my life. And they were: School, Girlfriend, Religion, CCA (Canoeing).
For me, friendships hold a very special position. Because for me the commitment of friendships, it is interesting to note, is shared among the four commitments in my life. This means that I maintain my friendships within the context of these commitments. While this may not be applicable to every person, it is perhaps safe to say that this applies to most persons. Friendships are maintained along the context of work, school, or religion. And this is why people classify their friends into "school friends", "work friends", or "church friends". (this warrants an entire article about having "spheres" in our lives, so I shall not dwell on it) So when I say "Some relationships" as one of the commitments that people engage in, I am referring to friendships beyond these spheres.
_________________________________________________________________
It is then time for an announcement.
I have only recently withdrawn from my CCA, Canoeing, because of a new commitment at this point in time. Yes I am no longer a canoeist, and I am sad about this because I have recently found much passion in the sport, and I made the decision to withdraw only after much deliberation.
In it's place as a commitment, is a research project under NTU's URECA programme with my film theory professor.
Initially, I was planning to forgo this research opportunity and continue with the team because I had no interest in post-graduate studies or even in joining the academia when I graduate. But after some discussions with friends and a good deal of reflection, I decided that this was the chance for me to carefully consider and see for myself whether academic research is something that interests me or not. Also, such an opportunity does not knock all the time, and I felt that it would be such a waste if I just let it go.
It was therefore with a heavy heart when I told my captain that I have decided to withdraw from the team because of academic commitments. I could have stayed on, but I decided not to because I did not want to discourage the team by my absence or even put a strain on the resources of the team when I am not giving my best.
So, I have effectively transformed from a canoeist to a research assistant (or more glamorously, "NTU President Research Scholar", as the programme calls it).
God really likes pushing me in areas where I have never considered before. I remember in 2004, I have never considered JC as an option for post-secondary education. I chose a polytechnic, but was sent to a junior college instead. I didn't think I would like to do English Literature when I was in secondary school or even junior college, but I ended up doing English Literature in university. I have never thought I would be doing academic research, and now I am in a programme meant for grooming academic research scholars.
Let's see where God is bringing me to this time.
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
In Decisions
Alright, long hiatus from blogging. Totally couldn't find the time to do it. Besides that, I guess most of my writing energy went into my internship anyway, if there is such a thing. The internship is over now, so if you are wondering where all those writing went, it's all here: www.hometeam.sg
Let me start off this post with two facts of life.
Fact of life 1: We all hate making decisions.
Seriously. I hate making decisions. The most decisive person hates making decisions too. We all hate to choose, admit that. If I could have my say, I would want everything in the world, so I don't have to choose which ones I can have and which ones I can't. Because choosing something means giving up another.
If I wanna go travelling, what's the best thing to do? Go travel to every single goddamn country on this planet, and maybe discover some new ones in the process of course. Why bother to choose whether I wanna go to Paris or America, or China or Japan? Just say, I wanna f-ing travel. And travel everywhere.
And what's the best transport you can ever dream of? Of course it's a luxury car, that looks and functions like a sports car, that can also travel on the sea or even under water like a submarine, not to forget that it can also transform itself to fly too, probably even turn into a space shuttle, and if the situation arises, can travel on a railroad like a train as well. Oh yes, an all-in-one car. Who wouldn't want that? Now we don't even need to choose between taking a cruise or a plane to our next holiday destination while we are on the above mentioned around-the-world trip.
Oh, how about the perfect boyfriend? Can't choose between this guy or that guy? (I know I am being gender biased here, but please, I don't need to write this twice, so I'll write for the girls because ladies come first) Of course you can't. What you want is someone who is good looking, kind, rich, witty, honest, sporty, intelligent, bookish, muscular, not overbearingly manly, someone who can read you poetry, do your laundry, fix your house lighting or plumbing, cunning sometimes, and whatever else a guy should have. You want all the qualities the a guy might have packed into one. That'll be wonderful isn't it.
Or the perfect child? Of course you want your child to have a 'holistic' development. And this includes wanting him to learn music, dancing, art, sports, history, math, languages, science and every single thing that a human being invented for the betterment of the mind. Your child has to know every f- thing and probably even write an encyclopedia off his mind.
Fact of life 2: We can't have everything in life.
And what does this mean? This means that we have to choose. Yes, whether you like it or not, we as humans need to make decisions and choices in our lives. It is ultimately inevitable to choose one thing over the other because we can't have everything we want in the world.
We only get 24 hours a day, and we have finite number of days to live. Some has more, some has less. But it's finite. This means that one day, we are going to die, and when we die, we stop getting the things we want. So there are definitely some things that we have to give up along the way.
Length of our life is one thing, opportunity is another. Some opportunities just simply clash with each other. It's about the timing. For example, I had to choose between an internship with Singapore Press Holdings or the Ministry of Home Affairs. I wanted both, because I see value in both internship opportunities, but I could only choose one as they offer themselves in a time period that clashes with each other. And in the end I chose the Ministry of Home Affairs, because of an interest to be involved in the ministry after graduation.
Another thing that we cannot avoid: the capacity for us to do only one thing at a time. I'm not talking about multi-tasking here. I'm talking about choosing the next course in our lives. Do I go for a post-graduate course or do I spend the time building my career? Do I get attached now or enjoy singlehood for the next few years? These things involves choices and decisions. I can't do a post-graduate course and build my career at the same time (well, you technically can... but it's a little different), and I can't be attached and enjoy singlehood at the same time. To be attached means to give up singlehood, and to be single means to give up being attached.
Conclusion?
We have to choose, whether you like it or not. I remember writing an article many years ago about 'choice'. I said that we make a choice every single day and second. We make choices in what we wear, what we say, what we do. Even if we decide not to make a choice, we have CHOSEN not to make a choice, which is a choice in itself.
This time round, I am talking about choosing what you want in your life. Bigger choices, choices that we have to make deliberately. And we can't just don't choose, because that will bring us nowhere. So here's the thing, make your decisions early. Decisive people get a head start, because they know what they want and they start to build towards it early on in the race. Making a big decision like life choices is a long and tedious process. It doesn't mean that you can get what you want simply because you make a decision to want it. From the decision, you still need to work towards this aim that you have. So early decision makers actually get a head start from the rest.
I do not mean that you make a decision hastily. But do not postpone something unnecessarily. Even if at the end of the day, you decide to change your original decision, it will still be alright. For example, if you decide that you want to work in this particular firm in the future, and you begin to build your portfolio and skills towards this target, and then you decide somewhere down the road that you do not wish to go ahead with this plan anymore, know that the portfolio you have built and the skills that you attained will not go to waste. These things remain with you. What will really go to waste is if you do not decide on anything, and spent the time doing things really does not help you accomplish much.
So really, just some food for thought. Chew on it and let me know what you think. It is late, and I shall sign off.
Ciao.
Sunday, July 03, 2011
SHINGLES
I'm down with shingles.
Actually, that is outdated information. But then again, it is not.
I am still down with shingles, but I got shingles a week ago. To be exact, last Monday.
But then again (again), Monday is when I was diagnosed with shingles. The real date that the virus came haunting is probably 2 Wednesdays ago. That, I cannot be exact.
So yes, I was down with shingles, and I am still down with shingles, and I am not sure if I will still be down with shingles come tomorrow when I visit the doctor at the Communicable Disease Centre (CDC) for a check-up.
The doctor, some specialist I suppose, will determine if I will turn people into zombies when I go out into the streets. (Which is quite ironic, because I have to go out into the streets to see him anyway. Which reminds me, I was still in the street when I left the hospital after being diagnosed. I guess the policy is "as long as I don't infect anybody that I know, that's fine")
Oh yes, it's a virus infection. Yes it is infectious. Or contagious, or communicable. Pick your word. Meaning, it's like what happens in "LEFT 4 DEAD", people will get infected if they aren't immune to the virus and if they get into contact with me. Except this time, they won't turn into brain eating zombies.
So how do you become immune to the virus? Simple enough, you just need to be immune to chicken pox. This virus is the same one that gives people chicken pox. After I got chicken pox like more than 10 years ago, the virus hid itself in my nerves and waited.
It's a very patient virus, because it waited over 10 years before it decides to come out and strike again. Simply put, this is what causes shingles. That's the layman version.
To make it even more layman, I called the condition chicken pox V2.
Many doctors will disagree with me.
So, back to 3 paragraphs ago. How can you be immune to chicken pox (V1)? 2 ways. You need to get it before. Or you need to get a chicken pox vaccine (which is essentially a mild version of the virus itself to let your immune system to create a blueprint for a defensive system).
So once you are protected against V1, you won't be vulnerable to V2. Apparently, V2 only comes after V1. So you won't get V2 from me right out of the oven.
Anyway. Yes. Back to wherever I was. I am down with shingles. And I have been given seven days of medical leave. Yes, seven full days. One entire oh-my-god week. It's a boon because I get to rest and sleep in and not have to think about my work for a week. It's a bane because I got confined in the house and cannot see anybody other than my family members for seven full days. This includes my girlfriend, whom I dearly miss.
Yes, that's the biggest bane for me. When I first realised that I was given seven days of medical leave, I was delighted. I thought I could finally spend some time with my girlfriend. Indeed, I haven't been able to spend much time with her because of work, and this I thought was the perfect opportunity.
But when I told her the news and what my condition entailed, she let me know that she was not infected with chicken pox before. My heart sank. This meant that I would not be able to see her until I fully recover and certified clear. This meant that I would not be able to see her for one week, which probably is the longest time we've not seen each other in almost a year (yes, next week is our anniversary, congratulate us).
I am shocked, because I always thought chicken pox was a very common virus (not as common as flu, but you know what I mean). Apparently it is not. Almost all the friends that I spoke, whom I thought could spend some time with me, all did not have chicken pox before. So, I guess I was wrong.
So one week. Seven days. What have I done in seven days. Seven full days being cooped up in a 4 room HDB flat in Choa Chu Kang. Two words: not much.
I spent about three days gaming. Just gaming and gaming and gaming, because I haven't gotten much of a chance to game ever since I started work. So this is payback time. I finished "Front Mission Evolved", which is a game about robots and finished the storyline, as well as getting myself the best upgrades for my robot. The game isn't too bad. Graphics is all right (it's PS3, by the way), gameplay is pretty cool, but storyline sucks. Storyline sucks bad. I could have written a better ending for the game. But I shall not dwell on that. I proceeded to play my MMORPG, Lord of the Rings Online, which I cannot finish. Edgaros (my character), did manage to gain two levels though. He's level 56 now. I also got him a new sword and a new belt. Hurrah.
Alright. I spent another day playing this iPhone game called Tiny Tower. Basically, I've got too much time to spare. And I sympathised with the Bitizens (Bitizens are people who live in the tower. They are called as such because they are very pixelised and they are just BITs of data on the screen. Very cruel) because they are cooped up in the tower like me. So I do my best to give them their dream jobs. This made them happy. Now many of them have happy faces because they are working in their dream jobs. I've got quite a lot of services in my tower, and they are: bank, health club, volleyball club, aquarium, photo studio, pottery studio, book store, diner, pizza place. Of course there residential levels for the Bitizens to stay as well. The tower is currently 18 floors high, with one retail store being built.
But of course I didn't spend the whole day playing that game. I may be bored, but not that bored. I spent one half of the day playing and the second half reading. I am reading this book Labyrinth by Borges, which is given to me as a birthday present last year by my girlfriend. I finished four short stories: "Funes the Memorious", "The Shape of the Sword", "Theme of the Traitor and the Hero", and "Death and the Compass". I loved all of Borges' short stories, especially "The Shape of the Sword" and "Theme of the Traitor and the Hero". I just love the way Borges weaves "story-telling" into his stories and still manages to add a pinch (sometimes more than a pinch) of philosophy into the mixture. It really shows how well he knows his narrative, and even "narration" itself. Some stories just mindfuck you while some just blows you away while some just makes you think.
I'm not that great a book reviewer, but do take a read if you've got the time.
And in the last two days of the week, my sister introduced me to this Hong Kong drama series called δΈζεθ‘. Not sure if it's a soap opera (ST says it is) but it's really really very exciting and engaging. The story goes like this: 10 years ago, Hei got accused for murder, and the one who testified against him was his own cousin, Yin. He was sentenced to 13 years in prison and got released 10 years later. The story takes place in the present. Hei, after being released, determines that Yin was the real murderer and decides to open the case again. But how can he do it? Who will trust him? He works for Yin's company in order to gain his trust. It's a show about acting and deceiving. Who's acting? Who's not? Who's a better actor than the other? Who's going to be hurt in the process? Will Yin finally get his punishment? It's all part of the show, so no spoilers here.
Actually, that is outdated information. But then again, it is not.
I am still down with shingles, but I got shingles a week ago. To be exact, last Monday.
But then again (again), Monday is when I was diagnosed with shingles. The real date that the virus came haunting is probably 2 Wednesdays ago. That, I cannot be exact.
So yes, I was down with shingles, and I am still down with shingles, and I am not sure if I will still be down with shingles come tomorrow when I visit the doctor at the Communicable Disease Centre (CDC) for a check-up.
The doctor, some specialist I suppose, will determine if I will turn people into zombies when I go out into the streets. (Which is quite ironic, because I have to go out into the streets to see him anyway. Which reminds me, I was still in the street when I left the hospital after being diagnosed. I guess the policy is "as long as I don't infect anybody that I know, that's fine")
Oh yes, it's a virus infection. Yes it is infectious. Or contagious, or communicable. Pick your word. Meaning, it's like what happens in "LEFT 4 DEAD", people will get infected if they aren't immune to the virus and if they get into contact with me. Except this time, they won't turn into brain eating zombies.
So how do you become immune to the virus? Simple enough, you just need to be immune to chicken pox. This virus is the same one that gives people chicken pox. After I got chicken pox like more than 10 years ago, the virus hid itself in my nerves and waited.
It's a very patient virus, because it waited over 10 years before it decides to come out and strike again. Simply put, this is what causes shingles. That's the layman version.
To make it even more layman, I called the condition chicken pox V2.
Many doctors will disagree with me.
So, back to 3 paragraphs ago. How can you be immune to chicken pox (V1)? 2 ways. You need to get it before. Or you need to get a chicken pox vaccine (which is essentially a mild version of the virus itself to let your immune system to create a blueprint for a defensive system).
So once you are protected against V1, you won't be vulnerable to V2. Apparently, V2 only comes after V1. So you won't get V2 from me right out of the oven.
Anyway. Yes. Back to wherever I was. I am down with shingles. And I have been given seven days of medical leave. Yes, seven full days. One entire oh-my-god week. It's a boon because I get to rest and sleep in and not have to think about my work for a week. It's a bane because I got confined in the house and cannot see anybody other than my family members for seven full days. This includes my girlfriend, whom I dearly miss.
Yes, that's the biggest bane for me. When I first realised that I was given seven days of medical leave, I was delighted. I thought I could finally spend some time with my girlfriend. Indeed, I haven't been able to spend much time with her because of work, and this I thought was the perfect opportunity.
But when I told her the news and what my condition entailed, she let me know that she was not infected with chicken pox before. My heart sank. This meant that I would not be able to see her until I fully recover and certified clear. This meant that I would not be able to see her for one week, which probably is the longest time we've not seen each other in almost a year (yes, next week is our anniversary, congratulate us).
I am shocked, because I always thought chicken pox was a very common virus (not as common as flu, but you know what I mean). Apparently it is not. Almost all the friends that I spoke, whom I thought could spend some time with me, all did not have chicken pox before. So, I guess I was wrong.
So one week. Seven days. What have I done in seven days. Seven full days being cooped up in a 4 room HDB flat in Choa Chu Kang. Two words: not much.
I spent about three days gaming. Just gaming and gaming and gaming, because I haven't gotten much of a chance to game ever since I started work. So this is payback time. I finished "Front Mission Evolved", which is a game about robots and finished the storyline, as well as getting myself the best upgrades for my robot. The game isn't too bad. Graphics is all right (it's PS3, by the way), gameplay is pretty cool, but storyline sucks. Storyline sucks bad. I could have written a better ending for the game. But I shall not dwell on that. I proceeded to play my MMORPG, Lord of the Rings Online, which I cannot finish. Edgaros (my character), did manage to gain two levels though. He's level 56 now. I also got him a new sword and a new belt. Hurrah.
Alright. I spent another day playing this iPhone game called Tiny Tower. Basically, I've got too much time to spare. And I sympathised with the Bitizens (Bitizens are people who live in the tower. They are called as such because they are very pixelised and they are just BITs of data on the screen. Very cruel) because they are cooped up in the tower like me. So I do my best to give them their dream jobs. This made them happy. Now many of them have happy faces because they are working in their dream jobs. I've got quite a lot of services in my tower, and they are: bank, health club, volleyball club, aquarium, photo studio, pottery studio, book store, diner, pizza place. Of course there residential levels for the Bitizens to stay as well. The tower is currently 18 floors high, with one retail store being built.
But of course I didn't spend the whole day playing that game. I may be bored, but not that bored. I spent one half of the day playing and the second half reading. I am reading this book Labyrinth by Borges, which is given to me as a birthday present last year by my girlfriend. I finished four short stories: "Funes the Memorious", "The Shape of the Sword", "Theme of the Traitor and the Hero", and "Death and the Compass". I loved all of Borges' short stories, especially "The Shape of the Sword" and "Theme of the Traitor and the Hero". I just love the way Borges weaves "story-telling" into his stories and still manages to add a pinch (sometimes more than a pinch) of philosophy into the mixture. It really shows how well he knows his narrative, and even "narration" itself. Some stories just mindfuck you while some just blows you away while some just makes you think.
I'm not that great a book reviewer, but do take a read if you've got the time.
And in the last two days of the week, my sister introduced me to this Hong Kong drama series called δΈζεθ‘. Not sure if it's a soap opera (ST says it is) but it's really really very exciting and engaging. The story goes like this: 10 years ago, Hei got accused for murder, and the one who testified against him was his own cousin, Yin. He was sentenced to 13 years in prison and got released 10 years later. The story takes place in the present. Hei, after being released, determines that Yin was the real murderer and decides to open the case again. But how can he do it? Who will trust him? He works for Yin's company in order to gain his trust. It's a show about acting and deceiving. Who's acting? Who's not? Who's a better actor than the other? Who's going to be hurt in the process? Will Yin finally get his punishment? It's all part of the show, so no spoilers here.
I finished the series in two days.
This is the last day of my medical leave. I'll be going for a clearance check-up tomorrow and once I am clear, I will have to go straight to work. I guess seven days break is really more than enough for me.
This is the last day of my medical leave. I'll be going for a clearance check-up tomorrow and once I am clear, I will have to go straight to work. I guess seven days break is really more than enough for me.
Monday, June 06, 2011
This is the day, this is the day...
It’s been… well, I don’t know how long it has been. It’s been awhile. That’s for sure. I’ve been held up with life. Yes, just life. Living. Doing things and being busy.
Exams were over more than two weeks ago. I celebrated my birthday about two weeks ago. I used up the left over four days of my summer to do I-can’t-remember-what except to eat and to spend my birthday with my girlfriend. I am into the third week of my internship.
I must say, I’ve not had a REAL birthday celebration with someone special in my life. This is a first for me. When I was younger, it’s either we broke up before my birthday, got together after my birthday, or we were simply in school during my birthday. I just never got to celebrate. So I must say I am really happy this year for my 23rd. So here’s a shout out: THANK YOU LOVE FOR THE WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY PLANNED FOR ME. :D
The day after my birthday, I had to report for work. This is the third week of the internship and to say frankly, I haven’t had much to do. Been to a few events, helped with some photo-taking, but I haven’t really gotten down to much writing. Wrote some articles, but they are yet to be published. I’m getting restless.
I miss my life. I miss chilling out and doing nothing and just lazing around in the house. I miss just gaming for an entire day or just simply do whatever I like. I miss sleeping late and waking late and seeing that the world has already moved on and I’m just left behind in my own little space. I miss being by myself in my own space doing my own things.
I wonder how my results will be like. For the first time since I was matriculated, I’m having this ‘good feeling’ about the results. I’m not sure if this is the first time I’ve felt this in my life, but if I did, they usually end up in some form of disappointment.
I hate to have this ‘good feeling’. I hate it because it has such a high potential of setting up for the greatest disappointment you can ever feel. The greater the ‘good feeling’, the greater the disappointment. And it doesn’t even help one bit to make the final excitement better. It just sets you up for a possible disappointment and it’s unavoidable.
I’ve finally gotten a PS3 after a year of deciding if I should. I don’t play on it much though, because I simply cannot find the time to. It’s not the job. It really is the church. Just last week alone, I spent 4 out of 5 weekday nights doing church work or being at church.
I spoke to my sister recently about coming back to church (she stopped coming some time back), and she told me that she cannot take how the church just takes up so much of her (our) time. I agreed.
In case you are wondering, Evangel just happens to be a church that is very time- demanding. Some of my friends have left for the greener grass on the other side, and from what I am hearing, the people there enjoy a much more relaxed time. They enjoy worshipping God and coming to church. It’s not an obligation for them. And I don’t know why it is for me (us).
There are no quick fixes in this world, not even Jesus the Christ my Lord and Saviour Almighty Healer and Forgiver and Lamb and Son of the Great Almighty Omniscient Omnipotent Omnipresent God my Heavenly Father.
This is a problem. So many people come to church looking for a quick fix. Like, I come to church and I accept Jesus Christ as my saviour and I say Amen and I am saved and life is gonna be good and normal and just the way I want it. I am going to be holy and pure and Christian because I said the sinner’s prayer and I eat holy communion once every month and sing worship songs and I pray and I read the bible and I go for devotion and bible study and prayer groups and I reach out to people and teach them about Christ and I get a badge for the most number of souls saved.
Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you.
Christianity and the church are not quick fixes. Everyone in the church is broken. Of course you may want to say there are those more broken than others, but the truth remain that everybody is broken. Spoilt in some warped sense. Everyone has a dark little secret, something that they cannot share with other people, something that they struggle with themselves and cry every time they think about it and compare it with the kind of limitless grace God provides.
I cry a lot when I worship or when I pray. And I hate to do that. I cry only when I think of some crappy thing that I’ve done and I think of how much God grace I require from God. It’s a sense of shame that I feel, not a sense of holiness.
I am as broken as anybody else and righteousness only breaks me more.
Charlie went up Candy Mountain because his friends asked him to. He was knocked out and found that a kidney was stolen from him.
He followed his friends again under the sea and was again knocked out and his other kidney stolen.
In the end, he found his kidneys hanging on the Christmas tree.
Nyan Cat is a cat that nyans. Its body is made of poptart and all it does is cruise through space aimlessly/carelessly.
It goes nyan nyan nyan and creates rainbow in it’s path.
Neptune didn’t take it too well that Pluto was removed from the solar system.
Dwarf planet. What does that make me now?
Pluto always complained of being last in the list, and now he is the first on another.
At 2300HRS, you are to commence operation code Delta Charlie Boy Boy at location 012238 Michael. Make sure that you have with you everything on list no. 382710 and that you have prepared accordingly to standard operating procedure no. 8732085. You must understand that according Military Act no. 145 Chapter 2009 Section 49087 Paragraph U, you are required to respond and act only according to the protocol no. 31152. Do you understand, S7398234A?
If a tree falls in the forest and somebody is there, he would hear it and know that the tree has fallen and that there was indeed a tree.
But if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it fall, did the tree really fall or was there indeed a tree?
Yes it did really fall and there would indeed be a tree because God would be there to see it.
I cannot trust myself anymore. I have discovered that I am a product of ideology and brain washing and systems and societal moulding and I do not trust myself anymore. Everything we say or act is a result of the kind of culture that we are exposed to or the kinds of things that we read. It’s not even about exposure anymore. I don’t care if I’ve been to America or North Korea or Japan to be exposed to their culture. Because every single culture that I’m exposed to only add another layer to this ideological product that I am.
I cannot trust myself anymore and there is no escaping this. I do not know who I am and I cannot find any identity in the being that I have become and already am. We laugh at people who simply accept the system that they are presented and we call them under-exposed, immature, unintelligent, not well-read, don’t have their own mindset, brainwashed. But we do not realize that we, us, ourselves, are equally brainwashed into a culture that looks at others as brainwashed.
I am only just a multiple cell organism that has decided that I want to see what it’s like to think. Is it my brain that’s doing the thinking? Or is it my nerves? Or is it me? Or am I just a cell in the body that operates the entire body?
Ray is a cell. He is a single cell organism that has been misread. He didn’t evolve, he didn’t combine with other cells. He has all along been a single cell organism who just simply collected other cells to control them.
These other cells are called “body”. As a sort of collective term. People mistake this body as Ray. But really, Ray is just a single cell organism. And he forgot he is.
Exams were over more than two weeks ago. I celebrated my birthday about two weeks ago. I used up the left over four days of my summer to do I-can’t-remember-what except to eat and to spend my birthday with my girlfriend. I am into the third week of my internship.
I must say, I’ve not had a REAL birthday celebration with someone special in my life. This is a first for me. When I was younger, it’s either we broke up before my birthday, got together after my birthday, or we were simply in school during my birthday. I just never got to celebrate. So I must say I am really happy this year for my 23rd. So here’s a shout out: THANK YOU LOVE FOR THE WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY PLANNED FOR ME. :D
The day after my birthday, I had to report for work. This is the third week of the internship and to say frankly, I haven’t had much to do. Been to a few events, helped with some photo-taking, but I haven’t really gotten down to much writing. Wrote some articles, but they are yet to be published. I’m getting restless.
I miss my life. I miss chilling out and doing nothing and just lazing around in the house. I miss just gaming for an entire day or just simply do whatever I like. I miss sleeping late and waking late and seeing that the world has already moved on and I’m just left behind in my own little space. I miss being by myself in my own space doing my own things.
*
I wonder how my results will be like. For the first time since I was matriculated, I’m having this ‘good feeling’ about the results. I’m not sure if this is the first time I’ve felt this in my life, but if I did, they usually end up in some form of disappointment.
I hate to have this ‘good feeling’. I hate it because it has such a high potential of setting up for the greatest disappointment you can ever feel. The greater the ‘good feeling’, the greater the disappointment. And it doesn’t even help one bit to make the final excitement better. It just sets you up for a possible disappointment and it’s unavoidable.
*
I’ve finally gotten a PS3 after a year of deciding if I should. I don’t play on it much though, because I simply cannot find the time to. It’s not the job. It really is the church. Just last week alone, I spent 4 out of 5 weekday nights doing church work or being at church.
I spoke to my sister recently about coming back to church (she stopped coming some time back), and she told me that she cannot take how the church just takes up so much of her (our) time. I agreed.
In case you are wondering, Evangel just happens to be a church that is very time- demanding. Some of my friends have left for the greener grass on the other side, and from what I am hearing, the people there enjoy a much more relaxed time. They enjoy worshipping God and coming to church. It’s not an obligation for them. And I don’t know why it is for me (us).
*
There are no quick fixes in this world, not even Jesus the Christ my Lord and Saviour Almighty Healer and Forgiver and Lamb and Son of the Great Almighty Omniscient Omnipotent Omnipresent God my Heavenly Father.
This is a problem. So many people come to church looking for a quick fix. Like, I come to church and I accept Jesus Christ as my saviour and I say Amen and I am saved and life is gonna be good and normal and just the way I want it. I am going to be holy and pure and Christian because I said the sinner’s prayer and I eat holy communion once every month and sing worship songs and I pray and I read the bible and I go for devotion and bible study and prayer groups and I reach out to people and teach them about Christ and I get a badge for the most number of souls saved.
Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you.
Christianity and the church are not quick fixes. Everyone in the church is broken. Of course you may want to say there are those more broken than others, but the truth remain that everybody is broken. Spoilt in some warped sense. Everyone has a dark little secret, something that they cannot share with other people, something that they struggle with themselves and cry every time they think about it and compare it with the kind of limitless grace God provides.
I cry a lot when I worship or when I pray. And I hate to do that. I cry only when I think of some crappy thing that I’ve done and I think of how much God grace I require from God. It’s a sense of shame that I feel, not a sense of holiness.
I am as broken as anybody else and righteousness only breaks me more.
*
Charlie went up Candy Mountain because his friends asked him to. He was knocked out and found that a kidney was stolen from him.
He followed his friends again under the sea and was again knocked out and his other kidney stolen.
In the end, he found his kidneys hanging on the Christmas tree.
*
Nyan Cat is a cat that nyans. Its body is made of poptart and all it does is cruise through space aimlessly/carelessly.
It goes nyan nyan nyan and creates rainbow in it’s path.
*
Neptune didn’t take it too well that Pluto was removed from the solar system.
Dwarf planet. What does that make me now?
Pluto always complained of being last in the list, and now he is the first on another.
*
At 2300HRS, you are to commence operation code Delta Charlie Boy Boy at location 012238 Michael. Make sure that you have with you everything on list no. 382710 and that you have prepared accordingly to standard operating procedure no. 8732085. You must understand that according Military Act no. 145 Chapter 2009 Section 49087 Paragraph U, you are required to respond and act only according to the protocol no. 31152. Do you understand, S7398234A?
*
If a tree falls in the forest and somebody is there, he would hear it and know that the tree has fallen and that there was indeed a tree.
But if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it fall, did the tree really fall or was there indeed a tree?
Yes it did really fall and there would indeed be a tree because God would be there to see it.
*
I cannot trust myself anymore. I have discovered that I am a product of ideology and brain washing and systems and societal moulding and I do not trust myself anymore. Everything we say or act is a result of the kind of culture that we are exposed to or the kinds of things that we read. It’s not even about exposure anymore. I don’t care if I’ve been to America or North Korea or Japan to be exposed to their culture. Because every single culture that I’m exposed to only add another layer to this ideological product that I am.
I cannot trust myself anymore and there is no escaping this. I do not know who I am and I cannot find any identity in the being that I have become and already am. We laugh at people who simply accept the system that they are presented and we call them under-exposed, immature, unintelligent, not well-read, don’t have their own mindset, brainwashed. But we do not realize that we, us, ourselves, are equally brainwashed into a culture that looks at others as brainwashed.
I am only just a multiple cell organism that has decided that I want to see what it’s like to think. Is it my brain that’s doing the thinking? Or is it my nerves? Or is it me? Or am I just a cell in the body that operates the entire body?
*
Ray is a cell. He is a single cell organism that has been misread. He didn’t evolve, he didn’t combine with other cells. He has all along been a single cell organism who just simply collected other cells to control them.
These other cells are called “body”. As a sort of collective term. People mistake this body as Ray. But really, Ray is just a single cell organism. And he forgot he is.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
i am in the middle-of-exam break
when we do not know what we want
we will want everything
and then we will be disappointed
because it is known fact
that we will not get everything
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