The toughest semester in my education history - three level 400 modules, mostly with intense group work and difficult content - has come an end. As I finish my final paper in the exam hall, a staff at the university comes along to every table to scrape off the sticker indicating the table number - truly, my final paper was in the final time slot of the exam season.
My girlfriend is overseas with her family in Europe, and she has been away since 1 December. 25 days in the Old World winter; this might very well be longest time we spend apart from each other. But well. She updates me everyday about this and that, and I pretty much can come to the conclusion that she is happy, which makes me feel better. Funny thing though, she goes to London to have Asian food. Some weird habit on the side of her family if you ask me. But well, I guess there is something special about Asian food in the West - popular culture is always so obsessed with this thing called the "Chinese Takeaway". Well I know what Chinese food, but I don't know how a "Chinese Takeaway" is like. So.
The end of the exams doesn't give me any form of respite either. No rest until the after Christmas I suppose. In actual fact, I have not had a good rest since... last year I suppose. Since I was in Vietnam. That is almost a year ago already. Sigh. Time really flies at the speed of... time. Since I returned from Vietnam, it has been like School - Church - Exam - Church - Internship - Internship - Church - School - Exam. And now that exam has ended, when everybody says "Hooray its BREAK time!", guess what's lined up for me? If you guessed anything other than "Church", you deserve a good knock in the head. I don't know how I'm going to get any break at this rate. Or maybe my life will be like this - one good break a year. Heck, even the people WORKING in the church get better work-life balance than people VOLUNTEERING in the church. But I ain't complaining.
I guess this is what volunteerism is all about. Some times I really wonder to myself, "is it worth it?" I mean, really, volunteering at the church (well you can call it ministry or anything, but its volunteering) isn't really very rewarding in the rather tangible or recognisable sense. Defenders of the Faith are probably going to come shoot me with their machine guns of "You do it for God" or "Your reward is in Heaven" kind of argument, but argh. Come on, I've been a Christian for nearly 10 years now - you think I don't know the line of argument?
I'm not even saying that such theology is wrong. Heck, if volunteering at church isn't about rewards in Heaven and about God, what can it be about? All I'm saying is that such volunteerism ain't easy. It's difficult because some times I don't know what the heck I'm doing it for. I look at my friends who volunteer for some non-profit organisation helping the needy or the elderly or whoever, and they get recognised by organsiations, and they can put it onto their resume to get good jobs and scholarships, and it seems that their work is SO MEANINGFUL as well; then I think to myself - I'm putting in the same number of hours and effort, but who the heck puts "Volunteer at the church" in their resume, and who even cares about your volunteer work in the church. Who's going to care if I'm a YCG leader or not when I'm looking for opportunities after my graduation?
In other words, what do my efforts in volunteering for the church translate to?
I honestly cannot have an answer for this. I've been trying to work it out for myself. There are times when I say that I do it for the members under my care - I've formed a bond with them and they are my friends, so its kind of an ass thing to do to just back out on them now. Then there are also times when I say that I do it for God's blessing - I've always believed that my life has been blessed tremendously by God, and that my faithfulness is rewarded in the form of peace and rather good grades. These are the times when I hold extremely firm to the verse "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." (Matthew 6:33). Then there are times when I feel defeated by the very mission that I am working for.
My church is going through some sort of transition phase right now. Structures are being changed, new ministries are coming on board and the leadership is taking on a different direction in several areas. I've heard of major changes in several ministries and there are many who aren't happy with the leadership at all. I don't know about other ministries which I am not involved in, but the Youth Leadership Ministry (of which I am a part of) is going through some sort of weeding phase.
Weeding phase. Cynical, but that's exactly what it is. We were involved in some sort of meeting with the lead pastor, and basically the take-away was "if you don't think you can commit to the ministry, then please leave. If you think you can, please commit." It sounds harsh, but I personally felt that it was a very fair thing to ask of us. The entire youth ministry has become bogged down by leaders who aren't committed either because the years of commitment has drained them and quenched their fire, or because of the haphazard recruitment of half-ready leaders because there was a major lack of manpower. Whatever the reason is, people who aren't committed affect others. Negativity is contagious. And if we wanna make a fresh start for the farm, some weeding is absolutely necessary.
So I was given a choice. Leave or stay. Even though it was my exam period, I gave some thought to it. It was quite a struggle, really. I was honestly very tempted to leave. But when I looked at the leaders whom I work with, and the members in my community group, and my life's blessings from God through my education, I felt a very strong conviction that Matthew 6:33 holds very true. So through the conviction of this verse, I decided to say to myself, "Ah what the heck. Let's just stick through with it and see what happens."
Unfortunately I haven't convinced myself beyond that. I still feel a sense of tiredness about the ministry. It's the kind of ministry that really takes a lot out of you. I mean, I only just finished my exams two days ago and they want me to start planning for a series of consecutive events for Christmas. It's difficult, and I feel pretty burnt out.
I guess the issue here isn't really about commitment. It's really to simplistic to just put an ultimatum on the leaders and ask them to decide if they want to commit or to quit. Seriously, I don't think it works like this. Somebody seems to be trying a sort of quick fix to the sticky situation that we are in. Weeding is one thing, but something needs to be done with the kind of commitment that we are all signed up for too. The church expects a lot from the people serving in it; that puts a lot of stress on the people doing volunteer work for the church.
Some sort of understanding need to be struck between the church and its volunteers. A two-way communication channel AND environment should be available for open feedback. The system (heck, it's a system even if you don't recognise it as one) has to be softer and flexible, with more space for people to find it easier to fit themselves into places where they can perform at a more optimum rate. Something should be done to keep the volunteers encouraged and passionate for their ministry. Some sort of rest or break should be planned for the volunteers (and I'm not saying those kinds of "break" whereby there is no YCG for the week but we STILL need to plan for something ahead). I don't know all the solutions to this sticky situation, but more needs to be done if we want to see positive changes in the new year.
Help us to find a reason why we should serve with more of our heart and our effort and our time. If there is anything the church is for, it is to encourage its workers and volunteers to keep their hearts on fire for God, and not to discourage them through difficult human resource policies.
Help us to believe in Matthew 6:33, not tell us to believe in it.
