“Think of this – that the writer wrote alone, and the reader read alone, and they were alone with each other. True, the writer may have been alone also with Spenser’s golden apples in the Faerie Queen, Proserpina’s garden, glistering bright among the place’s ashes and cinders, may have seen in his mind’s eye, apple of his eye, the golden fruit of the Primavera, may have seen Paradise Lost, in the garden where Eve recalled Pomona and Proserpina. He was alone when he wrote and he was not alone then, all these voices sang, the same words, golden apples, different worlds in different places, an Irish castle, an unseen cottage, elastic-walled and grey round blind eyes.”
– A.S Byatt, Possession
Sunday, May 30, 2010
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Flight of Icarus
They stood at the ledge, both Daedalus and Icarus, ready to escape Crete in magnificent flight. Two wings were specially furnished, fashioned remarkably in wax, waiting to bring the two mortals into the open sky.
Looking out towards the sea, they could see only the water and horizon. Freedom laid itself out before them, the open water and the endless sky. They would escape Crete at last.
"Are you ready, son?"
"Yes, father, I am."
"Remember, never go too near to the sea nor to the sun. For the sea will dampen your wings, making it too heavy for flight and the sun is too hot for your wax wings."
They jumped off, and their wings flapped in silent flight. Angry waves were crashing below, and the sun was shining greatly above. The two mortals took flight like angels, or some might even believe them to be gods.
As they were in mid-flight, Icarus began to fly higher and higher. Some said the heat got to Icarus, and that he became giddy. Others said he was dazzled and fascinated by the beauty of the sun. As he went higher in flight, the wax on his wings began to slow drip off, feathers were slowly becoming bare arms.
"Icarus! Stop! You are too near the sun!" Daedalus screamed but his caution landed only on deaf ears, for Icarus was not listening. He was in his own world of thoughts.
"What's the use of flying if I could only fly to a certain height?"
Icarus's fingers began to show.
"What's the use of wings if I was only supposed to return to land?"
The wings were disappearing, his hands were showing.
"I shall fly high, even if it meant that it would be my last flight."
There were no more wings, and he plummeted toward the sea.
"At least, I've been higher than where I was supposed to be."
At least, he flew.
Looking out towards the sea, they could see only the water and horizon. Freedom laid itself out before them, the open water and the endless sky. They would escape Crete at last.
"Are you ready, son?"
"Yes, father, I am."
"Remember, never go too near to the sea nor to the sun. For the sea will dampen your wings, making it too heavy for flight and the sun is too hot for your wax wings."
They jumped off, and their wings flapped in silent flight. Angry waves were crashing below, and the sun was shining greatly above. The two mortals took flight like angels, or some might even believe them to be gods.
As they were in mid-flight, Icarus began to fly higher and higher. Some said the heat got to Icarus, and that he became giddy. Others said he was dazzled and fascinated by the beauty of the sun. As he went higher in flight, the wax on his wings began to slow drip off, feathers were slowly becoming bare arms.
"Icarus! Stop! You are too near the sun!" Daedalus screamed but his caution landed only on deaf ears, for Icarus was not listening. He was in his own world of thoughts.
"What's the use of flying if I could only fly to a certain height?"
Icarus's fingers began to show.
"What's the use of wings if I was only supposed to return to land?"
The wings were disappearing, his hands were showing.
"I shall fly high, even if it meant that it would be my last flight."
There were no more wings, and he plummeted toward the sea.
"At least, I've been higher than where I was supposed to be."
At least, he flew.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Our paths they did cross though I cannot say just why
And, yes, it's my birthday. Yeah, I am 22, I am so happy.
I do believe I've grown up, despite my rather childish behaviours. It's just... everyone is growing, everyone is losing their youth every second, but they only realise this once a year and it's already too late. I just want to... be childish before I can no longer.
Well, anyway, I've received this card from a group of my friends (Alex, Andrea, Bryan, Chen Min, Dixon, Jeff, Jia Yan, Shu Ting, Xin Di, Ying Hui, Yong Jie and Zhi Wei). Not the small birthday card that you can buy from Kinokuniya, but a big custom card on which all them drew their variations of Cloud, who is one of my favourite characters from my favourite video game, Final Fantasy VII.
It is a very touching gesture, and I know that many of them would not have known who Cloud is and would have needed to go onto the internet to find out, and I know that many of my friends aren't exactly artists, but still, the pictures were all excellent and the effort made everything even more beautiful. This gift of friendship is invaluable and I would not trade it for the world.
I shall not do the card injustice by taking a picture of it, so just try to imagine its awesomeness as it lies in my room while I try to think of a place to properly place it.
Okay, my birthday aside, I must tell everyone who is reading this a very special something which I saw one morning when I went for training at MacRitchie. I forgot when this was, sometime during last week. As usual, I arrived at the reservoir in the early morning, and I saw on top of the water a layer of mist. And the whole place looked like a dreamscape.
Mist is such an interesting phenomena. Maybe it's called fog, I am not sure. But it's actually water evaporating from the surface, but then, never quite left the surface of the water. It's as if it's in a "liminal state". Trapped in between leaving and staying, and yet at the same time open and ambiguous, free from definition.
"Liminality", this has been the word on my mind for quite some time now. We are liminal creatures. Always transiting, always ambiguous, always not open for definition, and yet, we are trapped in this very ambiguity that we surround ourselves in. We contradict ourselves but yet affirms in contradictions. We are mutable and our mutability becomes our only constant. We believe only because we doubt. We let go because we love.
We are like mist, which wants to ascend to the sky but at the same time, misses the water body. And then we remain there, in a state of limbo, not wanting to lean to one side or the other, because we do not know what's on one side or the other. Could it be hell? Could it be heaven? We choose not to make a decision because we fear the consequences of making one, but in choosing we have already decided. We have decided that we shall be this way, hanging in the in-between, as if we were trying to keep the see-saw from leaning on one side.
Like the mist, we disappear eventually. We could be blown by the wind, we could have returned to where we came from, or we could have really ascended to the sky. And the beauty of creating a dreamscape becomes only a short lived one. However, the beauty, though short lived, would have remained eternal in the eyes of those who beheld it.
All of us are dreamers and dreams at the exact same moment.
I do believe I've grown up, despite my rather childish behaviours. It's just... everyone is growing, everyone is losing their youth every second, but they only realise this once a year and it's already too late. I just want to... be childish before I can no longer.
Well, anyway, I've received this card from a group of my friends (Alex, Andrea, Bryan, Chen Min, Dixon, Jeff, Jia Yan, Shu Ting, Xin Di, Ying Hui, Yong Jie and Zhi Wei). Not the small birthday card that you can buy from Kinokuniya, but a big custom card on which all them drew their variations of Cloud, who is one of my favourite characters from my favourite video game, Final Fantasy VII.
It is a very touching gesture, and I know that many of them would not have known who Cloud is and would have needed to go onto the internet to find out, and I know that many of my friends aren't exactly artists, but still, the pictures were all excellent and the effort made everything even more beautiful. This gift of friendship is invaluable and I would not trade it for the world.
I shall not do the card injustice by taking a picture of it, so just try to imagine its awesomeness as it lies in my room while I try to think of a place to properly place it.
Okay, my birthday aside, I must tell everyone who is reading this a very special something which I saw one morning when I went for training at MacRitchie. I forgot when this was, sometime during last week. As usual, I arrived at the reservoir in the early morning, and I saw on top of the water a layer of mist. And the whole place looked like a dreamscape.
Mist is such an interesting phenomena. Maybe it's called fog, I am not sure. But it's actually water evaporating from the surface, but then, never quite left the surface of the water. It's as if it's in a "liminal state". Trapped in between leaving and staying, and yet at the same time open and ambiguous, free from definition.
"Liminality", this has been the word on my mind for quite some time now. We are liminal creatures. Always transiting, always ambiguous, always not open for definition, and yet, we are trapped in this very ambiguity that we surround ourselves in. We contradict ourselves but yet affirms in contradictions. We are mutable and our mutability becomes our only constant. We believe only because we doubt. We let go because we love.
We are like mist, which wants to ascend to the sky but at the same time, misses the water body. And then we remain there, in a state of limbo, not wanting to lean to one side or the other, because we do not know what's on one side or the other. Could it be hell? Could it be heaven? We choose not to make a decision because we fear the consequences of making one, but in choosing we have already decided. We have decided that we shall be this way, hanging in the in-between, as if we were trying to keep the see-saw from leaning on one side.
Like the mist, we disappear eventually. We could be blown by the wind, we could have returned to where we came from, or we could have really ascended to the sky. And the beauty of creating a dreamscape becomes only a short lived one. However, the beauty, though short lived, would have remained eternal in the eyes of those who beheld it.
All of us are dreamers and dreams at the exact same moment.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
And it was all yellow.
Long break from writing, everybody must be wondering what has happened to me that I have not written even though exams ended 2 Fridays ago. So here's a little update of what happened in my life, courtesy of myself to all my friends and possible unknown stalkers who might be interested in what's going on for reasons that I will never be able to comprehend.
Church. The number 1 most time consuming part of my life. Practically the whole of last week has been taken up by the church in preparation of the "My Idea of Heaven" event that happened last Friday. I'm not complaining though, because I was really impacted by the responses that I received. If I haven't decided to push that extra step and go the extra mile, I probably wouldn't have discovered what I found. My thanks to Rita, Xingyi, Boon Lai, Jeff and Yong Jie for working with me on this project. It's really the experience that I am most thankful for. And for my friends who aren't in church, this is what I've been working on.
Canoeing. The canoe team is training every single morning from Monday to Saturday now, and it's really tiring. Not the physical training kind of tiring, but really the need to wake up early every morning kind of tiring. I'm not a morning person, as many of you probably know. So it's really an epic struggle for me to get out of bed at 7am in the morning just to go for training. Training has been rather discouraging as well, because I'm rowing in a new boat now and I am extremely unfamiliar with it, causing me to capsize countless times in the reservoir. Just this morning, I thought about why I am canoeing. Other than the fact that it is helping me to be less fat than I would have been and that I have great team mates, I really don't know why else I am doing this. Perhaps it would have been better that I picked up a performing art, one that I can ask my friends to come for a concert and see me perform. When it's canoeing, we only train for races, and none of my friends would bother to watch me race or even talk about it anyway. But then again, it was just a passing thought.
Work. I have applied to a whopping number of 6 companies in search of a temporary job as probably an admin clerk or something. It has been a week and none of them has responded and it's really very discouraging. I really want to get a job so I can afford the Taiwan trip that we are planning for this August and also the PS3 that is calling out to me.
Scholarship. I got shortlisted for the "Lim Kim San Memorial Scholarship" which is technically a scholarship for people who come from families that earn less than $5000 a month, like me. It's a bond-less scholarship from the SPH Foundation for students of languages, which for my case is English. The interview is next Tuesday and I have no idea what I'm supposed to prepare for it, but I'm excited nonetheless. Really thank God for this opportunity! And I hope I don't mess up the interview! Oh gosh, getting all anxious now.
And also... I have nothing more to say. I am reading Possessions now and there's so much that I want to quote from it. Basically a whole bunch of religious and literary quotable treasures that I found.
And... I just got reminded by Andrea Khong Lilian that I should get started on researching the Taiwan itinerary.
So... I should stop writing.
Church. The number 1 most time consuming part of my life. Practically the whole of last week has been taken up by the church in preparation of the "My Idea of Heaven" event that happened last Friday. I'm not complaining though, because I was really impacted by the responses that I received. If I haven't decided to push that extra step and go the extra mile, I probably wouldn't have discovered what I found. My thanks to Rita, Xingyi, Boon Lai, Jeff and Yong Jie for working with me on this project. It's really the experience that I am most thankful for. And for my friends who aren't in church, this is what I've been working on.
Canoeing. The canoe team is training every single morning from Monday to Saturday now, and it's really tiring. Not the physical training kind of tiring, but really the need to wake up early every morning kind of tiring. I'm not a morning person, as many of you probably know. So it's really an epic struggle for me to get out of bed at 7am in the morning just to go for training. Training has been rather discouraging as well, because I'm rowing in a new boat now and I am extremely unfamiliar with it, causing me to capsize countless times in the reservoir. Just this morning, I thought about why I am canoeing. Other than the fact that it is helping me to be less fat than I would have been and that I have great team mates, I really don't know why else I am doing this. Perhaps it would have been better that I picked up a performing art, one that I can ask my friends to come for a concert and see me perform. When it's canoeing, we only train for races, and none of my friends would bother to watch me race or even talk about it anyway. But then again, it was just a passing thought.
Work. I have applied to a whopping number of 6 companies in search of a temporary job as probably an admin clerk or something. It has been a week and none of them has responded and it's really very discouraging. I really want to get a job so I can afford the Taiwan trip that we are planning for this August and also the PS3 that is calling out to me.
Scholarship. I got shortlisted for the "Lim Kim San Memorial Scholarship" which is technically a scholarship for people who come from families that earn less than $5000 a month, like me. It's a bond-less scholarship from the SPH Foundation for students of languages, which for my case is English. The interview is next Tuesday and I have no idea what I'm supposed to prepare for it, but I'm excited nonetheless. Really thank God for this opportunity! And I hope I don't mess up the interview! Oh gosh, getting all anxious now.
And also... I have nothing more to say. I am reading Possessions now and there's so much that I want to quote from it. Basically a whole bunch of religious and literary quotable treasures that I found.
And... I just got reminded by Andrea Khong Lilian that I should get started on researching the Taiwan itinerary.
So... I should stop writing.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Alright, I don't have much time here but I feel like blogging so I'll do a short one. Training in the morning so it's not really wise that I stay up too late (insomnia or not). And, I probably won't be able to do any writing because the "My Idea of Heaven" event is really dragging me down alot. It is hard to get things done. And it's actually even harder to get people to get things done.
Oh well, anyway, I decided to check out what some of my friends' names meant. The list isn't exhaustive and there are probably other meanings that I could have missed out. I don't have the time to list everybody's so please forgive me if I missed out yours (I've just met these people for the past 2 days so they are on my mind right now).
Alex: Protector of mankind (Greek)
Andrea: Courageous (Greek); Brave (French)
Bryan: Strong one (Irish)
Don: World leader (Irish); Dark stranger (Celtic)
Eleanor: Light (Greek) ; Shining light (English)
Gladys: Lame (Welsh) ; Sword (Latin) ; Princess (Irish)
Jeff: Divinely peaceful (German)
Joel: God is willing (Israelite) ; Jehovah is God (Hebrew)
Sabrina: Cactus fruit (Hebrew) ; Legendary princess (English) ; Princess (Irish) ; From the border (Italian)
Simon: It is heard (Hebrew) ; Hear/Listen (Scottish/Spanish)
Most of us have really interesting names, isn't it? I didn't know we had a cactus fruit with us all this time. And I'm not making fun of anybody's name, okay!
Oh well, anyway, I decided to check out what some of my friends' names meant. The list isn't exhaustive and there are probably other meanings that I could have missed out. I don't have the time to list everybody's so please forgive me if I missed out yours (I've just met these people for the past 2 days so they are on my mind right now).
Alex: Protector of mankind (Greek)
Andrea: Courageous (Greek); Brave (French)
Bryan: Strong one (Irish)
Don: World leader (Irish); Dark stranger (Celtic)
Eleanor: Light (Greek) ; Shining light (English)
Gladys: Lame (Welsh) ; Sword (Latin) ; Princess (Irish)
Jeff: Divinely peaceful (German)
Joel: God is willing (Israelite) ; Jehovah is God (Hebrew)
Sabrina: Cactus fruit (Hebrew) ; Legendary princess (English) ; Princess (Irish) ; From the border (Italian)
Simon: It is heard (Hebrew) ; Hear/Listen (Scottish/Spanish)
Most of us have really interesting names, isn't it? I didn't know we had a cactus fruit with us all this time. And I'm not making fun of anybody's name, okay!
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Can't read my poker face.
Yeah I'm back to blogging again, from a nearly 1 week long hiatus. Well, the week's been really bad, and there were times when I really felt like I wanted to blog because my muse was completely active (for the bloody wrong reasons) in the middle of the night while I was mugging my head off for the paper in the following morning. So imagine me trying to concentrate on writing notes, and my muse is urging me to write on the blog. Total distraction.
Anyway, the fact that I am blogging again doesn't mean that my exams are over. On the contrary, well, what else could be on the contrary? It's not over. There's still another paper in a week's time on Friday, and you know what? I don't give 2 cents about it. Well, actually I do la (I'm still not that crazy), but there's still ample time as it is a relatively easy paper, in my opinion. Media writing, you get a story and some other stuff, you write a news report and a press release. Er, maybe not that simple, but I'll start revising probably on Monday and shall take this weekend to breathe.
Exams were really, urgh. Smoke-out for most parts, especially HL107 Classical Lit, because I am so ill-prepared for it because I don't know how to prepare for it. I've never written such short essays for a lit exam before (2 pages). Okay, maybe I have. But that's not the point, the essays are still too short for examination standards! MB107 Business Law is worrying too. I felt I did okay for the paper because I covered almost all the areas in the questions, but people are coming to me and telling me that they are glad they S/Ued (not sued) the paper, or telling me that they flunk it, such that I am getting a little worried myself. The worst thing for an academic is to NOT KNOW that you do not know some things. You think you know what you are doing, but you actually do not know it, and then you will screw up real bad. If Socrates is considered to be the wisest man in history because he knows that he does not know, then the opposite can be easily translated as stupidity.
One of the more prominent thoughts in my head recently is self-identity. I've been asking myself, how much do I really know about who I am. Okay, just some technical stuff for those interested. Self-identity is separated into 4 parts known as the Johari Window. So there are parts that are known to the self, unknown to the self, known to others, unknown to others. So when you put these parts into a matrix, you get the 4 areas in the Johari Window: OPEN, BLIND, HIDDEN, UNKNOWN. Just like in the diagram below.
Alright, that's the brief introduction to self-concept. The diagram is really just for reference anyway, because in actuality, our identity is not as equally spaced out as the diagram shows. Some people have hidden areas that are extremely huge (which is really common anyway), while others have huge blind areas, so on and so forth.
Okay, and that's it for self-concept. Thank you for paying attention to Don's self-concept 101 lecture
Anyway, yes, so by thinking about my self-identity, what I really want to know is, just how much of myself do I not know, and what are these things actually? If you refer to the Johari Window, that's the blind and unknown area for me.
Sometimes I really feel that I do not know myself very well. You ever get the feeling sometimes? Like there some things that you have no idea why you do them, some words that you have no idea why you say and some feelings that you have no idea why you feel. And sometimes, people gets irritated or angry at you and you don't even know why. Such events really call for some self-reflection and character enhancement
Okay, and since we are at the topic (I thought of switching topic at this point but decided to just stick to one topic per post and talk about other stuff in other posts) of identity, I suppose it's good talk about the HIDDEN area as well. If you don't know yet, you should probably know now that people are very much not what they seem to be. There are those who are more real than others, but what you see in almost everybody is easily just the tip of the iceberg.
An iceberg is the perfect example (though overused) for identity. Like an iceberg, most people only show a small small small portion of who they are in the outside world. Only the tip of the iceberg floats on the surface of the water, while the rest of it lies submerged in the water. For those who knows psychoanalysis, this "iceberg" is the super-ego, ego and id (from surface to bottom). I'm not just saying someone who's a hypocrite or have multiple identities, even the simplest and innocent and pure person falls under this theory as well.
You can be as real as you want, but the truth remains that everybody hides something from everyone else. It could be romantic feelings for some people, it could be some inferiority complex, it could be some feeling of inadequacy among friends, it could be anything. But whatever it may be, people hide things for a reason. Some times it's good for some things to be revealed, but most times it's better to just remain quiet about it until an appropriate moment, or not speak about it at all.
So to round it all up before this post gets too long and becomes something you get from a textbook (which it probably already seems like its becoming), it is good that if you find out a secret or something hidden from somebody, it's really best that you keep it to yourself unless you really have to do otherwise. Don't be a gossiper, or you'll easily be the one gossiped about. You know full well that you have your own secrets to be kept as well.
Anyway, the fact that I am blogging again doesn't mean that my exams are over. On the contrary, well, what else could be on the contrary? It's not over. There's still another paper in a week's time on Friday, and you know what? I don't give 2 cents about it. Well, actually I do la (I'm still not that crazy), but there's still ample time as it is a relatively easy paper, in my opinion. Media writing, you get a story and some other stuff, you write a news report and a press release. Er, maybe not that simple, but I'll start revising probably on Monday and shall take this weekend to breathe.
Exams were really, urgh. Smoke-out for most parts, especially HL107 Classical Lit, because I am so ill-prepared for it because I don't know how to prepare for it. I've never written such short essays for a lit exam before (2 pages). Okay, maybe I have. But that's not the point, the essays are still too short for examination standards! MB107 Business Law is worrying too. I felt I did okay for the paper because I covered almost all the areas in the questions, but people are coming to me and telling me that they are glad they S/Ued (not sued) the paper, or telling me that they flunk it, such that I am getting a little worried myself. The worst thing for an academic is to NOT KNOW that you do not know some things. You think you know what you are doing, but you actually do not know it, and then you will screw up real bad. If Socrates is considered to be the wisest man in history because he knows that he does not know, then the opposite can be easily translated as stupidity.
One of the more prominent thoughts in my head recently is self-identity. I've been asking myself, how much do I really know about who I am. Okay, just some technical stuff for those interested. Self-identity is separated into 4 parts known as the Johari Window. So there are parts that are known to the self, unknown to the self, known to others, unknown to others. So when you put these parts into a matrix, you get the 4 areas in the Johari Window: OPEN, BLIND, HIDDEN, UNKNOWN. Just like in the diagram below.
Alright, that's the brief introduction to self-concept. The diagram is really just for reference anyway, because in actuality, our identity is not as equally spaced out as the diagram shows. Some people have hidden areas that are extremely huge (which is really common anyway), while others have huge blind areas, so on and so forth.
Okay, and that's it for self-concept. Thank you for paying attention to Don's self-concept 101 lecture
Anyway, yes, so by thinking about my self-identity, what I really want to know is, just how much of myself do I not know, and what are these things actually? If you refer to the Johari Window, that's the blind and unknown area for me.
Sometimes I really feel that I do not know myself very well. You ever get the feeling sometimes? Like there some things that you have no idea why you do them, some words that you have no idea why you say and some feelings that you have no idea why you feel. And sometimes, people gets irritated or angry at you and you don't even know why. Such events really call for some self-reflection and character enhancement
Okay, and since we are at the topic (I thought of switching topic at this point but decided to just stick to one topic per post and talk about other stuff in other posts) of identity, I suppose it's good talk about the HIDDEN area as well. If you don't know yet, you should probably know now that people are very much not what they seem to be. There are those who are more real than others, but what you see in almost everybody is easily just the tip of the iceberg.
An iceberg is the perfect example (though overused) for identity. Like an iceberg, most people only show a small small small portion of who they are in the outside world. Only the tip of the iceberg floats on the surface of the water, while the rest of it lies submerged in the water. For those who knows psychoanalysis, this "iceberg" is the super-ego, ego and id (from surface to bottom). I'm not just saying someone who's a hypocrite or have multiple identities, even the simplest and innocent and pure person falls under this theory as well.
You can be as real as you want, but the truth remains that everybody hides something from everyone else. It could be romantic feelings for some people, it could be some inferiority complex, it could be some feeling of inadequacy among friends, it could be anything. But whatever it may be, people hide things for a reason. Some times it's good for some things to be revealed, but most times it's better to just remain quiet about it until an appropriate moment, or not speak about it at all.
So to round it all up before this post gets too long and becomes something you get from a textbook (which it probably already seems like its becoming), it is good that if you find out a secret or something hidden from somebody, it's really best that you keep it to yourself unless you really have to do otherwise. Don't be a gossiper, or you'll easily be the one gossiped about. You know full well that you have your own secrets to be kept as well.
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