'Cause you bring out the best in me, like no one else can do.

Dear Students,

It has been brought to my attention that some of you did not procure the prescribed course texts. Only the Aeneid, the Metamorphoses and the Confessions are not available on edventure. I will allow you to bring alternative editions of these three texts into the exam as long as you e-mail me publication details of the alternative texts you're using prior to the exam. Anyone caught plagiarizing from the critical apparatus on these books will be crucified upside down.

I realise that the bookshop failed to order the books, but in the age of internet shopping - which some of you appear to be able to do even while listening to lectures - there's absolutely no excuse for not having the right books for your classes. Please do not come into my classes in future with this kind of careless attitude. I was very emphatic at the start of the semester about the requirement that we all read the same editions of these texts.

I realised today that my lecturer has been harbouring a great amount of hatred for us which has penultimately led up to the sending of this email, threatening to crucify us upside down. On hindsight, I wonder if those throwing of greek-bombs at us, such as 'method = meta + hodos', were really ways of getting back at us for not finishing the required readings or for the few people who can't keep their mouths shut during lectures.

I realised also, that if he indeed had been harbouring such a great amount of hatred, we could be in really deep trouble this Wednesday.

Tonight's the night, for the sinners and the saints. Two worlds collide, in a beautiful display.

I am not become any kind of an Atheist, nor yet positivist, at least, not as to the extreme religious position of those who make a religion out of Humanity - for although I wish my fellow men well, and find them endlessly interesting, yet there are more things in Heaven and Earth than were created for their, that is our, benefit. The impulses to religion might be the need to trust - or the capacity for wonder - and my own religious feelings have always been inspired more by the latter. I find it hard to shift without the Creator - the more we see and understand, the more amazement there is in this strangely interrelated heap of things - which is yet not disordered...

...The truth is - my dear Miss LaMotte - that we live in an old world - a tired world - a world that has gone on piling up speculation and observations until truths that might have been graspable in the bright Dayspring of human morning - by young Plotinus or the ecstatic John on Patmos - are now obscured by palimpsest on palimpsest, by thick horny growths over that clear vision - as moulting serpents, before they burst forth with their new flexible-brilliant skins, are blinded by the crusts of their old one - or we might say, as the lovely lines of faith that sprung up in the aspiring towers of the ancient minsters and abbeys are both worn away by time and grime, softly shrouded by the smutty accretions of our industrial cities, our wealth, our discoveries themselves, our Progress. Now I cannot believe, being no Manichee, that He, the Creator, if he exists, did not make us and our world that which we are. He made us curious, did he not? - he made us questioning - and the Scribe of Genesis did well to locate the source of all our misery in that greed for knowledge which has also been our greatest spur - in some sense - to good. To good and evil. We have more of both those, I must believe, than our primitive parents.

Now, my great question is, has He withdrawn Himself from our vision so that by diligence of our own matured minds we might find out his Ways - now so far away from us - or have we by sin, or by some necessary thickening of our skins before the new stages of the metamorphosis - have we reached some stage which necessitates our consciousness of our ignorance and distance - and is this necessity health or sickness?

- "Randolph Henry Ash's letter" in Possession, A. S. Byatt

So kiss me and smile for me. Tell me that you'll wait for me.

Today is the first time in a long time that I actually stayed within a 1km radius from my house (I can't say home because I did leave my house to buy lunch) and I realised that I accomplished so much more than an average day out.

Here's what I accomplished:

1. Read Possession. (slow reading, because I really want to take my time to enjoy this)

2. Practiced guitar. (Scales, cords, tried songs but it was so difficult that it got demoralising so I stopped)

3. Swept and mopped my room.

4. Paid credit card bills.

5. Bought lunch home from Yew Tee.

6. Rented 十月围城 ("Bodyguards and Assassins") from video store at Yew Tee.

7. Watched 十月围城 ("Bodyguards and Assassins") while having lunch.

8. Revised for HL105, which is for this Friday. (HL105, in my opinion is the easiest Lit paper to revise for. Because there is so little text, and so little to revise, compared to... you know, 107 )

I really feel that I've done quite abit, but on the other hand, I feel a lack of connection with my friends because I have not corresponded with them for the entire day. I practically have not held a conversation with anyone except my mum (of which the conversation consisted only of dinner contents).

This is declared an effecient day, but not healthy for my social life in the long run. (public life V private life, Butterfly V Beetle, Abraham's Promise)

in other news: I am still convincing myself that we ACTUALLY booked tickets for Taiwan already. It's so surreal. It's like a dream, that we are really going to fly off this August. I am happy. It's the kind of things that will keep me smiling in my dreams for weeks.

ALL DONE

Yes at last. I love the sight of striking off every assignment I have on the list. :D

10 reasons to know if you should study literature

1. You carry a novel wherever you go. Wait, did I say JUST a novel?

2. A friend tells you, "Why are you so slow? It is really cold!" and you go, "Hey, that rhymes!"

3. You see something, say a mark on the wall, and you think of everything other thing EXCEPT the mark on the wall.

4. When you read the term PAP, the first thing that comes to mind is Pride and Prejudice.

5. You always feel disappointed after watching a novel based movie. But you still want to watch novel based movies all the time.

6. You are hoping for a particular novel to be turned into a movie and hoping it will not be a disappointment.

7. You have some sort of "quote stash" somewhere.

8. You have some crush for an author or even character.

9. You have a habit of just staring at your bookshelf and admiring the beauty of all your books.

10. People keep asking you if you want to be a teacher when you graduate.

trip woes

I don't know. I really really don't know. How did I get filled up with so much animosity? Why did I react so violently (not physically, but mentally)? I have no idea at all. It's not that I hate him. No, I don't hate him. But why? Why oh why am I so concerned about this matter? I really don't get myself sometimes. I see him as a friend, I really do. He's a nice guy, he shows concern, he drives me home when we go out. And now he wants to tag along on our little trip... how come...

Maybe it's because we started off with just us. And I expect it to be just us because we started off with just us. It's us who hoped together for ST to go, it's us who got together our dreams, our desires, our expectations and came up with this plan. It's ultimately - our plan. That may sound a little exclusive, I admit, but it's the best reason I could come up with. However... you are right... you are right in saying its okay for him to tag along. You are right in saying that you don't see any reason why we shouldn't let him come aboard... because, I don't see any reason as well.

I am a little surprised at myself even. When you said, "Meng Hui, I thought you would be okay with it one leh!" I really wondered. Yes. I thought I would be okay with it also. But what happened to me? Again, the question - where did all this animosity come from? This thing... monster... hiding in me, probably with many other monsters, slowly creeping it's way out of my soul. Meng Hui... what happened to the easy going, everything-okay, 爽快 Meng Hui? Maybe maybe...

What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.

- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"

Maybe Shakespeare was wrong. Maybe everything is in a name. Maybe I wasn't Meng Hui when I reacted like that, maybe I wasn't Don either. Maybe... I was another person altogether. Maybe that's why I feel uncomfortable when people who used to call me Don called me Meng Hui and those who call me Meng Hui calls me Don. And then I... I don't know what to call this 'other' person. This other identity.

I don't know. This is really killing me. I feel like I'm getting torn into two. Maybe not into two. I just... don't feel myself. But then again, who is "myself" to start with? Is it the identity I assumed and am now performing? Is my identity the one that I am acting, or the one that I am an actor? I want to just peel myself down to the core like an onion and scream at what I will find "JUST WHO ON EARTH ARE YOU?!", scream at myself, scream at... nothing.

What am I but identities? A mish-mash of identities? Rings after rings of performance onion. You strip it down and you will find more rings of performance, of acting and more and more and more. You think you can find the true onion in the core, but no. You, I, all I find is just more rings, more rings, and when i reach the centre, emptiness stare at me. Silence. Who am I but performance onion rings?

"But how come you don't let him come along but let her tag along?" I don't know. Okay? I don't know. I really really don't know. Don't ask me, ask him, the other me. He should know. He should know very well. If you ask me, I will just tell you that I also won't let her tag along, because we planned this as a group and this is "our plan". It's exclusive. But then again... she's different.. from him...

Maybe it's how he likes to put himself on a moral highground. Maybe it's how she's always willing to listen to my rather unconventional and controversial views and then tells me how she thought about the same thing and really comforts me in telling me that it's alright and it's human and how she teaches me how to live my christian life alongside these thoughts. Maybe it's how he's so over-enthusiastic at times (but what's wrong with being over-enthusiastic?) Maybe it's... I don't know. They are just different.

I'm sorry if I acted weird. I'm sorry if I looked really grumpy. I really thank all of you for your concerns, and for planning this trip together. I love all of you. I'm feeling okay now. I just hope everything will just turn out well. I thank God for all of you friends. Let's get these essays and exams over and done with and then we can enjoy Taiwan 110%! :D

Captain-ship

"How's YCG leadership ministry going along for you?"

This question plays in my head like... like... iTunes that hanged and therefore sounds like a broken music player.

I understand everybody's concerns and all, but really, what do you expect me to say? I'm still trying to find my way around, I'm still unclear about many things and I really don't know what I should say.

"Well, it's been alright."

And well, it has been, actually.

The ride has been rather smooth so far. Initiatives such as the YCG bonding session were implemented pretty okay. We've set down the new plan and direction for my YCG. Everything is moving along pretty well.

However, it's been only a week and I have already learnt my first lesson of being in the YCG ministry: Faith.

I'm someone who loves to have things in control. In whatever I do, I want to know the plans, I want to know my options, I want to know the possible outcomes, I want to know the steps. I want to be able to know what to do at which step and what might happen and what to do when that something happen.

It's something I picked up from my army experience, really. Because when I am put out there to do the things I do, I've got to have the whole gameplan in my mind. No one's going to prompt me, no one's going to give me warning signs or tell me I'm going in a wrong direction. One wrong move and... well, shan't say more.

But anyway, I am like that. And I brought this mentality into the ministry. I worked out the plan for my YCG, I identify problems, I start a few initiatives. It's been okay, but not everything is as I would have expected it to be.

First week into the ministry and I'm made to be the captain of the mini-soccer team that we are having. Now this is something a little different. I've never had to go source for manpower for anything before. Manpower is usually given to me whenever I need something done. This time, I had to go figure out who I should call, call them and really really PRAY and HOPE that they will turn up on Saturday.

This is not the army. I don't tell the guy to come and expect him to come because I am going to give him extra duties or confinement if he doesn't turn up. Here, I ask if the guy will come and really hope that he will come because it doesn't matter to him whether he turns up or not. It's not as if I know them very well. It's not as if I am their greatest buddy whom they can't disappoint. I am just another leader getting the team together.

And this where faith comes in. I am not the phone-chatter type. So for me to pick up the phone and ask people if they are coming for soccer the next day is a pretty foreign thing to me. I did consider the usage of SMS, but really, I want to connect with them. I don't want to just send a mass sms and let them know of the time and venue.

What should I say to them? How do I connect with them? How do I let them know that I am sincerely asking them to come and enjoy a game of soccer tomorrow?

I don't know. I really really don't know. All I know was that I have to mutter a prayer and just pick up my phone and call them and hope they pick up their phone. They did. One by one, they picked up their phone, and I just managed to so casually strike up a conversation with them.

In the end, they all came. They all turned up on the pitch, all ready to have fun and play soccer. Really, it didn't matter that we won (which I am also happy about), but all that mattered was that they all came down in full support. That's what touched me the most.

And that's how it is with faith. It's not about doing the things that we are good at, that we know what to do, that we already have a plan for. It's really about doing the complete opposite and trusting God to help you with it.

This is only the beginning of my journey. There are many things ahead of me that I really have no idea how to accomplish. Things that are so foreign, so new, so unfamiliar to me. Things like calling people up and asking how their life is and having "follow-up" with them. I can ask all the leaders that I want to, but ultimately I will need faith and God's help to find the right words and the right things to say and ask.

I don't know everything. But really, I don't need to know everything.

A proposal to solve the foreign labour problem in our Land

TO The People of the Elite Republic:

Recently there has been an increase in displeasure concerning the influx of foreign workers from India and China in our land. People are displeased as the import of foreign talents meant that our jobs are stolen and there is less space in our already cramped state.

Trains become overcrowded because of these foreign workers. Places where foreign workers hang out are reportedly to be unsafe and more police presence is requested. There is also a hygiene problem associated with foreign workers.

I understand that because our society is such a fine and refined and re-refined place, it is really difficult to accept these foreign talents. The presence of these talents will only taint our perfect society where everybody is gracious and kind and courteous. Their presence puts the safety of our children and women at risk as all our locals are perfectly law abiding people and there would be no crime if not for the foreign workers.

Because of this very serious problem of the import of foreign talents, I propose the following solution to solve this problem.

These foreign workers have been employed here for purposes such as construction, road maintenance, garbage clearing, road sweeping and other jobs that require hard labour. These jobs need to be carried on in order to maintain the perfect city that we are currently enjoying. In order to shift these workers out of our country, perhaps the only solution is for our citizens to take up such jobs.

These tasks are difficult, and only those who have been trained will be able to do it. Because of this difficulty, we will have to begin selecting children from every family and put them through specific training for the specified tasks and make them carry out these roles with professionalism. After their training, they will then join the profession (construction worker, road sweeper, garbage clearer etc) and pursue it as a career for their whole life.

Because these jobs are important in the maintenance of our city as a clean and green and perfect city, I suggest that we get the people who are most responsible and gracious to do it for us. In view of this, we should therefore enlist the children of families whose income lies in the top 10% of this city. There also other reasons for this.

Getting the rich to do this low paying task would also contribute in closing the income gap, which is a social problem that the gracious and thoughtful rich has been trying to solve but couldn’t find a solution to. We are solving two problems with one solution here, which I believe goes in line with the efficiency and productivity mentality that this city subscribes to.

Such a proposal not only solves the problem of foreign workers in this city, but also closes the income gap, and it even allows the gracious and kind rich to do their part in developing this country. No one will be here to steal our jobs because our children will be trained to fill these jobs. There will be no more cramped trains. The city will be so safe that we won't even need to have the police force anymore. I strongly encourage the citizens to think through this proposal and put it into action.

Breathe

It's that time of the semester. Assignments and project deadlines are just around the corner. Essays are due. Meetings after meetings after meetings. And the examinations are just waiting ahead to deal the final blow to our already miserable student life.

It's that time when everybody start posting hate tweets about their lecturers and project group mates, when people start writing doom posts on their blogs and become very emo on Facebook.

It's that time of the semester when I have to wake up early every single morning to go for project meetings or lessons and have 2 essays waiting for me to write and I have no mood to write either and have decided to blog instead. Oh, the irony!

I felt a little overwhelmed during yesterday's(Tuesday) lecture. It wasn't the content of the lecture. HL105 has always been rather easy for simple-minded people like me. (unlike HL107, Classical Literature for Masters in Philosophy)

It was really the accumulation of readings and project works and lectures and tutorials and church and life and everything else that comes with it. It happens sometimes: when you suddenly feel as if everything is so heavy and overwhelming you can hardly catch your breath before the next something catches up on you and says "HEY START WORK NOW! START WORK NOW!"

It's horrible, this endless race and this paper chase. I tell myself to be more optimistic about it. I even tell others to cheer up. I tell them that we are not here to be educated, but to experience education. I give myself a new reason to go to school each day other than to study. But still, I have to admit, it's difficult. GPA remains a fact that we have to grapple with. It's there. It's staring at us. It holds the key to our future. How can I just simply ignore it?

But even so, we are not robots. We may be cultivated like one, we may be educated like one, but WE ARE NOT ROBOTS. Give yourself a break. I have to give myself a break. I am not here to be educated, I am here to experience education. That still holds true to me. GPA is still important to me. But I won't put my soul down on the altar for GPA's sake.

I may be overwhelmed, I may feel burdened, but no, it's not going to bring me down. If I need to step out of lecture theatre and take a breather, I will. I will breathe the air, the natural and non-air-conditioned air. I will let the fresh air fill my lungs again.

I will breathe. I am human.