We should always remember
what got us to fly in the air
wasn't wings,
but dreams.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Atheism
“I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” – Stephen Roberts
This is too difficult for me. Help.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
A.R.T
ART is sighTing. ART is heARing.
ART is Touching. ART is TAsTing.
ART is hAppy. Art is sAd.
ART is feAR. Art is Awe.
ART is nATuRAl. ART is ARTificiAl
ART is ReAl. ART is surreAl.
ART is plAin. ART is AbsTRAcT.
ART is pRivATe. ART is sociAl.
ART is YOU.
ART is ME.
ART is LOVE.
ART is LIFE.
ART is Touching. ART is TAsTing.
ART is hAppy. Art is sAd.
ART is feAR. Art is Awe.
ART is nATuRAl. ART is ARTificiAl
ART is ReAl. ART is surreAl.
ART is plAin. ART is AbsTRAcT.
ART is pRivATe. ART is sociAl.
ART is YOU.
ART is ME.
ART is LOVE.
ART is LIFE.
Monday, March 22, 2010
'High Wind Takes to The Skies'
Have I ever mentioned that the Highwind from FFVII is my favourite airship from all the FF series? Ragnarok only looks awesome in the CG video when it is attacking the Lunatic Pandora. Highwind looks great anywhere.
Well, there's not much competition anyway. I don't know any airships from pre-FFVII and from FFIX onwards, the airships have practically disappeared. I don't know why, so don't ask me. They still have airships, but you can no longer control them like how you can in FFVII and FFVIII.
I remember having fun (and LOTS of fun) by just simply flying Highwind around the world. I'll put it just on top of Midgar, I'll try to 'park' it in the empty lot where the rocket used to be in Rocket Town, I'll hover it just over the Northern Crater, I'll see how fast I can get from one end of the map to another, I'll fly on the sea just to see the little spray that the airship creates over water, I'll point the Highwind in the direction that Sister Ray in Midgar is facing and see if it really can hit Northern Crater. And of course, I remember chasing Ultima Weapon on it. And, knocking into Ruby Weapon. And, knocking into the Northern Crater's barrier before Sister Ray shot it. *BANG*
Inside the Highwind, you will find the meeting room where you will find the most used save point in the game. You will also find Yuffie getting airsick and asking you to give her all your materia once its all over. There's also the chocobo corner where you can store your favourite chocobo! Inside the cockpit you will find the rest of the gang and 2 crewmen who are always busy and panicking and if you talk to one, he will make an error in whatever he was doing. But of course, the most important person in the Highwind is the pilot, who will level up and become only a full-fledged pilot when you reach the final confrontation stage and then he will open turbo for the Highwind. (even up till today I can't decide if I like the Highwind with or without the turbo)
And of course, the Highwind was the backdrop for the most romantic scene in FFVII. Who can forget that?
Dang, I am missing FFVII again.
Well, there's not much competition anyway. I don't know any airships from pre-FFVII and from FFIX onwards, the airships have practically disappeared. I don't know why, so don't ask me. They still have airships, but you can no longer control them like how you can in FFVII and FFVIII.
I remember having fun (and LOTS of fun) by just simply flying Highwind around the world. I'll put it just on top of Midgar, I'll try to 'park' it in the empty lot where the rocket used to be in Rocket Town, I'll hover it just over the Northern Crater, I'll see how fast I can get from one end of the map to another, I'll fly on the sea just to see the little spray that the airship creates over water, I'll point the Highwind in the direction that Sister Ray in Midgar is facing and see if it really can hit Northern Crater. And of course, I remember chasing Ultima Weapon on it. And, knocking into Ruby Weapon. And, knocking into the Northern Crater's barrier before Sister Ray shot it. *BANG*
Inside the Highwind, you will find the meeting room where you will find the most used save point in the game. You will also find Yuffie getting airsick and asking you to give her all your materia once its all over. There's also the chocobo corner where you can store your favourite chocobo! Inside the cockpit you will find the rest of the gang and 2 crewmen who are always busy and panicking and if you talk to one, he will make an error in whatever he was doing. But of course, the most important person in the Highwind is the pilot, who will level up and become only a full-fledged pilot when you reach the final confrontation stage and then he will open turbo for the Highwind. (even up till today I can't decide if I like the Highwind with or without the turbo)
And of course, the Highwind was the backdrop for the most romantic scene in FFVII. Who can forget that?
Dang, I am missing FFVII again.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Past Present Future
Basically a brief summary of what I've been doing, what I'm doing, and what I will have to be doing.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
The Journey To Seek
A man goes on a journey to seek god. The man does not want to just believe. He wants to find god even if he knows he will never find him. People around him tells him not to. They say it's too dangerous. They say he should just believe. "You will never find god, you can only believe!" They try their best to pursuade him. "Stay here, just stay here. Don't go out there, you'll never find what you want."
He goes on a journey to seek god. There is a rumour going on. The rumour says god can be found in Logic. He goes to Logic. Such a journey takes him miles and miles away from home. Some of his friends at home say he's lost forever. Lost on a journey to Logic. He reaches Logic, and finds no god. God does not stay here.
He goes on a journey to seek god. There is another rumour: On the top of Mt. Reason, you will find the almighty. He goes. He climbs and he climbs. He gave Mt. Reason all that he has. At last, he reaches the summit. He finds no god. God does not stay here.
He goes on a journey to seek god. And yet there is another rumour. In the city of Evidence! That's where you will find him! So says the rumour. He goes. He picks up all the clues, little hints here and there. And at last, he reaches the city, and yet, he finds no god. God does not stay here.
He goes on a journey to seek god. But he finds no god. He returns to his hometown, and the townsmen made fun of him. "Look, back from his wonderful journey! Have you found god? Tell us the logic, show us your reason and present your evidence. We told you that you'll never find him."
The man went on a journey to seek god. But he never found him. He should never find him. If he did find god, then god wouldn't be God. He did not find God, but he found why he could believe in God.
The man went on a journey to seek God, didn't find God, but found faith instead. Now he knows what he does not know. It's not blind faith, because he knows where to place his belief in. Not in Logic. Not in Mt. Reason. Not in the city of Evidence. Not in his hometown Religion. He places in belief only on God, because that's the only thing he couldn't find.
The people at his hometown says he has wasted his time because he had went on a journey and came back to where he was. But that's not the case. At least for him, he has went to Logic, Mt. Reason and the city of Evidence. He may not have returned with the answer. But he has returned with the experience of the journey.
"Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving." - Terry Pratchett
He goes on a journey to seek god. There is a rumour going on. The rumour says god can be found in Logic. He goes to Logic. Such a journey takes him miles and miles away from home. Some of his friends at home say he's lost forever. Lost on a journey to Logic. He reaches Logic, and finds no god. God does not stay here.
He goes on a journey to seek god. There is another rumour: On the top of Mt. Reason, you will find the almighty. He goes. He climbs and he climbs. He gave Mt. Reason all that he has. At last, he reaches the summit. He finds no god. God does not stay here.
He goes on a journey to seek god. And yet there is another rumour. In the city of Evidence! That's where you will find him! So says the rumour. He goes. He picks up all the clues, little hints here and there. And at last, he reaches the city, and yet, he finds no god. God does not stay here.
He goes on a journey to seek god. But he finds no god. He returns to his hometown, and the townsmen made fun of him. "Look, back from his wonderful journey! Have you found god? Tell us the logic, show us your reason and present your evidence. We told you that you'll never find him."
The man went on a journey to seek god. But he never found him. He should never find him. If he did find god, then god wouldn't be God. He did not find God, but he found why he could believe in God.
The man went on a journey to seek God, didn't find God, but found faith instead. Now he knows what he does not know. It's not blind faith, because he knows where to place his belief in. Not in Logic. Not in Mt. Reason. Not in the city of Evidence. Not in his hometown Religion. He places in belief only on God, because that's the only thing he couldn't find.
The people at his hometown says he has wasted his time because he had went on a journey and came back to where he was. But that's not the case. At least for him, he has went to Logic, Mt. Reason and the city of Evidence. He may not have returned with the answer. But he has returned with the experience of the journey.
"Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving." - Terry Pratchett
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Decisions. Decisions. (on serving the local church)
“Do you have any desire to be YCG leader?”
“Er... no. I don’t think so.”
“WHAT?!” *grabs chair to whack me* (jokingly of course)
“Er, I have many thoughts which are really controversial to the religion, which I don’t think is appropriate and might be stumbling.”
“It’s ok. I also have controversial thoughts what, remember I talked to you all about casino? (which he did) Also very controversial what. (not that controversial actually)”
“Aiya... I’ll go home and think about it...”
And I SHALL think about it. And I shall be straightforward. And I shall use plain English.
There are obviously many reasons why I don’t want to step into the YCG leader ministry. The main reason being how I have been disillusioned and disappointed with some leaders whom I have worked with in the past.
I always wonder why some leaders just refuse to work together for a common goal. (if we are doing this for God, shouldn't we be doing this for God together?) This region event has been most sobering. Leaders whom I asked to act for the drama just simply refuse to. Reasons: Not free (even though he/she finished A’Levels and is like super free), Don’t feel like it, Don’t know how to act (and don’t want to learn, obviously). And yet, when they talk, they act as if they are doing oh so much for the ministry, that the ministry is taking up SO much of their time. I don’t know what to call this.
And then there’s this thing about myself. In my quest to explore religion and its truths, I somehow detached myself from the religion itself (but not backslide) and now I just can’t buy everything the pastors say simply because I am a Christian and have to be a good boy. This detachment came naturally, but only because I was seeking to be objective about the things I think and write. And because of this detachment, things like “Because God says so” or “Because we really can’t understand God’s ways anyway” or “Even Jesus didn’t know why He died” sounds very weak excuses to be ignorant about loops holes and imperfections. I have become a little too critical, and the bad part is that I don’t see anything bad about it.
I am someone who never believed in “ministry”. Because to me, a Christian’s ministry is in living his/her life. Ministry in church is something I call ‘recognized ministry’. That means it is something that you do for God and people recognize you for it. Sometimes, people take recognized ministry more importantly than their life ministry, which makes them a little of a hypocrite and I don’t want that to happen to me.
So that’s going to be why I probably won’t want to join the YCG leaders ministry. But I said I will think about it, so I have to think about why I should join the YCG leaders ministry. There’s always the flip side to the coin, so let’s flip it.
This took me awhile, and I had to talk to a few friends.
“God doesn’t just call people to be leaders. He sometimes calls people to be leaders of leaders.”
While discussing with a friend, this sentence struck me. Not because I am so egoistic that I want to be a leader of the leaders, but because it really coincided with my vision for the YCG ministry.
Personally, I really want my region’s leaders to improve themselves, to put their effort and heart into producing quality work, to be true to themselves, to put their heart and soul into the ministry. However, I really am not achieving much by being an armchair critic and always talking bad about them. If I want change, I have to be the agent of change, I have to lead the change that I want to see in the people I want to change.
And that was the reason why Jeff and I got ourselves to be involved in the planning of the region event anyway. Because we got sick of last minute preparation, rushed work and poor performance. Because we wanted to see the leaders change and realise that being efficient is possible. If this event itself is not enough to stir them, then being a leader myself probably might.
But what of my thoughts and ideas to pursue greater understanding and truths? Am I to abandon them for the sake of having a halo on my head? I don’t think so. In fact, if I think that the pursuit of greater understanding and truths is a good thing, why am I so afraid of it if I become a leader? If it is ultimately a good thing, why can’t I teach people to pursue greater understanding and truths as well?
Becoming a leader doesn’t mean that I have to be like some of the bad ones whom I always have something against (and this is just my perception. Sometimes I just don't see enough to know that some people are really doing things that I do not get to see.) If I do, then that would defeat the purpose of joining the ministry in the first place, isn’t it? I can just be myself. Nobody said that I had to change the way I do things when I become a leader.
And then there are the commitments that I have to think about. School and training is really taking up a big bulk of my time already. And I don’t even know how much time the ministry will take from me. But really, time and commitments are the least important things to think about; because I believe that if I want to do something, I can always make time for it.
Only when I become a leader am I qualified to comment on other leaders, because only then can I say that I’ve “been there and done that”. Currently, it is very easy for other people to say, “aiya, you also not leader how you know what we leaders go through?” And there is truth in this. Often, I do feel that it is a tad unfair when I comment about the leaders without ever really understanding what they have to do.
And on the more biblical side, I do feel a little like Jonah when I think through this. Not because I fear being eaten by a giant fish when I go canoe training in MacRitchie, but because I am a little like Jonah when God calls him to Nineveh. Jonah refuses to go to Nineveh at first, and I can identify with how he must be feeling and what he must be thinking. “Aiya, is it even my fault that those people are screwing themselves up? Why must I be the one to go in there and make the change?”
God’s method really is man. If God has called Jonah to warn Nineveh of their impending doom, and was bothered enough to send a fish to get Jonah to do it; what about me? How can I turn my back and say no? How can I push it to somebody else?
It isn't just about me. Being in the ministry, or not, affects the people around me as well. Most directly, my own YCG. What will happen to them? Ton is a leader whom I respect, for his dedication and willingness to sacrifice. He is the one who has given so much of his time and money to get things done in the YCG. Its a pretty big pair of shoes to fill, actually.
How about teaching them? I haven't done it before. But really, that's no excuse. I've never been a person who say I can't do something just because I haven't done it before. Yet, I sometimes feel that I could easily teach the wrong thing. Because how I understand some things could really differ from another, or the given intepretation, even if I have a lesson plan on my hand.
And what if I don't take this up? I am surely going to disappoint pastor if I reject him in the face. And sometimes, I respect him too much to do that. Besides, I know that he too has a vision for the leaders to buck themselves up, to inspire others and to take more initiative. (well, I heard it straight from his mouth) He has a plan, and am I going to say no and make it hard for him? I don't think I am really prepared to do that.
How about my current assistant and soon-to-be leader Bernice? Am I going to leave to her by herself once Ton leaves, which I believe he will regardless of whether I take up the position or not. Isn't that being a little irresponsible? Just simply refusing to do the job because I didn't feel like it? Even if it's not just because I didn't feel like it, even if I have some reasons (which I currently think suffice more of being only excuses instead of reasons), it is still irresponsible. It's hard for her to do this alone, and I know it because I've been in this YCG for 5 years.
What of my friends? What of my Sunday lunch groupie? I know it seems so unimportant, but I've always regarded Sunday lunch as something important to me. It's like this little enclave after church, whereby anyone can join. It's for people who has friends in the YCG leader ministry, who has music practice to go to, who has rehearsals blah blah blah. It's so you won't have to wait alone, it's so you'll have company, so you can meet more friends and know more people. And I will miss them if I do join the ministry.
Ultimately, even if all my own reasonings don't matter because they don't seem convincing enough even to myself, I have to think about who am I going to do this for. I know I am going to do this for God, that's a given fact. But I can do a hundred and one other things for God. I think, if I ever do this, that I have to do it for the people that I care for. I can't do or not do it simply because I have such and such problems with myself, or because I have so and so reason. If I decide not to do it because I have issues with myself, or issues with other people, or because I don't feel like, it just seems so selfish. If the people around me feel that I am up to the job, why can't I just give myself a chance?
It's all about trying, isn't it? Why am I so afraid of failures? Aren't we all here to learn together?
Give it your best, try everything you can and then see what happens. It's always better to regret doing something than to regret not doing something.
“Er... no. I don’t think so.”
“WHAT?!” *grabs chair to whack me* (jokingly of course)
“Er, I have many thoughts which are really controversial to the religion, which I don’t think is appropriate and might be stumbling.”
“It’s ok. I also have controversial thoughts what, remember I talked to you all about casino? (which he did) Also very controversial what. (not that controversial actually)”
“Aiya... I’ll go home and think about it...”
And I SHALL think about it. And I shall be straightforward. And I shall use plain English.
There are obviously many reasons why I don’t want to step into the YCG leader ministry. The main reason being how I have been disillusioned and disappointed with some leaders whom I have worked with in the past.
I always wonder why some leaders just refuse to work together for a common goal. (if we are doing this for God, shouldn't we be doing this for God together?) This region event has been most sobering. Leaders whom I asked to act for the drama just simply refuse to. Reasons: Not free (even though he/she finished A’Levels and is like super free), Don’t feel like it, Don’t know how to act (and don’t want to learn, obviously). And yet, when they talk, they act as if they are doing oh so much for the ministry, that the ministry is taking up SO much of their time. I don’t know what to call this.
And then there’s this thing about myself. In my quest to explore religion and its truths, I somehow detached myself from the religion itself (but not backslide) and now I just can’t buy everything the pastors say simply because I am a Christian and have to be a good boy. This detachment came naturally, but only because I was seeking to be objective about the things I think and write. And because of this detachment, things like “Because God says so” or “Because we really can’t understand God’s ways anyway” or “Even Jesus didn’t know why He died” sounds very weak excuses to be ignorant about loops holes and imperfections. I have become a little too critical, and the bad part is that I don’t see anything bad about it.
I am someone who never believed in “ministry”. Because to me, a Christian’s ministry is in living his/her life. Ministry in church is something I call ‘recognized ministry’. That means it is something that you do for God and people recognize you for it. Sometimes, people take recognized ministry more importantly than their life ministry, which makes them a little of a hypocrite and I don’t want that to happen to me.
So that’s going to be why I probably won’t want to join the YCG leaders ministry. But I said I will think about it, so I have to think about why I should join the YCG leaders ministry. There’s always the flip side to the coin, so let’s flip it.
This took me awhile, and I had to talk to a few friends.
“God doesn’t just call people to be leaders. He sometimes calls people to be leaders of leaders.”
While discussing with a friend, this sentence struck me. Not because I am so egoistic that I want to be a leader of the leaders, but because it really coincided with my vision for the YCG ministry.
Personally, I really want my region’s leaders to improve themselves, to put their effort and heart into producing quality work, to be true to themselves, to put their heart and soul into the ministry. However, I really am not achieving much by being an armchair critic and always talking bad about them. If I want change, I have to be the agent of change, I have to lead the change that I want to see in the people I want to change.
And that was the reason why Jeff and I got ourselves to be involved in the planning of the region event anyway. Because we got sick of last minute preparation, rushed work and poor performance. Because we wanted to see the leaders change and realise that being efficient is possible. If this event itself is not enough to stir them, then being a leader myself probably might.
But what of my thoughts and ideas to pursue greater understanding and truths? Am I to abandon them for the sake of having a halo on my head? I don’t think so. In fact, if I think that the pursuit of greater understanding and truths is a good thing, why am I so afraid of it if I become a leader? If it is ultimately a good thing, why can’t I teach people to pursue greater understanding and truths as well?
Becoming a leader doesn’t mean that I have to be like some of the bad ones whom I always have something against (and this is just my perception. Sometimes I just don't see enough to know that some people are really doing things that I do not get to see.) If I do, then that would defeat the purpose of joining the ministry in the first place, isn’t it? I can just be myself. Nobody said that I had to change the way I do things when I become a leader.
And then there are the commitments that I have to think about. School and training is really taking up a big bulk of my time already. And I don’t even know how much time the ministry will take from me. But really, time and commitments are the least important things to think about; because I believe that if I want to do something, I can always make time for it.
Only when I become a leader am I qualified to comment on other leaders, because only then can I say that I’ve “been there and done that”. Currently, it is very easy for other people to say, “aiya, you also not leader how you know what we leaders go through?” And there is truth in this. Often, I do feel that it is a tad unfair when I comment about the leaders without ever really understanding what they have to do.
And on the more biblical side, I do feel a little like Jonah when I think through this. Not because I fear being eaten by a giant fish when I go canoe training in MacRitchie, but because I am a little like Jonah when God calls him to Nineveh. Jonah refuses to go to Nineveh at first, and I can identify with how he must be feeling and what he must be thinking. “Aiya, is it even my fault that those people are screwing themselves up? Why must I be the one to go in there and make the change?”
God’s method really is man. If God has called Jonah to warn Nineveh of their impending doom, and was bothered enough to send a fish to get Jonah to do it; what about me? How can I turn my back and say no? How can I push it to somebody else?
It isn't just about me. Being in the ministry, or not, affects the people around me as well. Most directly, my own YCG. What will happen to them? Ton is a leader whom I respect, for his dedication and willingness to sacrifice. He is the one who has given so much of his time and money to get things done in the YCG. Its a pretty big pair of shoes to fill, actually.
How about teaching them? I haven't done it before. But really, that's no excuse. I've never been a person who say I can't do something just because I haven't done it before. Yet, I sometimes feel that I could easily teach the wrong thing. Because how I understand some things could really differ from another, or the given intepretation, even if I have a lesson plan on my hand.
And what if I don't take this up? I am surely going to disappoint pastor if I reject him in the face. And sometimes, I respect him too much to do that. Besides, I know that he too has a vision for the leaders to buck themselves up, to inspire others and to take more initiative. (well, I heard it straight from his mouth) He has a plan, and am I going to say no and make it hard for him? I don't think I am really prepared to do that.
How about my current assistant and soon-to-be leader Bernice? Am I going to leave to her by herself once Ton leaves, which I believe he will regardless of whether I take up the position or not. Isn't that being a little irresponsible? Just simply refusing to do the job because I didn't feel like it? Even if it's not just because I didn't feel like it, even if I have some reasons (which I currently think suffice more of being only excuses instead of reasons), it is still irresponsible. It's hard for her to do this alone, and I know it because I've been in this YCG for 5 years.
What of my friends? What of my Sunday lunch groupie? I know it seems so unimportant, but I've always regarded Sunday lunch as something important to me. It's like this little enclave after church, whereby anyone can join. It's for people who has friends in the YCG leader ministry, who has music practice to go to, who has rehearsals blah blah blah. It's so you won't have to wait alone, it's so you'll have company, so you can meet more friends and know more people. And I will miss them if I do join the ministry.
Ultimately, even if all my own reasonings don't matter because they don't seem convincing enough even to myself, I have to think about who am I going to do this for. I know I am going to do this for God, that's a given fact. But I can do a hundred and one other things for God. I think, if I ever do this, that I have to do it for the people that I care for. I can't do or not do it simply because I have such and such problems with myself, or because I have so and so reason. If I decide not to do it because I have issues with myself, or issues with other people, or because I don't feel like, it just seems so selfish. If the people around me feel that I am up to the job, why can't I just give myself a chance?
It's all about trying, isn't it? Why am I so afraid of failures? Aren't we all here to learn together?
Give it your best, try everything you can and then see what happens. It's always better to regret doing something than to regret not doing something.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
At the wake.
What can we do when we sit down around the table? A plate of sweets and packets of drinks are offered to us. Paper plate, little packets of sweets that you won't eat anywhere else other than on these occasions. I open one, and I put it in my mouth. My packet of drink does not come with a straw.
What can we talk about? My mind was a blank. It drifts away while the hard sweet dissolves in my mouth. Nobody knows what to say. Nobody knows what to ask. On one side, there's a conversation about university admission. On the other, they talk about something else which I can't remember. A few people shift their seats because cigarette smoke was too close for comfort.
How is he feeling? I cannot even begin to fathom the hurt, grief, regret, and all the thousand other emotions that must be pounding his heart. It is too much for me, I will never understand because I have not experience such a loss. Grandfather/grandmother, yes. But one's own father, no. All I could manage was, "It must be really difficult to lose a father..."
It doesn't matter how he died. It doesn't matter if he was a Christian or did he accept Christ before he died. All that mattered to me was that he is somebody's father, and that he has passed away.
I don't know him very well. I've only spoken to him probably once or twice, met him on Heart.Sports. He probably don't even know me. He might recognise my face, but he won't know my name. Yet, I can't stop thinking about how he must be controlling his emotions, how he is still forcing himself to accept the fact that his father is not with him anymore, how he must be denying it all and wishing it was all just a very very bad dream.
I can't help but think about how close our age is with each other. I'm 22, and he's only 21. Yet, he had to go through this. It's too much. It's really too much. If this happened to me, I... I don't even know how I will handle it.
I remember when my grandmother passed away. That was a long long time ago. My mother and my aunties all seemed very normal at the wake. I was too young to know it back then, but on hindsight, they must have all been in denial. They must be hoping that it was a bad dream, and that if they played along with the dream, things might change. I know this because when they realised that it was not a dream, at the cremation, when they realised that it was the last time they would see their mother, they cried their eyes out.
What can we talk about? My mind was a blank. It drifts away while the hard sweet dissolves in my mouth. Nobody knows what to say. Nobody knows what to ask. On one side, there's a conversation about university admission. On the other, they talk about something else which I can't remember. A few people shift their seats because cigarette smoke was too close for comfort.
How is he feeling? I cannot even begin to fathom the hurt, grief, regret, and all the thousand other emotions that must be pounding his heart. It is too much for me, I will never understand because I have not experience such a loss. Grandfather/grandmother, yes. But one's own father, no. All I could manage was, "It must be really difficult to lose a father..."
It doesn't matter how he died. It doesn't matter if he was a Christian or did he accept Christ before he died. All that mattered to me was that he is somebody's father, and that he has passed away.
I don't know him very well. I've only spoken to him probably once or twice, met him on Heart.Sports. He probably don't even know me. He might recognise my face, but he won't know my name. Yet, I can't stop thinking about how he must be controlling his emotions, how he is still forcing himself to accept the fact that his father is not with him anymore, how he must be denying it all and wishing it was all just a very very bad dream.
I can't help but think about how close our age is with each other. I'm 22, and he's only 21. Yet, he had to go through this. It's too much. It's really too much. If this happened to me, I... I don't even know how I will handle it.
I remember when my grandmother passed away. That was a long long time ago. My mother and my aunties all seemed very normal at the wake. I was too young to know it back then, but on hindsight, they must have all been in denial. They must be hoping that it was a bad dream, and that if they played along with the dream, things might change. I know this because when they realised that it was not a dream, at the cremation, when they realised that it was the last time they would see their mother, they cried their eyes out.
Friday, March 05, 2010
Please don't ask me to define Singaporean Literature.
Local writer,
Singaporean,
What do you write about?
What can you write about?
Political constraint,
Lack of freedom,
Why define ourselves like this?
Why rob ourselves of freedom to write?
The HDB flats all look the same,
We lose our identity,
Have we really lost it?
Have we been moulded into one yet?
Please, no.
Take a closer look.
Look into the homes in the HDB flats.
They won't look the same.
They'd have identity.
Think outside the box.
Don't define yourselves.
Not yet, just not yet.
It's still too early to do that.
Fellow writers,
Singaporeans,
Don't write about Singapore,
Write in Singapore.
Singaporean,
What do you write about?
What can you write about?
Political constraint,
Lack of freedom,
Why define ourselves like this?
Why rob ourselves of freedom to write?
The HDB flats all look the same,
We lose our identity,
Have we really lost it?
Have we been moulded into one yet?
Please, no.
Take a closer look.
Look into the homes in the HDB flats.
They won't look the same.
They'd have identity.
Think outside the box.
Don't define yourselves.
Not yet, just not yet.
It's still too early to do that.
Fellow writers,
Singaporeans,
Don't write about Singapore,
Write in Singapore.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
LOL
I was going home on a bus today and there was this secondary school kid next to me typing out an SMS on his phone. Being the Kay-Poh that I am, I went ahead to spy on what he's typing. (I'm like that so don't sit next to me next time, but I don't do that to friends :D) And it went like "Lol lol...."
Immediately, I thought to myself, "Lol lol? Why do you even use 2 LOLs for? Does it even make any sense?" However, I stopped there and did a little reflection, surely I must have typed like that when I was in secondary school. I might not have used 2 LOLs, but surely I have used one.
I wonder when was it that I banned myself from using "LOL" and instead used "HAHA" to represent any form of joy or laughter in a text message. And I wonder why did I choose to ban myself from using "LOL". These memories seem to be fading.
In other news, I paid $9 today just to have a doctor advise me not to run or strain my knee for two weeks. No wonder my parents keep encouraging me to be a doctor when I was young. (although I never become one and probably never will)
And, the weather sucks.
OK, sorry if you were expecting something serious and found this instead.
Immediately, I thought to myself, "Lol lol? Why do you even use 2 LOLs for? Does it even make any sense?" However, I stopped there and did a little reflection, surely I must have typed like that when I was in secondary school. I might not have used 2 LOLs, but surely I have used one.
I wonder when was it that I banned myself from using "LOL" and instead used "HAHA" to represent any form of joy or laughter in a text message. And I wonder why did I choose to ban myself from using "LOL". These memories seem to be fading.
In other news, I paid $9 today just to have a doctor advise me not to run or strain my knee for two weeks. No wonder my parents keep encouraging me to be a doctor when I was young. (although I never become one and probably never will)
And, the weather sucks.
OK, sorry if you were expecting something serious and found this instead.
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