This is the day, this is the day...

It’s been… well, I don’t know how long it has been. It’s been awhile. That’s for sure. I’ve been held up with life. Yes, just life. Living. Doing things and being busy.

Exams were over more than two weeks ago. I celebrated my birthday about two weeks ago. I used up the left over four days of my summer to do I-can’t-remember-what except to eat and to spend my birthday with my girlfriend. I am into the third week of my internship.

I must say, I’ve not had a REAL birthday celebration with someone special in my life. This is a first for me. When I was younger, it’s either we broke up before my birthday, got together after my birthday, or we were simply in school during my birthday. I just never got to celebrate. So I must say I am really happy this year for my 23rd. So here’s a shout out: THANK YOU LOVE FOR THE WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY PLANNED FOR ME. :D

The day after my birthday, I had to report for work. This is the third week of the internship and to say frankly, I haven’t had much to do. Been to a few events, helped with some photo-taking, but I haven’t really gotten down to much writing. Wrote some articles, but they are yet to be published. I’m getting restless.

I miss my life. I miss chilling out and doing nothing and just lazing around in the house. I miss just gaming for an entire day or just simply do whatever I like. I miss sleeping late and waking late and seeing that the world has already moved on and I’m just left behind in my own little space. I miss being by myself in my own space doing my own things.

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I wonder how my results will be like. For the first time since I was matriculated, I’m having this ‘good feeling’ about the results. I’m not sure if this is the first time I’ve felt this in my life, but if I did, they usually end up in some form of disappointment.

I hate to have this ‘good feeling’. I hate it because it has such a high potential of setting up for the greatest disappointment you can ever feel. The greater the ‘good feeling’, the greater the disappointment. And it doesn’t even help one bit to make the final excitement better. It just sets you up for a possible disappointment and it’s unavoidable.

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I’ve finally gotten a PS3 after a year of deciding if I should. I don’t play on it much though, because I simply cannot find the time to. It’s not the job. It really is the church. Just last week alone, I spent 4 out of 5 weekday nights doing church work or being at church.

I spoke to my sister recently about coming back to church (she stopped coming some time back), and she told me that she cannot take how the church just takes up so much of her (our) time. I agreed.

In case you are wondering, Evangel just happens to be a church that is very time- demanding. Some of my friends have left for the greener grass on the other side, and from what I am hearing, the people there enjoy a much more relaxed time. They enjoy worshipping God and coming to church. It’s not an obligation for them. And I don’t know why it is for me (us).

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There are no quick fixes in this world, not even Jesus the Christ my Lord and Saviour Almighty Healer and Forgiver and Lamb and Son of the Great Almighty Omniscient Omnipotent Omnipresent God my Heavenly Father.

This is a problem. So many people come to church looking for a quick fix. Like, I come to church and I accept Jesus Christ as my saviour and I say Amen and I am saved and life is gonna be good and normal and just the way I want it. I am going to be holy and pure and Christian because I said the sinner’s prayer and I eat holy communion once every month and sing worship songs and I pray and I read the bible and I go for devotion and bible study and prayer groups and I reach out to people and teach them about Christ and I get a badge for the most number of souls saved.

Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you.

Christianity and the church are not quick fixes. Everyone in the church is broken. Of course you may want to say there are those more broken than others, but the truth remain that everybody is broken. Spoilt in some warped sense. Everyone has a dark little secret, something that they cannot share with other people, something that they struggle with themselves and cry every time they think about it and compare it with the kind of limitless grace God provides.

I cry a lot when I worship or when I pray. And I hate to do that. I cry only when I think of some crappy thing that I’ve done and I think of how much God grace I require from God. It’s a sense of shame that I feel, not a sense of holiness.

I am as broken as anybody else and righteousness only breaks me more.

*

Charlie went up Candy Mountain because his friends asked him to. He was knocked out and found that a kidney was stolen from him.

He followed his friends again under the sea and was again knocked out and his other kidney stolen.

In the end, he found his kidneys hanging on the Christmas tree.

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Nyan Cat is a cat that nyans. Its body is made of poptart and all it does is cruise through space aimlessly/carelessly.

It goes nyan nyan nyan and creates rainbow in it’s path.

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Neptune didn’t take it too well that Pluto was removed from the solar system.

Dwarf planet. What does that make me now?

Pluto always complained of being last in the list, and now he is the first on another.

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At 2300HRS, you are to commence operation code Delta Charlie Boy Boy at location 012238 Michael. Make sure that you have with you everything on list no. 382710 and that you have prepared accordingly to standard operating procedure no. 8732085. You must understand that according Military Act no. 145 Chapter 2009 Section 49087 Paragraph U, you are required to respond and act only according to the protocol no. 31152. Do you understand, S7398234A?

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If a tree falls in the forest and somebody is there, he would hear it and know that the tree has fallen and that there was indeed a tree.

But if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it fall, did the tree really fall or was there indeed a tree?

Yes it did really fall and there would indeed be a tree because God would be there to see it.

*

I cannot trust myself anymore. I have discovered that I am a product of ideology and brain washing and systems and societal moulding and I do not trust myself anymore. Everything we say or act is a result of the kind of culture that we are exposed to or the kinds of things that we read. It’s not even about exposure anymore. I don’t care if I’ve been to America or North Korea or Japan to be exposed to their culture. Because every single culture that I’m exposed to only add another layer to this ideological product that I am.

I cannot trust myself anymore and there is no escaping this. I do not know who I am and I cannot find any identity in the being that I have become and already am. We laugh at people who simply accept the system that they are presented and we call them under-exposed, immature, unintelligent, not well-read, don’t have their own mindset, brainwashed. But we do not realize that we, us, ourselves, are equally brainwashed into a culture that looks at others as brainwashed.

I am only just a multiple cell organism that has decided that I want to see what it’s like to think. Is it my brain that’s doing the thinking? Or is it my nerves? Or is it me? Or am I just a cell in the body that operates the entire body?

*

Ray is a cell. He is a single cell organism that has been misread. He didn’t evolve, he didn’t combine with other cells. He has all along been a single cell organism who just simply collected other cells to control them.

These other cells are called “body”. As a sort of collective term. People mistake this body as Ray. But really, Ray is just a single cell organism. And he forgot he is.