Maybe it's because we started off with just us. And I expect it to be just us because we started off with just us. It's us who hoped together for ST to go, it's us who got together our dreams, our desires, our expectations and came up with this plan. It's ultimately - our plan. That may sound a little exclusive, I admit, but it's the best reason I could come up with. However... you are right... you are right in saying its okay for him to tag along. You are right in saying that you don't see any reason why we shouldn't let him come aboard... because, I don't see any reason as well.
I am a little surprised at myself even. When you said, "Meng Hui, I thought you would be okay with it one leh!" I really wondered. Yes. I thought I would be okay with it also. But what happened to me? Again, the question - where did all this animosity come from? This thing... monster... hiding in me, probably with many other monsters, slowly creeping it's way out of my soul. Meng Hui... what happened to the easy going, everything-okay, 爽快 Meng Hui? Maybe maybe...
What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.
- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
Maybe Shakespeare was wrong. Maybe everything is in a name. Maybe I wasn't Meng Hui when I reacted like that, maybe I wasn't Don either. Maybe... I was another person altogether. Maybe that's why I feel uncomfortable when people who used to call me Don called me Meng Hui and those who call me Meng Hui calls me Don. And then I... I don't know what to call this 'other' person. This other identity.
I don't know. This is really killing me. I feel like I'm getting torn into two. Maybe not into two. I just... don't feel myself. But then again, who is "myself" to start with? Is it the identity I assumed and am now performing? Is my identity the one that I am acting, or the one that I am an actor? I want to just peel myself down to the core like an onion and scream at what I will find "JUST WHO ON EARTH ARE YOU?!", scream at myself, scream at... nothing.
What am I but identities? A mish-mash of identities? Rings after rings of performance onion. You strip it down and you will find more rings of performance, of acting and more and more and more. You think you can find the true onion in the core, but no. You, I, all I find is just more rings, more rings, and when i reach the centre, emptiness stare at me. Silence. Who am I but performance onion rings?
"But how come you don't let him come along but let her tag along?" I don't know. Okay? I don't know. I really really don't know. Don't ask me, ask him, the other me. He should know. He should know very well. If you ask me, I will just tell you that I also won't let her tag along, because we planned this as a group and this is "our plan". It's exclusive. But then again... she's different.. from him...
Maybe it's how he likes to put himself on a moral highground. Maybe it's how she's always willing to listen to my rather unconventional and controversial views and then tells me how she thought about the same thing and really comforts me in telling me that it's alright and it's human and how she teaches me how to live my christian life alongside these thoughts. Maybe it's how he's so over-enthusiastic at times (but what's wrong with being over-enthusiastic?) Maybe it's... I don't know. They are just different.
I'm sorry if I acted weird. I'm sorry if I looked really grumpy. I really thank all of you for your concerns, and for planning this trip together. I love all of you. I'm feeling okay now. I just hope everything will just turn out well. I thank God for all of you friends. Let's get these essays and exams over and done with and then we can enjoy Taiwan 110%! :D
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