The Gray

I've been feeling like a rebel these days, constantly thinking about stuff that would put prompt the pastors to invite me for coffee after church. And I can't explain these feelings. Is it because I am too free, too idle, too much time to let my thoughts wander when I stare at the white and blue above me? I do not know. But I'm certainly not becoming the christian that a christian should be. Maybe I was never meant to be. I remember I was so excited to join a ministry, waiting for THE calling, but got none. I gave up eventually. Maybe He knew better. Maybe He knew it was going to come down to this. Could this be the start of my backslide? Worse, could this be the start of my christian rebellion?

Before I carry on any further, here's a little DISCLAIMER. What is going to unfold in this post can be VERY STUMBLING depending on how you choose to intepret it. If you think you can't handle the heat, CLOSE THE PAGE NOW.

Black 'n' White Christmas is happening in a week's time, and I've been thinking about black and white, and gray.

I always have a fascination for hero-villains, because they really represent the reality of our being. No one is really pure good nor pure evil (reason why I get turned off by Superman and not Batman), and if you expound on this in greater depth, good and evil are merely perceptions based on concepts developed by the people within and without. Everybody really is gray, if you want to put a colour to them.

Only recently, I was introduced to the greatest hero-villain of all, the devil Satan himself in Paradise Lost by John Milton. In the first Canto, Satan was banished from Heaven because of his sins, everyone knows this. But the Canto's protagonist, the hero is Satan, rather than God. And in this Canto, Satan and his minions tries to reason, and tries to rebuild their lives while in Hell. The story itself has its own significance, but what really strikes me is the fact Satan is the hero, or rather, hero-villain as later Cantos develop.

Paradise Lost was commented on by a couple of writers. William Blake claimed that John Milton was sympathetic towards Satan and thus making a Satan sympathiser. But really, is everything that black and white as the Bible tries to tell us? That there are only 2 sides. That God is good, Satan is evil, God is here to save you from Satan, Satan is here to harm you, period.

Sometimes I wonder, is Satan really all that evil? Could what he is doing merely be a reaction towards what God has done to him? Could Satan simply be the one that just "had to take the blame"?

I do not know what really happened on the cosmic level. I do not have the capacity to know. And I do not want to comment or even attempt to comment on such things before people start calling me blasphemous and start hurling rocks at me (or their own computer screens when reading this). But I know what is going on at our mortal level. I know that if someone has been doing bad stuff, it is Satan who caused him to do it, and if someone is doing good stuff, God must have been guiding him. You can choose to believe that, but I just feel that things are actually really gray.

Welcome back to the world of "perception". You see, what we know as "good" and "evil" is really dependent on how we perceive good and evil. For example, if I've been brought up in an environment whereby people believe that stealing is a good thing, I might just believe that stealing is a good thing, and not a bad thing as how the society might see it. Its a silly example, but its straightforward. Even in real life, it is easy to see how perceptions work to cause different beliefs in people. Ever wondered why no one in North Korea is revolting against communism despite of how almost the entire world is pointing fingers at its policies? In the film "The Village", different rules define whats good and whats sin and these rules differ from our society. Novel by Sheri Reynolds, The Rapture of Canaan, preaches the exact same thing when the simple cutting of hair or wearing of pants was considered sin and yet they naively encourages boys and girls to pray together privately, leading up to erhem... you know. (and for your information, this novel opened my eyes to how screwed up religion could become)

That said, its probably impossible to start and define what is wrong and what is right, what is black and what is white. Thats simply because these things can never come under any definition. These things are subjective. Are you going to use laws to define them? But gay marriage could be illegal one day and legal the next! Nothing is set, and we shouldn't begin to start the finger pointing when someone "sins". Do we know why they did it? Do we know how they were brought up? Do we know if it was REALLY their fault? Do we know if they knew it was wrong to do it?

When you really want to think about it, have you ever wondered why everything in the Bible is written from God's, from prophets' and from apostles' points of view? How has it affected our own perception? Of course I am not asking you to abandon the Bible and your faith, but its just really a point for one to ponder. When you think it through, it could very well strengthen your faith and provides you a deeper understanding of your own faith in God!

But of course, I am not an advocate of the devil now nor am I condoning crimes and sins, lies and murders, theft and what not you've got on your "do not try" list. These things are bad, yes, they harm others. But as the Jesus famously puts it, take the plank from your own eye before you remove the speck from other's. Do you not lie, murder (Jesus says you've done it in your head) or steal from people? But OF COURSE you have a reason, you've got an explanation, you've got a bid for forgiveness, you've got your perception to consider. How about the one you are pointing your finger at, then? Aren't we all as gray as we can be?