A reflection upon the state of things

The toughest semester in my education history - three level 400 modules, mostly with intense group work and difficult content - has come an end. As I finish my final paper in the exam hall, a staff at the university comes along to every table to scrape off the sticker indicating the table number - truly, my final paper was in the final time slot of the exam season.

My girlfriend is overseas with her family in Europe, and she has been away since 1 December. 25 days in the  Old World winter; this might very well be longest time we spend apart from each other. But well. She updates me everyday about this and that, and I pretty much can come to the conclusion that she is happy, which makes me feel better. Funny thing though, she goes to London to have Asian food. Some weird habit on the side of her family if you ask me. But well, I guess there is something special about Asian food in the West - popular culture is always so obsessed with this thing called the "Chinese Takeaway". Well I know what Chinese food, but I don't know how a "Chinese Takeaway" is like. So.

The end of the exams doesn't give me any form of respite either. No rest until the after Christmas I suppose. In actual fact, I have not had a good rest since... last year I suppose. Since I was in Vietnam. That is almost a year ago already. Sigh. Time really flies at the speed of... time. Since I returned from Vietnam, it has been like School - Church - Exam - Church - Internship - Internship - Church - School - Exam. And now that exam has ended, when everybody says "Hooray its BREAK time!", guess what's lined up for me? If you guessed anything other than "Church", you deserve a good knock in the head. I don't know how I'm going to get any break at this rate. Or maybe my life will be like this - one good break a year. Heck, even the people WORKING in the church get better work-life balance than people VOLUNTEERING in the church. But I ain't complaining.

I guess this is what volunteerism is all about. Some times I really wonder to myself, "is it worth it?" I mean, really, volunteering at the church (well you can call it ministry or anything, but its volunteering) isn't really very rewarding in the rather tangible or recognisable sense. Defenders of the Faith are probably going to come shoot me with their machine guns of "You do it for God" or "Your reward is in Heaven" kind of argument, but argh. Come on, I've been a Christian for nearly 10 years now - you think I don't know the line of argument?

I'm not even saying that such theology is wrong. Heck, if volunteering at church isn't about rewards in Heaven and about God, what can it be about? All I'm saying is that such volunteerism ain't easy. It's difficult because some times I don't know what the heck I'm doing it for. I look at my friends who volunteer for some non-profit organisation helping the needy or the elderly or whoever, and they get recognised by organsiations, and they can put it onto their resume to get good jobs and scholarships, and it seems that their work is SO MEANINGFUL as well; then I think to myself - I'm putting in the same number of hours and effort, but who the heck puts "Volunteer at the church" in their resume, and who even cares about your volunteer work in the church. Who's going to care if I'm a YCG leader or not when I'm looking for opportunities after my graduation?

In other words, what do my efforts in volunteering for the church translate to?

I honestly cannot have an answer for this. I've been trying to work it out for myself. There are times when I say that I do it for the members under my care - I've formed a bond with them and they are my friends, so its kind of an ass thing to do to just back out on them now. Then there are also times when I say that I do it for God's blessing - I've always believed that my life has been blessed tremendously by God, and that my faithfulness is rewarded in the form of peace and rather good grades. These are the times when I hold extremely firm to the verse "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." (Matthew 6:33). Then there are times when I feel defeated by the very mission that I am working for.

My church is going through some sort of transition phase right now. Structures are being changed, new ministries are coming on board and the leadership is taking on a different direction in several areas. I've heard  of major changes in several ministries and there are many who aren't happy with the leadership at all. I don't know about other ministries which I am not involved in, but the Youth Leadership Ministry (of which I am a part of) is going through some sort of weeding phase.

Weeding phase. Cynical, but that's exactly what it is. We were involved in some sort of meeting with the lead pastor, and basically the take-away was "if you don't think you can commit to the ministry, then please leave. If you think you can, please commit." It sounds harsh, but I personally felt that it was a very fair thing to ask of us. The entire youth ministry has become bogged down by leaders who aren't committed either because the years of commitment has drained them and quenched their fire, or because of the haphazard recruitment of half-ready leaders because there was a major lack of manpower. Whatever the reason is, people who aren't committed affect others. Negativity is contagious. And if we wanna make a fresh start for the farm, some weeding is absolutely necessary.

So I was given a choice. Leave or stay. Even though it was my exam period, I gave some thought to it. It was quite a struggle, really. I was honestly very tempted to leave. But when I looked at the leaders whom I work with, and the members in my community group, and my life's blessings from God through my education, I felt a very strong conviction that Matthew 6:33 holds very true. So through the conviction of this verse, I decided to say to myself, "Ah what the heck. Let's just stick through with it and see what happens."

Unfortunately I haven't convinced myself beyond that. I still feel a sense of tiredness about the ministry. It's the kind of ministry that really takes a lot out of you. I mean, I only just finished my exams two days ago and they want me to start planning for a series of consecutive events for Christmas. It's difficult, and I feel pretty burnt out.

I guess the issue here isn't really about commitment. It's really to simplistic to just put an ultimatum on the leaders and ask them to decide if they want to commit or to quit. Seriously, I don't think it works like this. Somebody seems to be trying a sort of quick fix to the sticky situation that we are in. Weeding is one thing, but something needs to be done with the kind of commitment that we are all signed up for too. The church expects a lot from the people serving in it; that puts a lot of stress on the people doing volunteer work for the church.

Some sort of understanding need to be struck between the church and its volunteers. A two-way communication channel AND environment should be available for open feedback. The system (heck, it's a system even if you don't recognise it as one) has to be softer and flexible, with more space for people to find it easier to fit themselves into places where they can perform at a more optimum rate. Something should be done to keep the volunteers encouraged and passionate for their ministry. Some sort of rest or break should be planned for the volunteers (and I'm not saying those kinds of "break" whereby there is no YCG for the week but we STILL need to plan for something ahead). I don't know all the solutions to this sticky situation, but more needs to be done if we want to see positive changes in the new year.

Help us to find a reason why we should serve with more of our heart and our effort and our time. If there is anything the church is for, it is to encourage its workers and volunteers to keep their hearts on fire for God, and not to discourage them through difficult human resource policies.

Help us to believe in Matthew 6:33, not tell us to believe in it.

The Contract

It was the year 2050. The Society for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (SETA) had garnered huge support against the slaughtering of cattle for food, and was placing  huge pressure on policy makers to ban the slaughter of cattle for food. Everyday, supporters lobbied and protested, and the government found themselves in a tight spot.

The thing was this - the government officials loved meat. And the person-in-charge of handling this issue with SETA was himself a huge meat lover. He couldn't imagine a society without any beef. He loved his steak the most, T-bone, Rib-eye, Sirloin, anything. But he was under immense pressure. What couldhe do? If SETA continued to put pressure like this, there would be no more beef in the country, or even the world! Many people would suffer, and many jobs would be lost as slaughterhouses closed down. He was at his wits' end.

While thinking about it in his office library, he stumbled upon a book about the founding history of a certain city state in the late 1800s. And all of a sudden, he had an idea. It was almost an eureka moment for him as he dashed out of his office to gather his colleagues and discussed his plan with them.

The next day, several people spotted a group of government officials bringing a huge and majestic looking bull into a building. However, they were not able to see what happened in the building as the door was quickly shut and there were no windows about. They just sighed to themselves as they believed that this was a group of desperate officials who had kidnapped a bull to satisfy their meat craving in these times of lack.

Nobody took much notice of what happened in that building, and people gradually forgot about it. The following week, everyone was surprised when the same group of government officials brought the bull out, as huge and majestic as before, but this time with a crown and a robe around it. It was one of the most bizarre sights anybody had ever seen in their lives. The officials led the bull straight to the supreme court and made an announcement in front of the judge.

"This bull here is the King of All Cattle, and he has decided to make an agreement with us humans."

The people who were at the scene were bewildered. Sure, this bull looked kingly enough, but since when was there a king of all cattle? Some were very skeptical.

"Where did this bull come from? How can you prove to us that this is the King of All Cattle?" a man in the crowd shouted in question.

Many people were gathering around the scene now, and it was getting rather chaotic. The judge asked everyone to quieten down.

"Well, well. The people are right. You have to prove that this bull is indeed the King of All Cattle before any sort of agreement can be made on behalf of all cattle with the humans," the judge said rather wisely. He was very much amused himself at what was happening. And he was a hardcore meat lover.

"Alright. Here's a document stating his lineage and his relations with all cattle. It is very clear that he is indeed the King of All Cattle," replied an official as he handed a piece of paper to the judge.

"Well well... this seems quite credible..." muttered the judge as he fingered the document that looked worn out and aged.

Some people from SETA arrived, and were extremely furious at what was happening.

"What is the meaning of this?! Since when has there been any form of lineage among cattle?! This is all a fraud!" they shouted in anger. Some of them tried to push through the crowd but were stopped by the guards.

"Well, I don't see any reason to doubt this document. It looks genuine enough. Why would anyone want to forge a document concerning the lineage of the King of All Cattle?" replied the judge, as he handed the document for keeping. "However, for the sake of fairness, I would like more proof from His Majesty the King, please."

"Of course," said the official coolly.

One of the officials standing near the bull whispered something into its ear, and all of a sudden, the bull perked its ears in attention. Everyone held their breath and their hearts skipped a beat. Then, as if it was the most normal thing in the world, the bull opened its mouth and said the following:

"I am the King of All Cattle. I represent all cattle here today to form a treaty with the humans."

Everyone present was shocked, and some were scared out of their wits and ran away in fear. There was a huge commotion in the crowd. The judge quickly recovered from his own surprise and took control of the situation.

"Well well... erhem, I guess that pretty much settles it. This bull is indeed the King of All Cattle," announced the judge. "So, what kind of treaty are you going to make with the humans, Your Majesty?"

Once again, an official whispered something into the ear of the bull and it perked up again.

"I have come to make an agreement that man can slaughter any number of cattle as long as they keep my species alive and in good number," said the bull.

A person from SETA, upon hearing this, was so outraged that he almost burst with anger on the spot, but he didn't. Instead, he shouted out in protest,

"This is utter bull shit! What kind of bull shit agreement is that?!"

The officials were now feeling rather bullish about the whole situation, and replied in confidence,

"Well, the King of All Cattle has spoken, how can you say this is... well, whatever you said it is?"

There was loud murmuring among the crowd and several people were dragged away by the guards. One of them being the person from SETA. The judge then quickly stepped in and announced:

"Well, since an agreement has been reached, I guess we should sign a contract regarding this agreement."

A contract was brought out, and the bull stamped its hoof on it, while the judge signed in acknowledgement of the contract. With that, a contract was formed between cattle and man, that all man can freely slaughter and eat cattle as long as they keep the species thriving.

Since that day, SETA could find no reason to fault the policy makers for allowing cattle to be slaughtered for food because of the contract. The policymaker was happy, the judge was happy, and plenty of jobs were saved.

No one knew where the King of All Cattle went after the contract signing in the supreme court.

The man didn't believe

The man didn't believe that he would drink

Until the day his friend asked him out and be merry.

The man didn't believe that he would binge

Until the day his friend asked him out and be merry

And bought him a pint after he finished his own.

The man didn't believe that he would get drunk

Until the day his friend asked him out and be merry

And bought him a pint after he finished his own

And he wakes up next morning with a splitting headache.

The man didn't believe that getting drunk was a big deal

Until the day his friend asked him out and be merry

And bought him a pint after he finished his own

And he wakes up next morning with a splitting headache

And his wife and children are no longer at home anymore.

Missing

These nights, especially since after my exams are over for this semester, I've been staring at the ceiling while I am on my bed, and I will think. Often, on the ceiling I will see random dots of light as if the ceiling and the walls are filled with millions and millions of glow-in-the-dark ants that one could only see at night. I don't know what they are; I suppose they are some trickery my eyes are playing on me, but when I was younger, I truly thought they were glow-in-the-dark ants and I was truly afraid of them coming to crawl over me, because they really were all over the place.

These nights, as I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling and thinking, I've been thinking of and missing people. I've been missing my auntie and my cousin, both of whom passed away last year. It's been more than a year now, and most of us have moved on from the loss, but now and then, I still lie in this state of unbelief. I lie in a state of disbelief that my cousin and my aunt have gone, and will never come back.

I miss them. I truly do. Their going away seems to have created this void in my heart that retains a special shape that only their presence can fill. I imagine a parallel universe where they are still alive and we would talk to each other, and I would play MMORPGs with my cousin because he would have been cured of his partial blindness and he could see again.

I miss my cousin. I truly do. I truly truly miss him. His death has been the death that has affected me the most. It is at his funeral that I have ever shed the most tears for anyone no longer alive. I am usually not a crier at funerals, because I truly believe that they have left a suffering life and have gone on to be with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I don't know why, with all the cynicism I have towards religion, it is basic things like these that I still choose to believe in.

But I miss my cousin. I really do. I remember the world that he introduced me to. The world of fantasy and dragons and dungeons and games and anime and books. It was truly an amazing world, and one that really changed my life. It was my cousin who introduced me to and lent me his copy of Final Fantasy VII, and until today I am still a Final Fantasy fan, and my favorite of the series is still Final Fantasy VII. I am just glad that he is with God now, and no longer need to suffer the pain and suffering of this world, but still, I miss him very much.

I miss my aunt too. Now my uncle got to know this new girlfriend and she would sit next to him just the way my aunt used to do. But it's different. Not only is she different from my aunt in terms of character, I feel that she will never take the place of my aunt, ever, at least not in my aunt. I will never see and recognize her the way I see and recognize my aunt. My aunt is special, and no one can replace her. I believe that my uncle and my living cousin feels this too. It's just that sometimes it's important to move on, but moving does not mean forgetting those who have passed on.

I imagine that in a parallel universe, they are still alive. And we would sit round the dinner table and have crabs and what not, and we would talk about different things in our lives. My cousin and I would talk about some MMORPG or game that we are playing, and my aunt would ask me about how I am doing in school and what I want to do in the future and I would tell her that I am doing fine and that I planning to work in the government when I graduate. And she would tell me in chinese, "Oh, good, good." And then my cousin would give his comment about working in the government and what he feels about it. And then my uncle would grab a dish for my aunt and he would say a joke and we would all laugh, and then my aunt would hit him jokingly and say that he never grows up, and how his friends always call him 开心果 (Happy Fruit).

When I get to Heaven one day, I wish that I can see them and hear them talk about how it has been like up in Heaven, and we spend all eternity having these nice and simple dinners together.

Happiness

It seems to be widely believed that people who know they are going to die soon tend to lead happier, and more fulfilling lives.

Perhaps, if we live our lives thinking that there is a possibility of us breathing our last the next day... perhaps, then we will live our lives happy, because there is no longer any point in being unhappy.

From the battlefield

Hi everybody, it's been over three months. Does anybody miss the blogger me? I don't know who actually reads this blog now, but I still keep it because it holds a lot of memories for me. It's sort of like an autobiography, in a very weird sense. Blogger tells me that there are 19 people following the blog, but the thing is I don't know any of the 19. So, hi my 19 followers! Thank you for being interested in what I write, I really do hope to get to know you guys.

Anyway, why I am here? It's the middle of my exam period. Three papers down and two more to go. Not the best time to come blogging after a three months hiatus. But well, Blogger sent me an email saying that if I don't migrate over to some new system that they've got, they're gonna wipe out all my data. Hell, this blog's been around for almost 8 years now, I udon't want my data to get all wiped out. So yeah, I sort of did the migration thing and thought I might as well come and post something.

My life's been like a machine these days. Just running and running according to a sort of system. School, research, church, girlfriend, friends, family. I don't have much happening in my life. Just a lot of reading and writing, reading and writing. An occasional jog once in a while to get my mind off things, meeting my girlfriend for a nice meal or a simple movie in the house. That's about it.

Academia is slowly killing me. I'm so grade-oriented now that I am getting closer to graduation. And it doesn't help that I am a borderline first-class. Being that just puts so much pressure on me because I don't wanna spoil it right at the end of the race. It would really suck if over the next two semesters I drop back to being second-upper-class again. It would really really suck. And that's why I'm working my ass off to try and score as many As as possible, and that's not exactly a very easy thing to do. I'm not exactly very bright - I scored 18 points in my 'O' levels and in the 'A' levels, my grades were a horrible A, C, E. ACE, yeah I know the joke, but it wasn't a joke back in 2007. It was my future on the line. And it is only through God's grace that I somehow made it into university. And now I'm in university, it is through God's grace again that I'm on a run for first-class honours.

If there is anything that university has taught me, it is to bring me into focus. Focus on what I want for myself and the future, and then go for it. Never mind if I fall or fail, as long as I give it my best shot. The most important thing is to decide on what I want, and then go for it. It's like running a race. Back in the secondary school and JC days, I had no clue about what I want in the future. So I was just running aimlessly. And because of that, I didn't run very well. But now, I really can see the finishing line ahead of me. My dreams, my future. And I have to run for that. It's just two semesters now, and the run is becoming very tiring.

Research is confusing and difficult. Even after like nearly 7 months into the research, I only have a very small understanding of my research area. The topic is just so huge and deep, and the readings are really not easy to understand. But I try. It's all about trying now.

A few things that I'm looking forward to at this moment: the end of my exams, the arrival of some parcels that I ordered online, going for some epic movie screenings (Avengers, yes), and my summer internships.

Just can't wait.

what makes us cry

"Italian critic Franco Moretti has argued, for example, that literature that makes
us cry operates via a special manipulation of temporality: what triggers our crying
is not just the sadness or suffering of the character in the story but a very precise
moment when characters in the story catch up with and realize what the audience
already knows. We cry, Moretti argues, not just because the characters do, but at
the precise moment when desire is finally recognized as futile. The release of
tension produces tears - which become a kind of homage to a happiness that is
kissed goodbye. Pathos is thus a surrender to reality but it is a surrender that pays
homage to the ideal that tried to wage war on it."

- Linda Williams, "Film Bodies: Gender, Genre, and Excess"

a trip that spanned across two years

Happy New Year everybody!

Holidays are coming to an end for me, school is going to start in another 2 days time and I just returned from the land of Vietnam.

The countdown to 2012 was done in Vietnam, proving to be the first time I did a countdown in a foreign country, and it was pretty interesting experience (I can't put a finger down on whether it was surreal, but it might have been). I wrote previously about the concept of time and how it feels so real and yet so unreal - that was exactly how I felt when I was in Hanoi counting down to 2012 with 90% Vietnamese and 10% foreigners; I was pretty sure there were plenty of Singaporeans with me as well, at least, there were three other Singaporeans with me for sure.

The time zone in Vietnam is GMT +7, while in Singapore it is GMT +8, so technically we were an hour behind everyone in Singapore while we were up north. It was 11pm in Vietnam when everyone in Singapore reached 2012, and in a weird and small way, I felt it was 2012 too. Because deep down in my heart, even when I was in Hanoi, I felt and I knew I was a Singaporean. It is so hard to think of oneself as a local when you are in Hanoi, unlike a city such as Taipei where the language is not an issue. It felt as if everyone in Singapore has gone on ahead without us, to a 2012 that we were still an hour away.

But then, when the countdown began in Hanoi's city center next to the Hoan Kiem Lake and the sparklers started burning (there were no fireworks, which proved to be a disappointment; I wonder if I have gotten too used to fireworks back at home), I felt a sense of connection, like the New Year is the same for everyone. Everyone becomes delighted at the New Year, though for what reasons I do not exactly know. It is just the act of counting down together, dancing and singing on the streets that somehow connected us together.

And this, in a small way, brought us connection back to everyone in Singapore.

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Vietnam surprised me. And I surprised myself.

I suppose I could sum the trip up like that; although it does not do justice to sum anything that lasted 6 days into 7 words.

To be frank, I wasn't that excited before I touched down in the country. It was a country that I never thought I was going to visit, the language is unfamiliar to me, I don't know what I was looking forward to in a country such as Vietnam, in a city such as Hanoi. There isn't much to do anyway in a city where its main attractions are a lake, a mausoleum and museums. Of course, you can always top this up with pubbing, which technically can be found in any city. Halong Bay, with its status as a UNESCO Heritage Site, didn't really excite me either. I'm not really a sucker for beautiful landscapes anyway, and a thousand similar rock outcrops didn't sound like a prospect.

And for such low expectations, Vietnam certainly didn't disappoint. In fact, she surprised me. Sure, there really wasn't much to do in Hanoi. Halong Bay didn't have anything more than just rocky outcrops and mountains and caves. However, it was the Vietnamese people who captured my heart while I was there.

Our trip was divided technically into three parts: city tour of Hanoi, nature tour of Halong Bay, and a closing tour in Hanoi.

In the city tour, we went museum touring, looked at Ho Chi Ming's body in the mausoleum, did a count down, walked around the lake, shopped and ate. Shopping isn't too bad; I'm not much of a shopper but I found myself buying the most out of the four of us who were there in the first three days. I bought a beanie, and then a T-shirt, and then a sling bag. The sling bag was probably the only cultural Vietnamese item that I bought for myself, and it was my favourite buy.

We were, of course, scammed while we were in Hanoi. I wouldn't say SCAMMED really, but it was more like we were overcharged for things that we paid for. It was not unexpected. In Vietnam, you have a 99% chance of being scammed/overcharged the moment you open your mouth and speak in English, even if you are Asian and look pretty much like a Vietnamese. The only way to lower the chances of being overcharged is to speak their language.

It was the same feeling in Halong Bay - the feeling of being exploited and overcharged for something that is worth only a little. The food wasn't that fantastic on the tour (sometimes it was bland), drinks were not included and the tour wasn't that organised anyway. We went trekking and the guide wasn't even with us, which might be a good thing because it made the experience more exciting and adventurous. We went for a massage and it really wasn't that great anyway.

However, there was one thing that redeemed the trip for me, and in a way, changed me - the people.

Sure, they may be exploiting us because we couldn't speak Vietnamese. They may be overcharging us because we don't know what the hell was going on. But then, they were just making a living. Besides, its not like they were really scamming us. They are just charging a higher price than usual. Vietnamese are poor people, way poorer than Singaporeans, and that extra US$2 could have meant a lot to them. It could have gotten them a good meal for once, while to me, S$3 could just have gotten a plate of chicken rice.

It isn't much, when you think about it. When I got to see the smiles on the faces of the people, I really began to feel so happy. Vietnamese aren't bad people, they are just poor. And it takes so little just to bless them, and I don't see why I shouldn't.

When we finally got back to Hanoi from Halong Bay on the last day of our trip, I began to see Vietnam in a different light. They were nice people.

It's so easy to see them as horrible who are just out to scam us when we are with other tourists, especially those from the West. It's so easy to just feel horrible about the trip and think that Vietnam sucks when we keep complaining and busking ourselves in complaints and more complaints.

In Hanoi, as I began to look at the locals differently, I somehow managed to see that they aren't as bad as others might say they are. It became easier to shop when bargaining isn't just to bring the price lower, but to also interact with the locals in a more fun and meaningful way.

I suppose the one most memorable moment for me, was when I was sold a pack of snacks for 50000 Dong. It sure wasn't worth that much, and I could guess as much as I interacted with those who sold me that packet of snacks. The one selling was an old lady, and there were like two or three other younger Vietnamese with her too. The old lady couldn't speak English, so the other Vietnamese were translating for her (she was just peddling the snacks, and it just so happens that we were at a shop where the younger Vietnamese were). They were laughing to each other as I paid up the 50000 Dong, which sort of means I have been made a fool of, and so was the old lady. However, for the old lady, her laugh wasn't just because I have paid 50000 Dong for snacks, but because she managed to make so much money, she could probably enjoy a a better meal for once.

50000 Dong is only S$3. It wasn't a big deal for me and S$3 was worth it to make somebody's day.

For what I expected from Vietnam, I was really surprised - both by the people, and by how I changed my attitude to them.

-------------

I didn't believe anyone who told me that I looked like a Vietnamese, until a Vietnamese told me the same.

you can only do so many things at once

Multitasking - that is one skill which I have never had the chance to master, and probably never will. Some people find it easy, while others like me, find that it is the most difficult thing (or things) to manage.

No I am not talking about having to drive while talking on the phone and eat breakfast in the car at the same time. I am talking about a more macro version of multitasking: to commit to many things at a point in one's life.

This is my theory: every person can only ideally commit himself (or herself, but there is a theory that says females can multitask better) to a maximum of four commitments at any point in his life. Having more than four means that he will not be able to perform his best in any of these because his resources (time and energy) cannot be focused on an optimum level.

I do acknowledge that this may be different for different individuals because every person's energy levels might be different, but the amount of time given is constant, and the results can only vary so much.

Commitment comes in a variety of forms, but it's basically very simple. As long as a certain something demands that you commit a certain amount of time to it, it is a commitment. And the most common commitments are:

• School/Work (including Part Time Jobs)
• Boyfriend/Girlfriend
• Religion (usually Christianity)
• CCAs
• Some relationships (such as family or friends)

The list, of course, is not exhaustive.

Because it is my theory, and because I have developed it from my own life, it is not difficult to understand that I try my best to stick to just four commitments in my life. And they were: School, Girlfriend, Religion, CCA (Canoeing).

For me, friendships hold a very special position. Because for me the commitment of friendships, it is interesting to note, is shared among the four commitments in my life. This means that I maintain my friendships within the context of these commitments. While this may not be applicable to every person, it is perhaps safe to say that this applies to most persons. Friendships are maintained along the context of work, school, or religion. And this is why people classify their friends into "school friends", "work friends", or "church friends". (this warrants an entire article about having "spheres" in our lives, so I shall not dwell on it) So when I say "Some relationships" as one of the commitments that people engage in, I am referring to friendships beyond these spheres.

_________________________________________________________________

It is then time for an announcement.

I have only recently withdrawn from my CCA, Canoeing, because of a new commitment at this point in time. Yes I am no longer a canoeist, and I am sad about this because I have recently found much passion in the sport, and I made the decision to withdraw only after much deliberation.

In it's place as a commitment, is a research project under NTU's URECA programme with my film theory professor.

Initially, I was planning to forgo this research opportunity and continue with the team because I had no interest in post-graduate studies or even in joining the academia when I graduate. But after some discussions with friends and a good deal of reflection, I decided that this was the chance for me to carefully consider and see for myself whether academic research is something that interests me or not. Also, such an opportunity does not knock all the time, and I felt that it would be such a waste if I just let it go.

It was therefore with a heavy heart when I told my captain that I have decided to withdraw from the team because of academic commitments. I could have stayed on, but I decided not to because I did not want to discourage the team by my absence or even put a strain on the resources of the team when I am not giving my best.

So, I have effectively transformed from a canoeist to a research assistant (or more glamorously, "NTU President Research Scholar", as the programme calls it).

God really likes pushing me in areas where I have never considered before. I remember in 2004, I have never considered JC as an option for post-secondary education. I chose a polytechnic, but was sent to a junior college instead. I didn't think I would like to do English Literature when I was in secondary school or even junior college, but I ended up doing English Literature in university. I have never thought I would be doing academic research, and now I am in a programme meant for grooming academic research scholars.

Let's see where God is bringing me to this time.

In Decisions

Alright, long hiatus from blogging. Totally couldn't find the time to do it. Besides that, I guess most of my writing energy went into my internship anyway, if there is such a thing. The internship is over now, so if you are wondering where all those writing went, it's all here: www.hometeam.sg

Let me start off this post with two facts of life.

Fact of life 1: We all hate making decisions.

Seriously. I hate making decisions. The most decisive person hates making decisions too. We all hate to choose, admit that. If I could have my say, I would want everything in the world, so I don't have to choose which ones I can have and which ones I can't. Because choosing something means giving up another.

If I wanna go travelling, what's the best thing to do? Go travel to every single goddamn country on this planet, and maybe discover some new ones in the process of course. Why bother to choose whether I wanna go to Paris or America, or China or Japan? Just say, I wanna f-ing travel. And travel everywhere.

And what's the best transport you can ever dream of? Of course it's a luxury car, that looks and functions like a sports car, that can also travel on the sea or even under water like a submarine, not to forget that it can also transform itself to fly too, probably even turn into a space shuttle, and if the situation arises, can travel on a railroad like a train as well. Oh yes, an all-in-one car. Who wouldn't want that? Now we don't even need to choose between taking a cruise or a plane to our next holiday destination while we are on the above mentioned around-the-world trip.

Oh, how about the perfect boyfriend? Can't choose between this guy or that guy? (I know I am being gender biased here, but please, I don't need to write this twice, so I'll write for the girls because ladies come first) Of course you can't. What you want is someone who is good looking, kind, rich, witty, honest, sporty, intelligent, bookish, muscular, not overbearingly manly, someone who can read you poetry, do your laundry, fix your house lighting or plumbing, cunning sometimes, and whatever else a guy should have. You want all the qualities the a guy might have packed into one. That'll be wonderful isn't it.

Or the perfect child? Of course you want your child to have a 'holistic' development. And this includes wanting him to learn music, dancing, art, sports, history, math, languages, science and every single thing that a human being invented for the betterment of the mind. Your child has to know every f- thing and probably even write an encyclopedia off his mind.

Fact of life 2: We can't have everything in life.

And what does this mean? This means that we have to choose. Yes, whether you like it or not, we as humans need to make decisions and choices in our lives. It is ultimately inevitable to choose one thing over the other because we can't have everything we want in the world.

We only get 24 hours a day, and we have finite number of days to live. Some has more, some has less. But it's finite. This means that one day, we are going to die, and when we die, we stop getting the things we want. So there are definitely some things that we have to give up along the way.

Length of our life is one thing, opportunity is another. Some opportunities just simply clash with each other. It's about the timing. For example, I had to choose between an internship with Singapore Press Holdings or the Ministry of Home Affairs. I wanted both, because I see value in both internship opportunities, but I could only choose one as they offer themselves in a time period that clashes with each other. And in the end I chose the Ministry of Home Affairs, because of an interest to be involved in the ministry after graduation.

Another thing that we cannot avoid: the capacity for us to do only one thing at a time. I'm not talking about multi-tasking here. I'm talking about choosing the next course in our lives. Do I go for a post-graduate course or do I spend the time building my career? Do I get attached now or enjoy singlehood for the next few years? These things involves choices and decisions. I can't do a post-graduate course and build my career at the same time (well, you technically can... but it's a little different), and I can't be attached and enjoy singlehood at the same time. To be attached means to give up singlehood, and to be single means to give up being attached.

Conclusion?

We have to choose, whether you like it or not. I remember writing an article many years ago about 'choice'. I said that we make a choice every single day and second. We make choices in what we wear, what we say, what we do. Even if we decide not to make a choice, we have CHOSEN not to make a choice, which is a choice in itself.

This time round, I am talking about choosing what you want in your life. Bigger choices, choices that we have to make deliberately. And we can't just don't choose, because that will bring us nowhere. So here's the thing, make your decisions early. Decisive people get a head start, because they know what they want and they start to build towards it early on in the race. Making a big decision like life choices is a long and tedious process. It doesn't mean that you can get what you want simply because you make a decision to want it. From the decision, you still need to work towards this aim that you have. So early decision makers actually get a head start from the rest.

I do not mean that you make a decision hastily. But do not postpone something unnecessarily. Even if at the end of the day, you decide to change your original decision, it will still be alright. For example, if you decide that you want to work in this particular firm in the future, and you begin to build your portfolio and skills towards this target, and then you decide somewhere down the road that you do not wish to go ahead with this plan anymore, know that the portfolio you have built and the skills that you attained will not go to waste. These things remain with you. What will really go to waste is if you do not decide on anything, and spent the time doing things really does not help you accomplish much.

So really, just some food for thought. Chew on it and let me know what you think. It is late, and I shall sign off.

Ciao.

SHINGLES

I'm down with shingles.

Actually, that is outdated information. But then again, it is not.

I am still down with shingles, but I got shingles a week ago. To be exact, last Monday.

But then again (again), Monday is when I was diagnosed with shingles. The real date that the virus came haunting is probably 2 Wednesdays ago. That, I cannot be exact.

So yes, I was down with shingles, and I am still down with shingles, and I am not sure if I will still be down with shingles come tomorrow when I visit the doctor at the Communicable Disease Centre (CDC) for a check-up.

The doctor, some specialist I suppose, will determine if I will turn people into zombies when I go out into the streets. (Which is quite ironic, because I have to go out into the streets to see him anyway. Which reminds me, I was still in the street when I left the hospital after being diagnosed. I guess the policy is "as long as I don't infect anybody that I know, that's fine")

Oh yes, it's a virus infection. Yes it is infectious. Or contagious, or communicable. Pick your word. Meaning, it's like what happens in "LEFT 4 DEAD", people will get infected if they aren't immune to the virus and if they get into contact with me. Except this time, they won't turn into brain eating zombies.

So how do you become immune to the virus? Simple enough, you just need to be immune to chicken pox. This virus is the same one that gives people chicken pox. After I got chicken pox like more than 10 years ago, the virus hid itself in my nerves and waited.

It's a very patient virus, because it waited over 10 years before it decides to come out and strike again. Simply put, this is what causes shingles. That's the layman version.

To make it even more layman, I called the condition chicken pox V2.

Many doctors will disagree with me.

So, back to 3 paragraphs ago. How can you be immune to chicken pox (V1)? 2 ways. You need to get it before. Or you need to get a chicken pox vaccine (which is essentially a mild version of the virus itself to let your immune system to create a blueprint for a defensive system).

So once you are protected against V1, you won't be vulnerable to V2. Apparently, V2 only comes after V1. So you won't get V2 from me right out of the oven.

Anyway. Yes. Back to wherever I was. I am down with shingles. And I have been given seven days of medical leave. Yes, seven full days. One entire oh-my-god week. It's a boon because I get to rest and sleep in and not have to think about my work for a week. It's a bane because I got confined in the house and cannot see anybody other than my family members for seven full days. This includes my girlfriend, whom I dearly miss.

Yes, that's the biggest bane for me. When I first realised that I was given seven days of medical leave, I was delighted. I thought I could finally spend some time with my girlfriend. Indeed, I haven't been able to spend much time with her because of work, and this I thought was the perfect opportunity.

But when I told her the news and what my condition entailed, she let me know that she was not infected with chicken pox before. My heart sank. This meant that I would not be able to see her until I fully recover and certified clear. This meant that I would not be able to see her for one week, which probably is the longest time we've not seen each other in almost a year (yes, next week is our anniversary, congratulate us).

I am shocked, because I always thought chicken pox was a very common virus (not as common as flu, but you know what I mean). Apparently it is not. Almost all the friends that I spoke, whom I thought could spend some time with me, all did not have chicken pox before. So, I guess I was wrong.

So one week. Seven days. What have I done in seven days. Seven full days being cooped up in a 4 room HDB flat in Choa Chu Kang. Two words: not much.

I spent about three days gaming. Just gaming and gaming and gaming, because I haven't gotten much of a chance to game ever since I started work. So this is payback time. I finished "Front Mission Evolved", which is a game about robots and finished the storyline, as well as getting myself the best upgrades for my robot. The game isn't too bad. Graphics is all right (it's PS3, by the way), gameplay is pretty cool, but storyline sucks. Storyline sucks bad. I could have written a better ending for the game. But I shall not dwell on that. I proceeded to play my MMORPG, Lord of the Rings Online, which I cannot finish. Edgaros (my character), did manage to gain two levels though. He's level 56 now. I also got him a new sword and a new belt. Hurrah.

Alright. I spent another day playing this iPhone game called Tiny Tower. Basically, I've got too much time to spare. And I sympathised with the Bitizens (Bitizens are people who live in the tower. They are called as such because they are very pixelised and they are just BITs of data on the screen. Very cruel) because they are cooped up in the tower like me. So I do my best to give them their dream jobs. This made them happy. Now many of them have happy faces because they are working in their dream jobs. I've got quite a lot of services in my tower, and they are: bank, health club, volleyball club, aquarium, photo studio, pottery studio, book store, diner, pizza place. Of course there residential levels for the Bitizens to stay as well. The tower is currently 18 floors high, with one retail store being built.

But of course I didn't spend the whole day playing that game. I may be bored, but not that bored. I spent one half of the day playing and the second half reading. I am reading this book Labyrinth by Borges, which is given to me as a birthday present last year by my girlfriend. I finished four short stories: "Funes the Memorious", "The Shape of the Sword", "Theme of the Traitor and the Hero", and "Death and the Compass". I loved all of Borges' short stories, especially "The Shape of the Sword" and "Theme of the Traitor and the Hero". I just love the way Borges weaves "story-telling" into his stories and still manages to add a pinch (sometimes more than a pinch) of philosophy into the mixture. It really shows how well he knows his narrative, and even "narration" itself. Some stories just mindfuck you while some just blows you away while some just makes you think.

I'm not that great a book reviewer, but do take a read if you've got the time.

And in the last two days of the week, my sister introduced me to this Hong Kong drama series called 与敌同行. Not sure if it's a soap opera (ST says it is) but it's really really very exciting and engaging. The story goes like this: 10 years ago, Hei got accused for murder, and the one who testified against him was his own cousin, Yin. He was sentenced to 13 years in prison and got released 10 years later. The story takes place in the present. Hei, after being released, determines that Yin was the real murderer and decides to open the case again. But how can he do it? Who will trust him? He works for Yin's company in order to gain his trust. It's a show about acting and deceiving. Who's acting? Who's not? Who's a better actor than the other? Who's going to be hurt in the process? Will Yin finally get his punishment? It's all part of the show, so no spoilers here.

I finished the series in two days.

This is the last day of my medical leave. I'll be going for a clearance check-up tomorrow and once I am clear, I will have to go straight to work. I guess seven days break is really more than enough for me.

This is the day, this is the day...

It’s been… well, I don’t know how long it has been. It’s been awhile. That’s for sure. I’ve been held up with life. Yes, just life. Living. Doing things and being busy.

Exams were over more than two weeks ago. I celebrated my birthday about two weeks ago. I used up the left over four days of my summer to do I-can’t-remember-what except to eat and to spend my birthday with my girlfriend. I am into the third week of my internship.

I must say, I’ve not had a REAL birthday celebration with someone special in my life. This is a first for me. When I was younger, it’s either we broke up before my birthday, got together after my birthday, or we were simply in school during my birthday. I just never got to celebrate. So I must say I am really happy this year for my 23rd. So here’s a shout out: THANK YOU LOVE FOR THE WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY PLANNED FOR ME. :D

The day after my birthday, I had to report for work. This is the third week of the internship and to say frankly, I haven’t had much to do. Been to a few events, helped with some photo-taking, but I haven’t really gotten down to much writing. Wrote some articles, but they are yet to be published. I’m getting restless.

I miss my life. I miss chilling out and doing nothing and just lazing around in the house. I miss just gaming for an entire day or just simply do whatever I like. I miss sleeping late and waking late and seeing that the world has already moved on and I’m just left behind in my own little space. I miss being by myself in my own space doing my own things.

*

I wonder how my results will be like. For the first time since I was matriculated, I’m having this ‘good feeling’ about the results. I’m not sure if this is the first time I’ve felt this in my life, but if I did, they usually end up in some form of disappointment.

I hate to have this ‘good feeling’. I hate it because it has such a high potential of setting up for the greatest disappointment you can ever feel. The greater the ‘good feeling’, the greater the disappointment. And it doesn’t even help one bit to make the final excitement better. It just sets you up for a possible disappointment and it’s unavoidable.

*

I’ve finally gotten a PS3 after a year of deciding if I should. I don’t play on it much though, because I simply cannot find the time to. It’s not the job. It really is the church. Just last week alone, I spent 4 out of 5 weekday nights doing church work or being at church.

I spoke to my sister recently about coming back to church (she stopped coming some time back), and she told me that she cannot take how the church just takes up so much of her (our) time. I agreed.

In case you are wondering, Evangel just happens to be a church that is very time- demanding. Some of my friends have left for the greener grass on the other side, and from what I am hearing, the people there enjoy a much more relaxed time. They enjoy worshipping God and coming to church. It’s not an obligation for them. And I don’t know why it is for me (us).

*

There are no quick fixes in this world, not even Jesus the Christ my Lord and Saviour Almighty Healer and Forgiver and Lamb and Son of the Great Almighty Omniscient Omnipotent Omnipresent God my Heavenly Father.

This is a problem. So many people come to church looking for a quick fix. Like, I come to church and I accept Jesus Christ as my saviour and I say Amen and I am saved and life is gonna be good and normal and just the way I want it. I am going to be holy and pure and Christian because I said the sinner’s prayer and I eat holy communion once every month and sing worship songs and I pray and I read the bible and I go for devotion and bible study and prayer groups and I reach out to people and teach them about Christ and I get a badge for the most number of souls saved.

Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you.

Christianity and the church are not quick fixes. Everyone in the church is broken. Of course you may want to say there are those more broken than others, but the truth remain that everybody is broken. Spoilt in some warped sense. Everyone has a dark little secret, something that they cannot share with other people, something that they struggle with themselves and cry every time they think about it and compare it with the kind of limitless grace God provides.

I cry a lot when I worship or when I pray. And I hate to do that. I cry only when I think of some crappy thing that I’ve done and I think of how much God grace I require from God. It’s a sense of shame that I feel, not a sense of holiness.

I am as broken as anybody else and righteousness only breaks me more.

*

Charlie went up Candy Mountain because his friends asked him to. He was knocked out and found that a kidney was stolen from him.

He followed his friends again under the sea and was again knocked out and his other kidney stolen.

In the end, he found his kidneys hanging on the Christmas tree.

*

Nyan Cat is a cat that nyans. Its body is made of poptart and all it does is cruise through space aimlessly/carelessly.

It goes nyan nyan nyan and creates rainbow in it’s path.

*

Neptune didn’t take it too well that Pluto was removed from the solar system.

Dwarf planet. What does that make me now?

Pluto always complained of being last in the list, and now he is the first on another.

*

At 2300HRS, you are to commence operation code Delta Charlie Boy Boy at location 012238 Michael. Make sure that you have with you everything on list no. 382710 and that you have prepared accordingly to standard operating procedure no. 8732085. You must understand that according Military Act no. 145 Chapter 2009 Section 49087 Paragraph U, you are required to respond and act only according to the protocol no. 31152. Do you understand, S7398234A?

*

If a tree falls in the forest and somebody is there, he would hear it and know that the tree has fallen and that there was indeed a tree.

But if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it fall, did the tree really fall or was there indeed a tree?

Yes it did really fall and there would indeed be a tree because God would be there to see it.

*

I cannot trust myself anymore. I have discovered that I am a product of ideology and brain washing and systems and societal moulding and I do not trust myself anymore. Everything we say or act is a result of the kind of culture that we are exposed to or the kinds of things that we read. It’s not even about exposure anymore. I don’t care if I’ve been to America or North Korea or Japan to be exposed to their culture. Because every single culture that I’m exposed to only add another layer to this ideological product that I am.

I cannot trust myself anymore and there is no escaping this. I do not know who I am and I cannot find any identity in the being that I have become and already am. We laugh at people who simply accept the system that they are presented and we call them under-exposed, immature, unintelligent, not well-read, don’t have their own mindset, brainwashed. But we do not realize that we, us, ourselves, are equally brainwashed into a culture that looks at others as brainwashed.

I am only just a multiple cell organism that has decided that I want to see what it’s like to think. Is it my brain that’s doing the thinking? Or is it my nerves? Or is it me? Or am I just a cell in the body that operates the entire body?

*

Ray is a cell. He is a single cell organism that has been misread. He didn’t evolve, he didn’t combine with other cells. He has all along been a single cell organism who just simply collected other cells to control them.

These other cells are called “body”. As a sort of collective term. People mistake this body as Ray. But really, Ray is just a single cell organism. And he forgot he is.

i am in the middle-of-exam break

when we do not know what we want

we will want everything

and then we will be disappointed

because it is known fact

that we will not get everything

the last night

It's 2.23am.

It's the third night of the wake.

It's the last night of the wake.

It's the second wake of the year.

It's the second wake in two months.

Once again, I am back at where I was two months ago. I remember exactly two months ago, at the exact same place, Richard's wake was just done and over with. We went up to the apartment flat, my auntie went to rest in the room, my sister gave her a little massage, we talked about life in the living room, on the way home believing that she was going to go soon, but not believing it would be in this year or the next, deciding we should spend more time with each other.

Exactly two months later, I receive a phone call. “你的姨妈走了。”

I called my cousin.

"Hey... is it... is it.. uh..."

"Yes. Yes she's gone."

I packed up my macdonald's lunch, went to the bus stop, got picked up by my pastor and arrived at the hospital, entered the room, my heart broke. All three of us, two pastors and myself, couldn't find a word to break repeated the chant in the room: “老婆。。老婆。。”

My tears came before my words. Or rather, they came in place of words.

After about 5 minutes of silence, sobs and hands being on shoulders, my uncle stopped, and gives us the story:

The date is 13th March 2011. It was a Sunday. As on most Sundays, the couple went to church, sang some worship songs, listened to the pastor preach, mingled with various members, all cheerful and believing that the world is a wonderful place.

They went for lunch, just as they would usually do on Sundays after church, and then retires to their apartment. She says she was feeling tired. She goes to rest in the room.

After a while, she calls out to him from the room. "Something's came out of my mouth," she says. He takes a look. Blood was coming out of her mouth. Shocked, he went to dial for an ambulance, and then comes back to carry her and wipes the blood with towel.

It kept coming. Kept coming. One towel after another was soaked in the red essence of life that was ebbing out of her frail body. He held her, held her, held her, until she passed out. He tells her, “老婆，不要睡啊。。”

She never woke up. He didn't know if she was just unconscious or... or... and he didn't know what to do. So he just held her, hoping, praying.

The ambulance arrived, and took the vital signs, and they announce... they...

"I'm sorry..."

At the wake, except for a few reckless ones, words are chosen carefully, as if they were mines laid out across the battlefield. The common ones are, 'it's good to move on', 'she's in a better place', 'God is with her', 'she can be with Richard now', 'there's not more suffering for her'.

Others remain silent.

Words are difficult, words do not suffice, words... are all we have for now.

We were ten. And now we are eight.

meow, meow meow

The cat.

The cat has been visiting rather often lately. For the past few nights, he would appear at my gate and mew, and my parents would inform me of his arrival (because I am holed up in my room doing my work whenever I am at home in the night). Then I would prepare food for the cat and set up a nice little supper snack outside my door.

Tonight he came again. As usual, I was in my room and I heard a very soft mew from the outside, and my mum's announcement that he is here once again. I wanted to play with him for a bit, so I opened the gate and let him in.

He walked right in, as if he had been into the house a thousand other times in the past. He walked around, looking here and there, searching all the gaps and corners in the house. He walked and stopped sometimes, turning his head left and right, tilting his head down and lifting it up again. He was looking for something. Looking for what?

He searched the living room, he searched my sister's room, he searched my room, and then not being able to find whatever he was looking for, he went back to the living room, sat down and started mewing for about 5 seconds.

Then my sister made a comment, that he's here to look for his friend. And oh yes, he had a friend. And his friend was staying here in this house, right before we moved in. But now, his friend is in Canada with the family that has moved out and migrated. The cat was not informed. His friend could not tell him. They have been separated and they do not even know why.

That's why the cat came in, as he usually did in the past, looking for his friend for a little late night chat, but could not find him, and instead found this new group of people who are following him around the house. Cats have no concept of travel, or home. They just believe in the simple pleasures of meeting each other every night and catching up with each other.

Convinced that his friend is no longer around in the apartment but not knowing why, he just sat the gate and stare into space. I wonder what was going in his mind as he just sat there and stare. He must have been expecting to see his friend, came to the place but only to find a different apartment at the same location, with no friend in sight.

He must have felt disappointed, or even betrayed, because his friend left without a word. Just as how so many humans have came and patted him on the head, cuddled with him, played with him and just as he felt that he really liked them, they left him. He will follow them but they will only find means to leave him behind. He has always been left behind.

A sense of sadness washed over me as these thoughts worked through my head. I wanted to keep him in the house but was not allowed to by the Empress Dowager. So I prepared a nice midnight snack for him, brought him out of the house and left him there to eat. But you can always come back, always come back and ask for me and I will come and talk with you, give you your snack and play with you.

I will. I will.

and death.

I wish that when I wake up in the morning, I will realise it is but a nightmare.

Still, my girlfriend is most amazing for the support she has given me.

emergency money

Overheard while I was on my way to lunch this afternoon:

"Mommy, I spent my $12 emergency money today... On sponge books..."

I do not know what "sponge books" is supposed to mean, it's probably something that has to do with school since his class just ended, and I could have heard wrongly because I wasn't paying much attention to this primary school child who is probably less than 10 years old, but I felt something in me that was special.

Here is a kid, talking into his mobile phone (a mobile phone at such a young age! I only had a pager!) and telling his mum that he has spent an amount of money that is reserved for emergency purposes only.

And I resolved in my heart that I am going to raise my kid this way, to teach him/her the importance of having budget, the importance of having monies stored away for emergency.

a very late new year post

The new year has come and gone, and as my friends have said during our mini-countdown party involving sukiyaki, barley, streetfighter IV, fireworks off in the distant Malaysia, and new year resolutions, "there will never be a new year but an old one."

So it probably doesn't matter whether this post is late by a day or late by 7 days. But still, I decided that something written in this manner and nature would be more appropriate to be given the title of "First Blog Post of 2011."

Personally, I felt that 2010 has been a really good year. It's been a year of challenges, surprises, and finally closing with rest. It's a good feeling, to feel that the year has ended, and that nothing too major, or urgent, or bad has been brought over to the next. It feels as if I can start the new year as new. Alright, it's just a feeling. Of course I am still having studies to be worried about, amidst other things, well.

A look back on the year:

School

2010 marked the promotion from Year 1 to Year 2. The jump in difficulty was really quite significant. Where I thought Year 1 Sem 2 was pretty tough, Year 2 Sem 1 only proved to be so much tougher. Still, I thank God for pulling me through, and I am only glad that the semester is over (even if that means I have another one to look forward to). Thank God for wonderful group mates during the first half of the year, people whom I have befriended and can really depend on for the rest of my time in SCI. Group work in 2nd half wasn't that great, but I still thank God that we have had our moments of superb inspirations and creativity, which until now I am still quite proud of. Overall, school in 2010 had been fun, and I hope it will still be in 2011.

CCA

2010 kicked off with the Singapore Canoe Marathon (which will also kick off 2011 on 9th Jan as well). Didn't exactly do very well, but considering that I had barely any experience and it being my first competition, I comfort myself by saying that at least I was in the middle rankings. Had a few more competitions - MR500, Round Ubin Kayak Race. The year closed with the Round Ubin Kayak Race 2010, which I felt we did really well. Got 5th, and the team overall won the Seniors Champion. And that was a good closing, in my opinion. 2011 - same competitions, but I hope we will do so much better. To start it off, again, Singapore Canoe Marathon, and I will be doing 31km this time. God bless me.

Church

Hasn't been the greatest of years in church, for a number of reasons. I joined the YCG Ministry in March, and until today, I felt that it's been both a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing is that I have so much more opportunities to serve God, to be active in the planning phase, and to help out people who matters to me. It's much more than that, but I should probably keep it short. The bad thing - it's draining my fire. Sometimes, I get so disillusioned by the number of things I need to do that I lose sight of what really mattered at first. The number of events really took a toll on me, and sometimes I would just ask myself in the middle of the night, "just what on earth am I doing all these for?" There are other things, but I'll leave it at that. Still, it's been good to see the YCG moving on to a different level of things under new leadership, and I have so much more to learn for this year.

Singapore Youth Olympic Games

Volunteered my time to help out during the games, and served in the position of Marshals Supervisor. Well, I have to say that it wasn't easy, because it requires me to lead other volunteers, whom I don't even know well. To wake up at 4.30am (just like in the army days) in order to reach NTU by 5am, planning the roster for the day and making sure everyone's welfare is taken care of. And then to attend the ops meeting, and then to walk about to ensure that everything is in order. And before you know it, it's lunch and then it's home time. It's been fun. Ops meeting really opened up my eyes to how complicated and difficult it is to organise an event such as the YOG. And I also got to meet so many other people from so many other countries, an opportunity which I don't think will come very often. Still, the uniform changing thing, ugh, don't remind me.

Part Time Jobs

Took up part time jobs, like really part time jobs, for the first time since I left the military. Tried the telemarketing line, but had a really bad experience. Didn't like it at all, simply because it was really boring. Calling numbers after numbers and getting rejected again and again simply wasn't a good feeling. Besides, I hated telemarketers myself. Moved on to work as an assistant chef, and that proved to be a much more rewarding experience. Not only did I learn very relevant kitchen skills and cooking experience, I also made friends whom I really enjoyed working with. On top of that, I was able to eat free food. :P In 2011, however, I think I am not going back to the kitchen, or at least not Coffee Club, because the people I worked with has left. And I am looking forward more to internships, either at SPH, or with the government service.

House Moving

Moved twice this year. First to Taman Jurong, which was a really bad experience, and then back to a different part of Yew Tee. The new house is pretty nice, and though I still miss the old one, I have found that I am starting to love this place over the past month. New furniture always feels good, and my room is so much neater now with refreshing colours. I thank God and all my friends, and especially ST for being with me through the difficult time of house moving, and hope that the next time I move, it will be a much more pleasant experience than this one.

The Year In General

In sum, the year has been a pretty good year. At the top of the list - girlfriend. But I shall not elaborate much on this public blog. And then there was Taiwan, which reminds me that I should probably write out a travel journal or post on the trip, since this blog recorded nothing concerning Taiwan, which has been a really fantastic and memorable trip for me. I wanna go travelling in 2011 again! And which also reminds me, that I haven't even uploaded the Taiwan photos on Facebook yet. Gosh, I am really fail.

2011

I want 2011 to be an even better year, or at least something of similar quality to 2010. I want to learn new things. First to come would be to learn driving, and after that, to really set my nerves down to pick up my dusty guitar and really learn it, again. I want to improve my relationships with the people around me. I want to repair what has been broken in my family, and love, or at least try to, my parents again. I want to do even better for school, and though unrealistic, I would like to try for First Class Honours. Okay, might not actually achieve it, but nothing wrong with aiming high, in my opinion. And of course, to love everyone around me, to see everyone happy, to make more friends, to read more books and know more things. That it would be a good year.

just another sunday. maybe.

Went to church. Took a bus with girlfriend. Took lunch with friends. Had a little conversation. Went home. Wrote an article. Read a book. Sleep.

I realised I haven't had a Sunday like this in a really long time.

Day 24, Week 3, 2 More Days

It's been 24 days in this place at Taman Jurong, or more specifically, BLK 63 Yung Kuang Road. It sure wasn't the best 24 days I could ask for, really.

I don't have much time to write, as I have got one (one last) essay to complete but I shall write for writing's sake, but also because I want to write while I am still qualified to write about the place while I am still at the place. (even though right now, I am typing this in school, which goes to show that I hate the place so much that I really don't want to even stay in there after my school is done. And really, I've never stayed at the flat for an afternoon from the day we moved in. I simply had to get out.)

At first, I didn't care too much about it. Sure the place was a little out of the way. It was small. The floor was a little dirty and dusty but it got fixed with a little clean up. Only one shower room and one toilet bowl room. Kitchen was damn poorly equipped. I could live with that, I told myself. And I could, really.

But what got on my nerves (and onto my skin) was the bedbugs. Yes, BEDBUGS. It is absolutely irritating, and annoying (I know both words are synonyms but I used them anyway to make my point that IT SUCKS). I didn't know it was bedbugs at first. I thought it was mosquito bites. So I got my mum to buy this mosquito repellent thing for the room. But it didn't work. And I was wondering why the mosquito were still biting me when I have already installed the repellent thing.

Days went by like this, and I kept getting bitten. Then one day my girlfriend asked me if it could be bedbugs, and that was when it struck me: it could be bedbugs. Like OH MY GOD. I went to google "bedbug bites" and wala, it looked exactly the same. I read up more on bedbugs and their bites and realised that everything fitted my circumstance: multiple bites around the same area, huge swell, little blood stains on the bed (like, urgh). I confirmed it was bedbugs.

Went home to tell my parents, and they didn't believe me. I don't know. It's either they didn't believe me, or they didn't bother and couldn't care less since they were not the ones getting bitten anyway. So what did I do. I can't exactly just let those bloodsuckers bite the hell out of me.

I took a can of Baygone, and sprayed around. I hunted down the crevices and cracks where the bedbugs could be hiding and alas, there they were, hiding in these little holes in the wall. I took the can of Baygone and spray right into the hole and watch one, and two bedbugs die in it. I camped at night, spending up to 1 or 2 hours without sleep just looking for those pests, and then spraying them with my can of bug killer or just squashing them with tissue paper.

There was once when I saw one crawling on the bed, and I told my mum, "Look! Bedbug!" and she just squinted her eyes, "Where? I can't see it.".

I pointed right at the where the bedbug was laying motionless, and she was like "where? I can't see it. My eyesight very bad." I took a piece of tissue paper, grabbed the bedbug and put it right in front of her eyes. Ah, THERE she saw it.

After a few days of Baygone treatment, the bedbugs were still having a good time. I decided that it was time for me to move out of the room. I migrated my mattress to the living room, gave the spot where I was sleeping a good Baygone treatment, and slept there. But it was to no avail. There were still bedbug bites when I woke up the next morning.

Another night, I was camping again, looking out for bedbugs. This time, I employed another tactic (albeit a more traditional one): 风油. I sprinkled it around my bed as a sort of area defence, and I just stayed around to observe. I don't know whether it was because of the 风油 but I noticed this bedbug travelling on the wall. I took a tissue paper and crushed it right where it was, and a huge bloodstain was left on the wall. MY BLOOD. The bloody sucker has apparently taken a good meal while I was on my bed doing my work and was about to go home to rest for the night. Not so fast, sucker.

Three nights of 风油 treatment and the bedbug problem still persisted. So it didn't work. Bedbugs were not afraid of 风油, contrary to what a friend of mine suggested. And by some interesting turn of events, another friend of mine noticed the bites on my arms and asked me about it. I told her it was bedbugs and she was like, "oh no! I actually had a YCG member who was also plagued with bedbugs and I bought her these cans of bedbugs spray to eradicate the problem..."

Immediately there was a sparkle in my eyes, I tell you. Bedbug spray, eradicate problem. That was just what I needed right now, I thought to myself. I told her to try and help me obtain one can of the miracle spray to save me from getting sucked dry by the bloodsuckers. So two days later, she got a can. $7.90, and my saviour is in my hands.

I went home, and gave the place a good spraying. No bedbugs appeared, but I wasn't confident that it would work. And if it didn't, I would really have no other options left, since this was THE bedbug spray and my parents wouldn't care to call up the landlord of the place. Next morning, I still got the bites.

But I was at my wits end. So I just sprayed every night before I sleep. Spray and spray and spray and my parents could only complain about how smelly the spray is and they couldn't sleep because I kept spraying the can.

One night, as I was preparing to go to bed, I looked around for bedbugs again. And I saw one, trying to hide under the flooring, but still visible in the open. I took the can, aimed it right at the bug and gave it a good shower of bedbug spray. It struggled a little, and eventually its lifeforce ebbed away. I took a piece of paper with a sticky end, got the bedbug's body to stick on the sticky end, and took a picture with the word "bedbug" pointing to the body. I left the paper near where my parents put their keys so that I can prove to them there were bedbugs.

My mum called up the landlord, and they came to check but couldn't find any bedbugs. The landlord then said she will bring in an "expert" to check, who turns out to be her mother from China anyway, who didn't even turn up in the end and no one bothered to follow up with it. It just irks me how everything was so half-hearted.

But it's alright. In another 2 days time I will be moving to Yew Tee, to a place that is normal where my normal life can happen and where I can have the privacy of my own room and joys of a clean and comfortable environment to sleep in. A place where there are no bedbugs (the whole mattress had to be thrown away because we were afraid there would be an infestation in it). Where I have a table where I can work and study.

And I am glad. I am very glad that I am getting to leave this hellhole. This place that is fit for an episode of "Survivor: Singapore".

But the place isn't that bad anyway, I am contradicting myself here. As in the conditions are really bad, but the softer things aren't so bad. For one, the food centre near the place boasts of very nice egg pancake and roasted meat rice. Apparently, the legendary roasted meat rice stall opens at 11.30am and is all sold out by 1.30pm. If you are lucky, he may open until 2pm.

I have also witnessed a sight that I probably wouldn't have gotten to see elsewhere. One, there were some really poor families who were living there. However, these people were not miserable. There was once when I was waiting for the lift and this family was with me and there was this baby and they were all talking with each other and playing with the baby and suddenly I just felt that the place wasn't that bad afterall and I was really being childish and pampered to keep complaining about it. Maybe they didn't have a bedbug problem, but still, it was their contentment with the simple things of life that struck me.

And to wrap it all up, I would say that it was quite an experience. To stay in this place. Both good and bad. Think of it as when you stay overseas at some rundown place while you are doing OCIP or some volunteer work (I know of the whole overseas volunteer paradox, but I'm leaving that out of here) and then you feel that you appreciate your home so much and you learn about how people from other less-well-to-do areas obtain pleasure from the simple things in life. It's a little like that, really.

A month in Taman Jurong, BLK 63 Yung Kuang Road was all one need for the same experience.