Post No. 270

The week seemed longer than it was just a few weeks ago.

Maybe time has slowed itself down in my world, or maybe its something else. Maybe its the routine. Maybe its the reading. Maybe its the training. Maybe its just me.

Routine. I don't like routines. In fact, I abhor it. I hate it to the max. But still, I embrace it. I stick on to it like its the love of my life. Church, reading, studying, training. Its like an endless cycle. Yet, without routine, what else do I have? What can I do? A hamster on a treadmill, that's what I am. People say, "you are just doing the same thing again and again!" and I say, "you got a better plan?"

I wish someone would just call me while I am going home from school, or while I am reading a text and say, "Hey, lets go to a movie!" or "Have you eaten? Lets have dinner together!" Maybe its not that. Maybe I want something BIG, something to just really rock my life, turn it upside down. Maybe I want something to really HAPPEN. I don't know. Do I even have the time and energy for anything of that scale?

I'm not short of activities. No I'm not. In fact, there's so many things to do. So many things done.

There's canoe training. Well, thrice a week. Monday being the one that tires me the most. Wednesday is alright but sometimes I get to YCG a little late. Saturday being the most fun, peddling in Macritchie and capsizing freely.

There's studies and reading. Comms textbook, the handouts, politics material, anthology, poems, short stories. But its just studies and reading. I don't want to just study and read. I want to learn something. I want to discover things. I want to have this sense of 'Eureka'! And its just evading me, this discovery. So far, its just information being placed and shelved up in my head, a text being like a trophy on the rack. "Oh, I read this, I read that." But no no, I don't want that. I want my texts to be my friends, all sitted around the fire, sharing with me their discoveries, their adventures, everything.

That touch, that love for my novel, its gone. Maybe its the pace at which I am reading. Or maybe its even the text itself. Somehow, I cannot immerse myself in the story anymore. I cannot feel the character anymore. I cannot find my heart broken at a certain loss, I cannot feel the racing heartbeat during a confrontation. It's just a story. Just. How did it turn out this way even. Maybe I have to create time for the texts that I really want to read. "Its the unwritten rule for English Literature." Yes, it must be.

However, life is not as pessimistic as I might have described it to be. Nice and exciting things did happen in this week. One of which would be that I watched 'Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Complete'! I saw it on sale, but it came out only in Blu-ray. So I was really tempted to just buy a blu-ray player and watch it. The fanatic spirit in me was just screaming at me to do so, but logic told me otherwise. Wisdom is important. It helped to prevent Courts from earning $399 from me, and I managed to watch the show in the 'digital' version. That said, there's still this itch in my heart to buy the blu-ray, watch it in HD on my tv and see if Cloud has any pimple on his face or not. Call it the negative effects of being a fan.

As I end this post, I feel much better, as if I have poured my heart out to a friend. Maybe, rather than hoping for things to happen, I should really go MAKE things happen. Explore the boundaries, tread into the unknown and then see what happens next. Maybe its time I get out of my comfort zone and stop presuming, stop assuming things won't work out, stop dwelling about the difficulties I will face. Get out, do it, and get it done. That was the spirit during army, why not bring it along with me?

"Many of us spend half our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing." - A. J. Marshall