Fly

We should always remember
what got us to fly in the air
wasn't wings,
but dreams.

Atheism

“I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” – Stephen Roberts

This is too difficult for me. Help.

A.R.T

ART is sighTing. ART is heARing.
ART is Touching. ART is TAsTing.

ART is hAppy. Art is sAd.
ART is feAR. Art is Awe.

ART is nATuRAl. ART is ARTificiAl
ART is ReAl. ART is surreAl.

ART is plAin. ART is AbsTRAcT.
ART is pRivATe. ART is sociAl.

ART is YOU.
ART is ME.

ART is LOVE.
ART is LIFE.

'High Wind Takes to The Skies'

Have I ever mentioned that the Highwind from FFVII is my favourite airship from all the FF series? Ragnarok only looks awesome in the CG video when it is attacking the Lunatic Pandora. Highwind looks great anywhere.



Well, there's not much competition anyway. I don't know any airships from pre-FFVII and from FFIX onwards, the airships have practically disappeared. I don't know why, so don't ask me. They still have airships, but you can no longer control them like how you can in FFVII and FFVIII.



I remember having fun (and LOTS of fun) by just simply flying Highwind around the world. I'll put it just on top of Midgar, I'll try to 'park' it in the empty lot where the rocket used to be in Rocket Town, I'll hover it just over the Northern Crater, I'll see how fast I can get from one end of the map to another, I'll fly on the sea just to see the little spray that the airship creates over water, I'll point the Highwind in the direction that Sister Ray in Midgar is facing and see if it really can hit Northern Crater. And of course, I remember chasing Ultima Weapon on it. And, knocking into Ruby Weapon. And, knocking into the Northern Crater's barrier before Sister Ray shot it. *BANG*



Inside the Highwind, you will find the meeting room where you will find the most used save point in the game. You will also find Yuffie getting airsick and asking you to give her all your materia once its all over. There's also the chocobo corner where you can store your favourite chocobo! Inside the cockpit you will find the rest of the gang and 2 crewmen who are always busy and panicking and if you talk to one, he will make an error in whatever he was doing. But of course, the most important person in the Highwind is the pilot, who will level up and become only a full-fledged pilot when you reach the final confrontation stage and then he will open turbo for the Highwind. (even up till today I can't decide if I like the Highwind with or without the turbo)

And of course, the Highwind was the backdrop for the most romantic scene in FFVII. Who can forget that?



Dang, I am missing FFVII again.

Past Present Future

Basically a brief summary of what I've been doing, what I'm doing, and what I will have to be doing.

The Journey To Seek

A man goes on a journey to seek god. The man does not want to just believe. He wants to find god even if he knows he will never find him. People around him tells him not to. They say it's too dangerous. They say he should just believe. "You will never find god, you can only believe!" They try their best to pursuade him. "Stay here, just stay here. Don't go out there, you'll never find what you want."

He goes on a journey to seek god. There is a rumour going on. The rumour says god can be found in Logic. He goes to Logic. Such a journey takes him miles and miles away from home. Some of his friends at home say he's lost forever. Lost on a journey to Logic. He reaches Logic, and finds no god. God does not stay here.

He goes on a journey to seek god. There is another rumour: On the top of Mt. Reason, you will find the almighty. He goes. He climbs and he climbs. He gave Mt. Reason all that he has. At last, he reaches the summit. He finds no god. God does not stay here.

He goes on a journey to seek god. And yet there is another rumour. In the city of Evidence! That's where you will find him! So says the rumour. He goes. He picks up all the clues, little hints here and there. And at last, he reaches the city, and yet, he finds no god. God does not stay here.

He goes on a journey to seek god. But he finds no god. He returns to his hometown, and the townsmen made fun of him. "Look, back from his wonderful journey! Have you found god? Tell us the logic, show us your reason and present your evidence. We told you that you'll never find him."

The man went on a journey to seek god. But he never found him. He should never find him. If he did find god, then god wouldn't be God. He did not find God, but he found why he could believe in God.

The man went on a journey to seek God, didn't find God, but found faith instead. Now he knows what he does not know. It's not blind faith, because he knows where to place his belief in. Not in Logic. Not in Mt. Reason. Not in the city of Evidence. Not in his hometown Religion. He places in belief only on God, because that's the only thing he couldn't find.

The people at his hometown says he has wasted his time because he had went on a journey and came back to where he was. But that's not the case. At least for him, he has went to Logic, Mt. Reason and the city of Evidence. He may not have returned with the answer. But he has returned with the experience of the journey.

"Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving." - Terry Pratchett

Decisions. Decisions. (on serving the local church)

“Do you have any desire to be YCG leader?”

“Er... no. I don’t think so.”

“WHAT?!” *grabs chair to whack me* (jokingly of course)

“Er, I have many thoughts which are really controversial to the religion, which I don’t think is appropriate and might be stumbling.”

“It’s ok. I also have controversial thoughts what, remember I talked to you all about casino? (which he did) Also very controversial what. (not that controversial actually)”

“Aiya... I’ll go home and think about it...”

And I SHALL think about it. And I shall be straightforward. And I shall use plain English.

There are obviously many reasons why I don’t want to step into the YCG leader ministry. The main reason being how I have been disillusioned and disappointed with some leaders whom I have worked with in the past.

I always wonder why some leaders just refuse to work together for a common goal. (if we are doing this for God, shouldn't we be doing this for God together?) This region event has been most sobering. Leaders whom I asked to act for the drama just simply refuse to. Reasons: Not free (even though he/she finished A’Levels and is like super free), Don’t feel like it, Don’t know how to act (and don’t want to learn, obviously). And yet, when they talk, they act as if they are doing oh so much for the ministry, that the ministry is taking up SO much of their time. I don’t know what to call this.

And then there’s this thing about myself. In my quest to explore religion and its truths, I somehow detached myself from the religion itself (but not backslide) and now I just can’t buy everything the pastors say simply because I am a Christian and have to be a good boy. This detachment came naturally, but only because I was seeking to be objective about the things I think and write. And because of this detachment, things like “Because God says so” or “Because we really can’t understand God’s ways anyway” or “Even Jesus didn’t know why He died” sounds very weak excuses to be ignorant about loops holes and imperfections. I have become a little too critical, and the bad part is that I don’t see anything bad about it.

I am someone who never believed in “ministry”. Because to me, a Christian’s ministry is in living his/her life. Ministry in church is something I call ‘recognized ministry’. That means it is something that you do for God and people recognize you for it. Sometimes, people take recognized ministry more importantly than their life ministry, which makes them a little of a hypocrite and I don’t want that to happen to me.

So that’s going to be why I probably won’t want to join the YCG leaders ministry. But I said I will think about it, so I have to think about why I should join the YCG leaders ministry. There’s always the flip side to the coin, so let’s flip it.

This took me awhile, and I had to talk to a few friends.

“God doesn’t just call people to be leaders. He sometimes calls people to be leaders of leaders.”

While discussing with a friend, this sentence struck me. Not because I am so egoistic that I want to be a leader of the leaders, but because it really coincided with my vision for the YCG ministry.

Personally, I really want my region’s leaders to improve themselves, to put their effort and heart into producing quality work, to be true to themselves, to put their heart and soul into the ministry. However, I really am not achieving much by being an armchair critic and always talking bad about them. If I want change, I have to be the agent of change, I have to lead the change that I want to see in the people I want to change.

And that was the reason why Jeff and I got ourselves to be involved in the planning of the region event anyway. Because we got sick of last minute preparation, rushed work and poor performance. Because we wanted to see the leaders change and realise that being efficient is possible. If this event itself is not enough to stir them, then being a leader myself probably might.

But what of my thoughts and ideas to pursue greater understanding and truths? Am I to abandon them for the sake of having a halo on my head? I don’t think so. In fact, if I think that the pursuit of greater understanding and truths is a good thing, why am I so afraid of it if I become a leader? If it is ultimately a good thing, why can’t I teach people to pursue greater understanding and truths as well?

Becoming a leader doesn’t mean that I have to be like some of the bad ones whom I always have something against (and this is just my perception. Sometimes I just don't see enough to know that some people are really doing things that I do not get to see.) If I do, then that would defeat the purpose of joining the ministry in the first place, isn’t it? I can just be myself. Nobody said that I had to change the way I do things when I become a leader.

And then there are the commitments that I have to think about. School and training is really taking up a big bulk of my time already. And I don’t even know how much time the ministry will take from me. But really, time and commitments are the least important things to think about; because I believe that if I want to do something, I can always make time for it.

Only when I become a leader am I qualified to comment on other leaders, because only then can I say that I’ve “been there and done that”. Currently, it is very easy for other people to say, “aiya, you also not leader how you know what we leaders go through?” And there is truth in this. Often, I do feel that it is a tad unfair when I comment about the leaders without ever really understanding what they have to do.

And on the more biblical side, I do feel a little like Jonah when I think through this. Not because I fear being eaten by a giant fish when I go canoe training in MacRitchie, but because I am a little like Jonah when God calls him to Nineveh. Jonah refuses to go to Nineveh at first, and I can identify with how he must be feeling and what he must be thinking. “Aiya, is it even my fault that those people are screwing themselves up? Why must I be the one to go in there and make the change?”

God’s method really is man. If God has called Jonah to warn Nineveh of their impending doom, and was bothered enough to send a fish to get Jonah to do it; what about me? How can I turn my back and say no? How can I push it to somebody else?

It isn't just about me. Being in the ministry, or not, affects the people around me as well. Most directly, my own YCG. What will happen to them? Ton is a leader whom I respect, for his dedication and willingness to sacrifice. He is the one who has given so much of his time and money to get things done in the YCG. Its a pretty big pair of shoes to fill, actually.

How about teaching them? I haven't done it before. But really, that's no excuse. I've never been a person who say I can't do something just because I haven't done it before. Yet, I sometimes feel that I could easily teach the wrong thing. Because how I understand some things could really differ from another, or the given intepretation, even if I have a lesson plan on my hand.

And what if I don't take this up? I am surely going to disappoint pastor if I reject him in the face. And sometimes, I respect him too much to do that. Besides, I know that he too has a vision for the leaders to buck themselves up, to inspire others and to take more initiative. (well, I heard it straight from his mouth) He has a plan, and am I going to say no and make it hard for him? I don't think I am really prepared to do that.

How about my current assistant and soon-to-be leader Bernice? Am I going to leave to her by herself once Ton leaves, which I believe he will regardless of whether I take up the position or not. Isn't that being a little irresponsible? Just simply refusing to do the job because I didn't feel like it? Even if it's not just because I didn't feel like it, even if I have some reasons (which I currently think suffice more of being only excuses instead of reasons), it is still irresponsible. It's hard for her to do this alone, and I know it because I've been in this YCG for 5 years.

What of my friends? What of my Sunday lunch groupie? I know it seems so unimportant, but I've always regarded Sunday lunch as something important to me. It's like this little enclave after church, whereby anyone can join. It's for people who has friends in the YCG leader ministry, who has music practice to go to, who has rehearsals blah blah blah. It's so you won't have to wait alone, it's so you'll have company, so you can meet more friends and know more people. And I will miss them if I do join the ministry.

Ultimately, even if all my own reasonings don't matter because they don't seem convincing enough even to myself, I have to think about who am I going to do this for. I know I am going to do this for God, that's a given fact. But I can do a hundred and one other things for God. I think, if I ever do this, that I have to do it for the people that I care for. I can't do or not do it simply because I have such and such problems with myself, or because I have so and so reason. If I decide not to do it because I have issues with myself, or issues with other people, or because I don't feel like, it just seems so selfish. If the people around me feel that I am up to the job, why can't I just give myself a chance?

It's all about trying, isn't it? Why am I so afraid of failures? Aren't we all here to learn together?

Give it your best, try everything you can and then see what happens. It's always better to regret doing something than to regret not doing something.

At the wake.

What can we do when we sit down around the table? A plate of sweets and packets of drinks are offered to us. Paper plate, little packets of sweets that you won't eat anywhere else other than on these occasions. I open one, and I put it in my mouth. My packet of drink does not come with a straw.

What can we talk about? My mind was a blank. It drifts away while the hard sweet dissolves in my mouth. Nobody knows what to say. Nobody knows what to ask. On one side, there's a conversation about university admission. On the other, they talk about something else which I can't remember. A few people shift their seats because cigarette smoke was too close for comfort.

How is he feeling? I cannot even begin to fathom the hurt, grief, regret, and all the thousand other emotions that must be pounding his heart. It is too much for me, I will never understand because I have not experience such a loss. Grandfather/grandmother, yes. But one's own father, no. All I could manage was, "It must be really difficult to lose a father..."

It doesn't matter how he died. It doesn't matter if he was a Christian or did he accept Christ before he died. All that mattered to me was that he is somebody's father, and that he has passed away.

I don't know him very well. I've only spoken to him probably once or twice, met him on Heart.Sports. He probably don't even know me. He might recognise my face, but he won't know my name. Yet, I can't stop thinking about how he must be controlling his emotions, how he is still forcing himself to accept the fact that his father is not with him anymore, how he must be denying it all and wishing it was all just a very very bad dream.

I can't help but think about how close our age is with each other. I'm 22, and he's only 21. Yet, he had to go through this. It's too much. It's really too much. If this happened to me, I... I don't even know how I will handle it.

I remember when my grandmother passed away. That was a long long time ago. My mother and my aunties all seemed very normal at the wake. I was too young to know it back then, but on hindsight, they must have all been in denial. They must be hoping that it was a bad dream, and that if they played along with the dream, things might change. I know this because when they realised that it was not a dream, at the cremation, when they realised that it was the last time they would see their mother, they cried their eyes out.

Please don't ask me to define Singaporean Literature.

Local writer,
Singaporean,
What do you write about?
What can you write about?

Political constraint,
Lack of freedom,
Why define ourselves like this?
Why rob ourselves of freedom to write?

The HDB flats all look the same,
We lose our identity,
Have we really lost it?
Have we been moulded into one yet?

Please, no.

Take a closer look.
Look into the homes in the HDB flats.
They won't look the same.
They'd have identity.

Think outside the box.
Don't define yourselves.
Not yet, just not yet.
It's still too early to do that.

Fellow writers,
Singaporeans,
Don't write about Singapore,
Write in Singapore.

LOL

I was going home on a bus today and there was this secondary school kid next to me typing out an SMS on his phone. Being the Kay-Poh that I am, I went ahead to spy on what he's typing. (I'm like that so don't sit next to me next time, but I don't do that to friends :D) And it went like "Lol lol...."

Immediately, I thought to myself, "Lol lol? Why do you even use 2 LOLs for? Does it even make any sense?" However, I stopped there and did a little reflection, surely I must have typed like that when I was in secondary school. I might not have used 2 LOLs, but surely I have used one.

I wonder when was it that I banned myself from using "LOL" and instead used "HAHA" to represent any form of joy or laughter in a text message. And I wonder why did I choose to ban myself from using "LOL". These memories seem to be fading.

In other news, I paid $9 today just to have a doctor advise me not to run or strain my knee for two weeks. No wonder my parents keep encouraging me to be a doctor when I was young. (although I never become one and probably never will)

And, the weather sucks.

OK, sorry if you were expecting something serious and found this instead.

When Greek mythology meets America

*WARNING: Contains possible spoilers for "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief"*

When it is said that Greek mythology is a timeless classic that transcends boundaries of time and space, I don't think it is meant to be like in "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief". I watched it because Imaginarium has been taken off screen (so fast lo) and because... because it sounds like quite a good show.

It is entertaining. They involved quite a number Greek gods, or rather their children, instead of just focusing on the usual ones: Zeus and Poseidon. They touched on the lotus eaters home (which is an island in Homer's Odyssey but turned into a Las Vegas Casino here), introduced Medusa, Hydra and Hell Hounds and roped in a few of the other gods: Athena, Hermes, Hades, Aphrodite. I like how they did mention a little about Cronus and how Zeus and his bros killed him, because most people I talk to think that Zeus is like the 1st god or something.

It took me awhile before I got the lotus eating part, because I never thought it was going to be mentioned and also because "Poker Face" was playing in the background. But when I did get it, I went "OH!" and nearly jumped off my seat. But no one near me would know who the lotus eaters were anyway so I could only amuse myself with the parody. Here's a passage about the lotus eaters from Homer's The Odyssey:

"Nine days I drifted on the teeming sea
before dangerous high winds. Upon the tenth
we came to the coastline of the Lotos Eaters,
who live upon that flower. We landed there
to take on water. All ships' companies
mustered alongside for the mid-day meal.
Then I sent out two picked men and a runner
to learn what race of men that land sustained.
They fell in, soon enough, with Lotos Eaters,
who showed no will to do us harm, only
offering the sweet Lotos to our friends-
but those who ate this honeyed plant, the Lotos,
never cared to report, nor to return:
they longed to stay forever, browsing on
that native bloom, forgetful of their homeland."

- From The Odyssey Book IX, Lines 90 - 104, translated by Robert Fitzgerald

Just one thing I am not happy though. It is sooo American-ised. I understand that the gods might be able to go outside of Greece to look for pretty girls to hook up with, but all of them only went to the US of A? How come the half-blood camp is in America and it looks like an American boot camp or something?

Everything happens in the US of A, and everything is in the US of A. Seriously, WHAT THE HECK?! I've already talked about the half-blood camp, but Medusa's Lair also? How come its in America?! And what's with the lotus eaters opening a hotel in Las Vegas? And then, wah, the entrance into Hades also found in America ah? Hollywood somemore! And this is the best part. You know where's the entrance to Mt. Olympus? On the top of the Empire State Building, man! You go into an elevator and then "ding". Welcome to Mt. Olympus hotel.

Isn't it funny that Percy Jackson dates Annabeth Chase? That means Poseidon's son dating Athena's daughter. And Athena is Zeus' daughter (it's a little complicated, but she was born from Zeus' head after some cannibalistic activity). Zeus is Poseidon's brother. So technically, it's Percy Jackson dating his cousin's (Athena's) daughter. Will you date your cousin's daughter?

But anyway, it is a fun movie to watch. Think of a Harry Potter + Chronicles of Narnia mixture sprinkled with Greek mythology.

An Open Letter to A Foreign Friend

Dear friend,

How are you? Are you accustomed to the life, food and pace of this city-state yet?

I saw you the other day at the road, in your hard hat and your yellow boots. You were there under the scorching afternoon sun, squatting down by the road side and applying cement to the road you were upgrading. I was looking down from the upper deck of the double-decker, air-conditioned SBS bus.

It must be hard work, isn’t it? To work every day under this condition, breathing in the dust and carbon dioxide from the vehicles, taking the risk of getting hit by a vehicle. Do they pay you well? Food? Accommodation?

I saw you at the HDB construction site as well, when I was in the MRT train passing by the site. You were wearing the same thing, hard hat and yellow boots. You were working under the same condition, the same risks and danger. This time, you were carrying some heavy equipment here and there.

How is your family back at home? Your grandfather, grandmother, father, mother, brothers, sisters? Did they buy the land and build a house with the money you sent them yet? How about the girl in the photograph that you keep in your wallet, that you take out every night to look at? Is she your girlfriend? She must be missing you alot. I’m sure you miss her too.

I must say that I am sorry for how my countrymen see you. I am sorry if they call you a Bangladeshi even though you are from New Delhi. The people here tend to stereotype because they really are not as exposed as they think they are. This city-state here is really cosmopolitan, but the people are not quite.

I’m sorry if they laugh at you when you hold your friend’s hand. My countrymen do not understand that these your friends are all you have in this foreign land. They simply do not understand that cultures different from theirs exist in this world. To them, a man holding a man’s hand is being homosexual. Sorry, they are that shallow, please understand.

I am sorry if they say that you have stolen all of their jobs and have left them unemployed. They are just being sour about getting retrenched because they are so choosy with their jobs. Don’t worry, you have not stolen their jobs. They wouldn’t go build roads, build houses, or wash the floor even if they were given the opportunity to. You are doing something that none of us would do, so don’t be too bothered by what they say.

I am sorry if my countrymen shun you, if they display their displeasure when you want to stay in their estate. They are like that, really. They want to tell themselves that they are so accepting, kind and magnanimous, but when it comes to their own neighbourhood, they get really fussy about it. You can stay anywhere you want, just not in their estate, or so they say.

I must thank you though. I must thank you for building such nice houses for me. For building such sturdy and beautiful roads. For keeping the estate clean every day. For clearing the rubbish from the chute every week. Your contribution to this city-state is way greater than what my countrymen think. They think that our houses and roads are built instantly and automatically. They think that the estate is clean simply because they did not litter on the floor. They are like that, sorry. They really do not recognize that these things are built and done by your hands.

You have done a wonderful job in this city-state, and I hope my countrymen will appreciate you, and that things will get better for you. For now, please take good care of yourself and keep up the good work in this place.

Regards,
A fellow human being who happened to be born in Singapore

the things we miss

The reunion dinner this evening turns out to be a little more meaningful than usual, for me at least.

I always look forward to reunion dinners because they are ALWAYS so heartwarming, and not to mention stomach-warming as well.

This year's reunion is a tad special, because so many things happened in the past year, so many things that one would wish have not happened. This reunion dinner, compared to last year's is simply so different.

It's almost a reminder for me to pay attention to the smaller things in life.

This is the first time in a really long time that I am eating the reunion dinner in Clementi. Clementi is the hometown of my childhood and it really feels nostalgic to be having reunion dinner at the block where you used to stay. That was the time when the entire extended family stayed within walking distance from each other.

Over time we moved out, another family moved out, and only one lone auntie of mine stayed behind in Clementi, as if to keep the nostalgia intact when we should come back. And in the end, we did come back.

It's a small house, 3-room, the ventilation is rather poor and the fact that we were having steamboat didn't really help. Some of us young ones had to sit on the floor. But still, it's cozy. Cozy. I know its a cliche to juxtapose cozy with comfort. I know, but it really is.

There isn't anything to do but to eat and watch tv. Still, that always seem sufficient for CNYs. Partly it's because I hardly watch the tv with anybody because I have one in my room, and partly it's because its CNY and there's always nice shows on. Just sitting there, crapping with my cousin and sipping green tea and then white chrysanthemum tea, that's enough for me.

My auntie suffered a condition that caused her to lose her eyesight only about a year ago. And my uncle's dedication and support for her has always been an inspiration to me. Just this evening, I spotted him reading to her all the 4D winning numbers shown on the TV screen.

"First prize: 1234... 2nd prize: 4321.... Consolation prize: 2314, 2431..."

Not that it really mattered whether she wants to know the 4D numbers or not, it's just my uncle wanting to continue giving her a glimpse of the world around her even if she cannot see. He is her eyes. And he will tell her everything she would have seen. What's on the table, who's at the table, what's on tv etc etc.

(it's so moving that I am tearing even as I am typing this, so I shall stop)

And then when I went to the kitchen, I spotted this staff/stick thing that we use to put bamboo poles up in the ceiling when we want to dry them indoors. I'm not sure what they are called, but the ones we use now is made of either plastic or aluminium. The one I saw, is made completely of wood! And not just made of wood, the stick itself is a branch! Someone obviously just cut it off from some tree, used it to hang clothes and here it is! According to my parents, that particular stick has been around even before I was born. Can you imagine? The history of the stick and the different types of clothes it has seen and has helped to hang dry?

Nostalgia, memories, history. These things always have a special meaning for me. Old house, old things, old relationships, old people. Some times we simply detach ourselves from them and live our lives on the fast track. Achieving, getting what we want, becoming so different. And when we come back to these places to find that these things are still there, you begin to wonder.

What have these people, places and things gone through while I was gone?

What have I missed?

Questions

the little girl walks in
to the chapel.

The Messiah Christ hangs on
the wooden cross.

she asks.
He answers.

in her innocence.
In His Glory.

"why are you hanging on the cross?"
Because I died for you

"why did you die for me?"
Because I saved you.

"why did you save me?"
Because I love you.

"why do you love me?"
Because I created you.

"why did you create me?"

silence

She leaves the chapel to her parents.
"I talked with Jesus!"

he appears from behind the curtains.
"now that's a hard one."

No Foul Play Suspected

(On a woman who committed suicide by jumping from the fourteenth floor of an HDB block of flats; her family said she was unemployed, had been suffering from cancer for a year and had had a boyfriend who broke off with her when she told him about her illness.)

'No foul play suspected.'
Presence of ill-health, money problems, a broken love
affair
Is absence of foul play.
And so
Police file, newspaper report, family conscience
Can be closed and put away

In this case, there were all three, poor woman.
What about the suicide note?
That, say the police
Is even greater proof
That no foul play took place in this woman's death.

But there was plenty of foul play in my life
The woman must have thought
As she hurtled past
The pair of slippers later found by the railing

The one-room rented flat
The ex-lover
The incredible solitude
To meet the shocked upward gaze of a child on his
way to school,
And land near the shocked child's feet.
"Did you see anyone with the woman before she fell?"
asked the police.
"No, only the woman," said the dazed child truthfully.
"She was alone."
And that was yet more proof.

- Catherine Lim

I can't.

A leader in the future?

I'm sorry, I'm afraid not.
I'm simply
not good enough
miss the mark
imperfect.

I question too much.
I expect too much.
I say too much.
(I write too much.)

I will stumble all the younglings.
I don't know too many things.

I
am not even sure of
my
own
faith.

And the worst part?
I admit to them.
I show it all.

Sorry.
I don't think I am
the person you are looking for.

I don't even have a halo on my head.

Volcanic Lightning

There's also an aesthetic pleasure in watching lightning events: Any kind of volcanic lightning is just "supergorgeous," Uman said. "It's one of our best natural phenomena."

- from "New Lightning Type Found Over Volcano?"

Looks abit like... Mount Doom from "The Lord of The Rings" :X

Human Freewill VS God’s Will

This is probably one of the biggest debates, both in the secular world and in the Christian world. Is there human freewill, or is everything under God’s will, commonly known as fate?

It is no wonder why this is such a big debate. Whether you are Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu, Christian, you want to know if what you have a choice in the things that you do, or is your god in control of every single thing in your life, including how much hair grows on your head. Even if you are an atheist, you are also likely to be curious if you have a say in life, or is everything under the bigger umbrella of “fate”.

At a glance, this argument seems simple enough. Humans either have freewill, or they don’t. But when one digs just a tiny bit deeper, things get a little complicated.

But before I go into that, let’s establish some things first. Human freewill and God’s will are two concepts that are highly irreconcilable. That is to say, if human have freewill in their lives, then God’s will is not going to have a say. If God’s will exist in our lives, then human freewill will be extinguished.

Why do I say that? Let me explain.

If there is human freewill, it would very well mean that human has control over the decisions he makes in his life. With that, it would therefore also mean that God has no control over the life of man, because control over one’s life cannot be shared. This is because human’s decisions in life will very unlikely coincide with that of God’s, and if control is shared, God will simply intervene and there will be no freewill on human’s side. Say we take up this camp of the argument, then that would mean everything in this world will be up to chance, and a complex interaction of human decisions.

So maybe we feel that this is not the case. That God’s will is the order of the day. Then there can probably be no human freewill. This is very simply because everything we do will be decided by the almighty, and we have no power to decide what we want to do. Power cannot be shared as well, as any intervention from God’s side will simply rob humans of their will. Why else would God intervene? Is it not to make sure that humans do things according to the way that he willed it to be?

Now that we have established these, let’s take a closer look at the issue. More than freewill is at stake here. If we slant to the side of human freewill, we are very much undermining the power of God in this world, or even destroy the very notion of God itself, and ultimately of religion. So really, it’s not as simple as going to one side or the other.

In this piece, I must first declare that I am not trying to solve this issue by finding out what is right and what is wrong. I simply know too little, and this limited knowledge does not allow me to answer any questions, or make any decisions for an issue as big as this. I only seek to explore the possibilities here.

Let us look at the reality. And I’ll take the Christian’s viewpoint here, simply because I am Christian and would therefore be not adequate to take any other viewpoint due to the lack of knowledge.

The Christian believes that Man has freewill, and that God has a foreknowledge of that freewill. Meaning, Man has the will to sin, and God knows beforehand that Man will be sinning. Simply put, Man can decide whether he wants to sin or not (therefore having freewill), but God already knows that he will sin (foreknowledge). So, here, if you have not realised it already, is a big contradiction. As explained earlier, these two ideas cannot exist.

If God has a foreknowledge that Man will sin, it cannot equate to freewill simply because Man no longer has any choices to make but to sin. This means that God already knows that you will sin, and you will then be saved or not, and then go to heaven or hell (this is the Christian stand). Simply put, God knows where you will end up in the end, heaven or hell, and whatever you do, to be saved or not to be is already pre-determined because God has already decided so, or rather, foreseen. Your choice is already foretold, it’s already decided. If that is so, then what choice do you actually have? What’s the point of making the choice even?

If Man has freewill, he can then choose to not sin, but that would undermine the God’s omniscience. If Man does not sin, that would mean that God was wrong. And if God was wrong, He is not perfect. And if He is not perfect, He cannot be the God that we perceive Him to be. God will be torn down.

Now now now, that is a little blasphemous isn’t it? I have basically torn down an argument that so many Christians hold in order to uphold the fact that we have freewill and that God is omniscient. But let’s try to salvage it a little.

The earlier argument stands on the point that God foresees our actions because He already knows the end and result. But let’s twist that a little. Let’s say God does not have perfect knowledge of what’s going to happen in the future, but just simply a perfect knowledge of us as human beings. The fact that He created all of us (assuming that this is true) would very much qualify this statement. So He has to have a perfect knowledge of EVERYONE in this world, because He created everyone.

Now let’s assume that God has a mind that far overpowers any super computer in this world. And using the knowledge that He has of everybody (note, it’s not the future that he has knowledge of, but of people), He uses a calculation to map out all the possibilities that everyone will encounter, how these possibilities will affect the person’s choices in life, and how these choices will affect the future of this person. If that is the case, it is highly possible that God is capable of calculating the future of a person. Calculating the future (also termed “suan ming” in Chinese) is not the same as knowing the future. This would thus give Man a certain degree of freewill.

But the Christian will not accept this argument, even if it means satisfying their concept of freewill and God’s foreknowledge. And the only reason for this is because they will want to believe that their God is omniscient. If God is omniscient, He will have to have perfect knowledge of the future. However, at the same time, the Christian also wants to believe that he has freewill, he wants to tell the people around him that it is their choice whether or not they want to be saved (although in his heart, he probably knows that God has already foreseen it). The Christian will want to tell you that it is in his freedom whether or not he wants to carry out God’s will.

That would of course sound like a very convincing argument. God has a will for us, and it is up to us whether or not we want to carry it out. It seems to satisfy the contradiction, but it really does not. Because if God is omniscient, He already knows whether or not we will carry it out, and if He knows, what freewill do we have? Everything is already determined in this case, and I am only repeating arguments presented earlier. If we exercise our freewill and do something that God has not foreseen, that would undermine His power of foreseeing, and He is no longer omniscient.

Ultimately, the concept of human freewill and God’s will and omniscience can never be reconciled. It is a contradiction. As much as Christianity tries to present it as a whole and satisfy the best of both worlds, the contradictions still remain and arguments to present it as a satisfied whole remain flawed.

That is how Christianity works. Until today, it remains a religion that is flawed and filled with contradictions and loopholes. However, that doesn’t mean we should abandon it all together. It is just like any other religion. There are always points for contention, but that is only to be expected. Religion is man-made, and man-made things are never perfect.

Rather than using flawed arguments to cover up something that is imperfect, perhaps it is better that we accept these imperfections as they are and keep exploring. The moment we stop exploring religion is the moment we stop learning about it. Nobody is right or wrong because nobody knows the answers anyway. Aren’t we all in the same journey of discovery?

Monster

The flu bug is on the loose now.

Friends are all suffering from the ravage.

I should start eating healthy, sleep early, and drink more water.

I think I failed to achieve the "sleep early" part already, with this post at 2.38am.

And to all my friends who are under influence of this tiny but devastating monster, please get well soon. I'll be praying for all of you. :D Remember to eat healthy, sleep early and drink more water!

Here's a friendly hygiene message to remind everyone to please cover your mouth when you sneeze. A little act of hygenic kindness goes a long way: for your image and for the sake of everyone around you.

in the afternoon

the sun beats down
on our already
Sunny island.

the tarmac road
responds with
a little heat-wave mirage.

"Aiyoooo!
So
HOT!"

the auntie in her
elaborate jewellery
exclaims.

she proceeds to
open an
Umbrella.