'Cause you bring out the best in me, like no one else can do.

Dear Students,

It has been brought to my attention that some of you did not procure the prescribed course texts. Only the Aeneid, the Metamorphoses and the Confessions are not available on edventure. I will allow you to bring alternative editions of these three texts into the exam as long as you e-mail me publication details of the alternative texts you're using prior to the exam. Anyone caught plagiarizing from the critical apparatus on these books will be crucified upside down.

I realise that the bookshop failed to order the books, but in the age of internet shopping - which some of you appear to be able to do even while listening to lectures - there's absolutely no excuse for not having the right books for your classes. Please do not come into my classes in future with this kind of careless attitude. I was very emphatic at the start of the semester about the requirement that we all read the same editions of these texts.

I realised today that my lecturer has been harbouring a great amount of hatred for us which has penultimately led up to the sending of this email, threatening to crucify us upside down. On hindsight, I wonder if those throwing of greek-bombs at us, such as 'method = meta + hodos', were really ways of getting back at us for not finishing the required readings or for the few people who can't keep their mouths shut during lectures.

I realised also, that if he indeed had been harbouring such a great amount of hatred, we could be in really deep trouble this Wednesday.

Tonight's the night, for the sinners and the saints. Two worlds collide, in a beautiful display.

I am not become any kind of an Atheist, nor yet positivist, at least, not as to the extreme religious position of those who make a religion out of Humanity - for although I wish my fellow men well, and find them endlessly interesting, yet there are more things in Heaven and Earth than were created for their, that is our, benefit. The impulses to religion might be the need to trust - or the capacity for wonder - and my own religious feelings have always been inspired more by the latter. I find it hard to shift without the Creator - the more we see and understand, the more amazement there is in this strangely interrelated heap of things - which is yet not disordered...

...The truth is - my dear Miss LaMotte - that we live in an old world - a tired world - a world that has gone on piling up speculation and observations until truths that might have been graspable in the bright Dayspring of human morning - by young Plotinus or the ecstatic John on Patmos - are now obscured by palimpsest on palimpsest, by thick horny growths over that clear vision - as moulting serpents, before they burst forth with their new flexible-brilliant skins, are blinded by the crusts of their old one - or we might say, as the lovely lines of faith that sprung up in the aspiring towers of the ancient minsters and abbeys are both worn away by time and grime, softly shrouded by the smutty accretions of our industrial cities, our wealth, our discoveries themselves, our Progress. Now I cannot believe, being no Manichee, that He, the Creator, if he exists, did not make us and our world that which we are. He made us curious, did he not? - he made us questioning - and the Scribe of Genesis did well to locate the source of all our misery in that greed for knowledge which has also been our greatest spur - in some sense - to good. To good and evil. We have more of both those, I must believe, than our primitive parents.

Now, my great question is, has He withdrawn Himself from our vision so that by diligence of our own matured minds we might find out his Ways - now so far away from us - or have we by sin, or by some necessary thickening of our skins before the new stages of the metamorphosis - have we reached some stage which necessitates our consciousness of our ignorance and distance - and is this necessity health or sickness?

- "Randolph Henry Ash's letter" in Possession, A. S. Byatt

So kiss me and smile for me. Tell me that you'll wait for me.

Today is the first time in a long time that I actually stayed within a 1km radius from my house (I can't say home because I did leave my house to buy lunch) and I realised that I accomplished so much more than an average day out.

Here's what I accomplished:

1. Read Possession. (slow reading, because I really want to take my time to enjoy this)

2. Practiced guitar. (Scales, cords, tried songs but it was so difficult that it got demoralising so I stopped)

3. Swept and mopped my room.

4. Paid credit card bills.

5. Bought lunch home from Yew Tee.

6. Rented 十月围城 ("Bodyguards and Assassins") from video store at Yew Tee.

7. Watched 十月围城 ("Bodyguards and Assassins") while having lunch.

8. Revised for HL105, which is for this Friday. (HL105, in my opinion is the easiest Lit paper to revise for. Because there is so little text, and so little to revise, compared to... you know, 107 )

I really feel that I've done quite abit, but on the other hand, I feel a lack of connection with my friends because I have not corresponded with them for the entire day. I practically have not held a conversation with anyone except my mum (of which the conversation consisted only of dinner contents).

This is declared an effecient day, but not healthy for my social life in the long run. (public life V private life, Butterfly V Beetle, Abraham's Promise)

in other news: I am still convincing myself that we ACTUALLY booked tickets for Taiwan already. It's so surreal. It's like a dream, that we are really going to fly off this August. I am happy. It's the kind of things that will keep me smiling in my dreams for weeks.

ALL DONE

Yes at last. I love the sight of striking off every assignment I have on the list. :D

10 reasons to know if you should study literature

1. You carry a novel wherever you go. Wait, did I say JUST a novel?

2. A friend tells you, "Why are you so slow? It is really cold!" and you go, "Hey, that rhymes!"

3. You see something, say a mark on the wall, and you think of everything other thing EXCEPT the mark on the wall.

4. When you read the term PAP, the first thing that comes to mind is Pride and Prejudice.

5. You always feel disappointed after watching a novel based movie. But you still want to watch novel based movies all the time.

6. You are hoping for a particular novel to be turned into a movie and hoping it will not be a disappointment.

7. You have some sort of "quote stash" somewhere.

8. You have some crush for an author or even character.

9. You have a habit of just staring at your bookshelf and admiring the beauty of all your books.

10. People keep asking you if you want to be a teacher when you graduate.

trip woes

I don't know. I really really don't know. How did I get filled up with so much animosity? Why did I react so violently (not physically, but mentally)? I have no idea at all. It's not that I hate him. No, I don't hate him. But why? Why oh why am I so concerned about this matter? I really don't get myself sometimes. I see him as a friend, I really do. He's a nice guy, he shows concern, he drives me home when we go out. And now he wants to tag along on our little trip... how come...

Maybe it's because we started off with just us. And I expect it to be just us because we started off with just us. It's us who hoped together for ST to go, it's us who got together our dreams, our desires, our expectations and came up with this plan. It's ultimately - our plan. That may sound a little exclusive, I admit, but it's the best reason I could come up with. However... you are right... you are right in saying its okay for him to tag along. You are right in saying that you don't see any reason why we shouldn't let him come aboard... because, I don't see any reason as well.

I am a little surprised at myself even. When you said, "Meng Hui, I thought you would be okay with it one leh!" I really wondered. Yes. I thought I would be okay with it also. But what happened to me? Again, the question - where did all this animosity come from? This thing... monster... hiding in me, probably with many other monsters, slowly creeping it's way out of my soul. Meng Hui... what happened to the easy going, everything-okay, 爽快 Meng Hui? Maybe maybe...

What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.

- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"

Maybe Shakespeare was wrong. Maybe everything is in a name. Maybe I wasn't Meng Hui when I reacted like that, maybe I wasn't Don either. Maybe... I was another person altogether. Maybe that's why I feel uncomfortable when people who used to call me Don called me Meng Hui and those who call me Meng Hui calls me Don. And then I... I don't know what to call this 'other' person. This other identity.

I don't know. This is really killing me. I feel like I'm getting torn into two. Maybe not into two. I just... don't feel myself. But then again, who is "myself" to start with? Is it the identity I assumed and am now performing? Is my identity the one that I am acting, or the one that I am an actor? I want to just peel myself down to the core like an onion and scream at what I will find "JUST WHO ON EARTH ARE YOU?!", scream at myself, scream at... nothing.

What am I but identities? A mish-mash of identities? Rings after rings of performance onion. You strip it down and you will find more rings of performance, of acting and more and more and more. You think you can find the true onion in the core, but no. You, I, all I find is just more rings, more rings, and when i reach the centre, emptiness stare at me. Silence. Who am I but performance onion rings?

"But how come you don't let him come along but let her tag along?" I don't know. Okay? I don't know. I really really don't know. Don't ask me, ask him, the other me. He should know. He should know very well. If you ask me, I will just tell you that I also won't let her tag along, because we planned this as a group and this is "our plan". It's exclusive. But then again... she's different.. from him...

Maybe it's how he likes to put himself on a moral highground. Maybe it's how she's always willing to listen to my rather unconventional and controversial views and then tells me how she thought about the same thing and really comforts me in telling me that it's alright and it's human and how she teaches me how to live my christian life alongside these thoughts. Maybe it's how he's so over-enthusiastic at times (but what's wrong with being over-enthusiastic?) Maybe it's... I don't know. They are just different.

I'm sorry if I acted weird. I'm sorry if I looked really grumpy. I really thank all of you for your concerns, and for planning this trip together. I love all of you. I'm feeling okay now. I just hope everything will just turn out well. I thank God for all of you friends. Let's get these essays and exams over and done with and then we can enjoy Taiwan 110%! :D

Captain-ship

"How's YCG leadership ministry going along for you?"

This question plays in my head like... like... iTunes that hanged and therefore sounds like a broken music player.

I understand everybody's concerns and all, but really, what do you expect me to say? I'm still trying to find my way around, I'm still unclear about many things and I really don't know what I should say.

"Well, it's been alright."

And well, it has been, actually.

The ride has been rather smooth so far. Initiatives such as the YCG bonding session were implemented pretty okay. We've set down the new plan and direction for my YCG. Everything is moving along pretty well.

However, it's been only a week and I have already learnt my first lesson of being in the YCG ministry: Faith.

I'm someone who loves to have things in control. In whatever I do, I want to know the plans, I want to know my options, I want to know the possible outcomes, I want to know the steps. I want to be able to know what to do at which step and what might happen and what to do when that something happen.

It's something I picked up from my army experience, really. Because when I am put out there to do the things I do, I've got to have the whole gameplan in my mind. No one's going to prompt me, no one's going to give me warning signs or tell me I'm going in a wrong direction. One wrong move and... well, shan't say more.

But anyway, I am like that. And I brought this mentality into the ministry. I worked out the plan for my YCG, I identify problems, I start a few initiatives. It's been okay, but not everything is as I would have expected it to be.

First week into the ministry and I'm made to be the captain of the mini-soccer team that we are having. Now this is something a little different. I've never had to go source for manpower for anything before. Manpower is usually given to me whenever I need something done. This time, I had to go figure out who I should call, call them and really really PRAY and HOPE that they will turn up on Saturday.

This is not the army. I don't tell the guy to come and expect him to come because I am going to give him extra duties or confinement if he doesn't turn up. Here, I ask if the guy will come and really hope that he will come because it doesn't matter to him whether he turns up or not. It's not as if I know them very well. It's not as if I am their greatest buddy whom they can't disappoint. I am just another leader getting the team together.

And this where faith comes in. I am not the phone-chatter type. So for me to pick up the phone and ask people if they are coming for soccer the next day is a pretty foreign thing to me. I did consider the usage of SMS, but really, I want to connect with them. I don't want to just send a mass sms and let them know of the time and venue.

What should I say to them? How do I connect with them? How do I let them know that I am sincerely asking them to come and enjoy a game of soccer tomorrow?

I don't know. I really really don't know. All I know was that I have to mutter a prayer and just pick up my phone and call them and hope they pick up their phone. They did. One by one, they picked up their phone, and I just managed to so casually strike up a conversation with them.

In the end, they all came. They all turned up on the pitch, all ready to have fun and play soccer. Really, it didn't matter that we won (which I am also happy about), but all that mattered was that they all came down in full support. That's what touched me the most.

And that's how it is with faith. It's not about doing the things that we are good at, that we know what to do, that we already have a plan for. It's really about doing the complete opposite and trusting God to help you with it.

This is only the beginning of my journey. There are many things ahead of me that I really have no idea how to accomplish. Things that are so foreign, so new, so unfamiliar to me. Things like calling people up and asking how their life is and having "follow-up" with them. I can ask all the leaders that I want to, but ultimately I will need faith and God's help to find the right words and the right things to say and ask.

I don't know everything. But really, I don't need to know everything.

A proposal to solve the foreign labour problem in our Land

TO The People of the Elite Republic:

Recently there has been an increase in displeasure concerning the influx of foreign workers from India and China in our land. People are displeased as the import of foreign talents meant that our jobs are stolen and there is less space in our already cramped state.

Trains become overcrowded because of these foreign workers. Places where foreign workers hang out are reportedly to be unsafe and more police presence is requested. There is also a hygiene problem associated with foreign workers.

I understand that because our society is such a fine and refined and re-refined place, it is really difficult to accept these foreign talents. The presence of these talents will only taint our perfect society where everybody is gracious and kind and courteous. Their presence puts the safety of our children and women at risk as all our locals are perfectly law abiding people and there would be no crime if not for the foreign workers.

Because of this very serious problem of the import of foreign talents, I propose the following solution to solve this problem.

These foreign workers have been employed here for purposes such as construction, road maintenance, garbage clearing, road sweeping and other jobs that require hard labour. These jobs need to be carried on in order to maintain the perfect city that we are currently enjoying. In order to shift these workers out of our country, perhaps the only solution is for our citizens to take up such jobs.

These tasks are difficult, and only those who have been trained will be able to do it. Because of this difficulty, we will have to begin selecting children from every family and put them through specific training for the specified tasks and make them carry out these roles with professionalism. After their training, they will then join the profession (construction worker, road sweeper, garbage clearer etc) and pursue it as a career for their whole life.

Because these jobs are important in the maintenance of our city as a clean and green and perfect city, I suggest that we get the people who are most responsible and gracious to do it for us. In view of this, we should therefore enlist the children of families whose income lies in the top 10% of this city. There also other reasons for this.

Getting the rich to do this low paying task would also contribute in closing the income gap, which is a social problem that the gracious and thoughtful rich has been trying to solve but couldn’t find a solution to. We are solving two problems with one solution here, which I believe goes in line with the efficiency and productivity mentality that this city subscribes to.

Such a proposal not only solves the problem of foreign workers in this city, but also closes the income gap, and it even allows the gracious and kind rich to do their part in developing this country. No one will be here to steal our jobs because our children will be trained to fill these jobs. There will be no more cramped trains. The city will be so safe that we won't even need to have the police force anymore. I strongly encourage the citizens to think through this proposal and put it into action.

Breathe

It's that time of the semester. Assignments and project deadlines are just around the corner. Essays are due. Meetings after meetings after meetings. And the examinations are just waiting ahead to deal the final blow to our already miserable student life.

It's that time when everybody start posting hate tweets about their lecturers and project group mates, when people start writing doom posts on their blogs and become very emo on Facebook.

It's that time of the semester when I have to wake up early every single morning to go for project meetings or lessons and have 2 essays waiting for me to write and I have no mood to write either and have decided to blog instead. Oh, the irony!

I felt a little overwhelmed during yesterday's(Tuesday) lecture. It wasn't the content of the lecture. HL105 has always been rather easy for simple-minded people like me. (unlike HL107, Classical Literature for Masters in Philosophy)

It was really the accumulation of readings and project works and lectures and tutorials and church and life and everything else that comes with it. It happens sometimes: when you suddenly feel as if everything is so heavy and overwhelming you can hardly catch your breath before the next something catches up on you and says "HEY START WORK NOW! START WORK NOW!"

It's horrible, this endless race and this paper chase. I tell myself to be more optimistic about it. I even tell others to cheer up. I tell them that we are not here to be educated, but to experience education. I give myself a new reason to go to school each day other than to study. But still, I have to admit, it's difficult. GPA remains a fact that we have to grapple with. It's there. It's staring at us. It holds the key to our future. How can I just simply ignore it?

But even so, we are not robots. We may be cultivated like one, we may be educated like one, but WE ARE NOT ROBOTS. Give yourself a break. I have to give myself a break. I am not here to be educated, I am here to experience education. That still holds true to me. GPA is still important to me. But I won't put my soul down on the altar for GPA's sake.

I may be overwhelmed, I may feel burdened, but no, it's not going to bring me down. If I need to step out of lecture theatre and take a breather, I will. I will breathe the air, the natural and non-air-conditioned air. I will let the fresh air fill my lungs again.

I will breathe. I am human.

Fly

We should always remember
what got us to fly in the air
wasn't wings,
but dreams.

Atheism

“I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” – Stephen Roberts

This is too difficult for me. Help.

A.R.T

ART is sighTing. ART is heARing.
ART is Touching. ART is TAsTing.

ART is hAppy. Art is sAd.
ART is feAR. Art is Awe.

ART is nATuRAl. ART is ARTificiAl
ART is ReAl. ART is surreAl.

ART is plAin. ART is AbsTRAcT.
ART is pRivATe. ART is sociAl.

ART is YOU.
ART is ME.

ART is LOVE.
ART is LIFE.

'High Wind Takes to The Skies'

Have I ever mentioned that the Highwind from FFVII is my favourite airship from all the FF series? Ragnarok only looks awesome in the CG video when it is attacking the Lunatic Pandora. Highwind looks great anywhere.



Well, there's not much competition anyway. I don't know any airships from pre-FFVII and from FFIX onwards, the airships have practically disappeared. I don't know why, so don't ask me. They still have airships, but you can no longer control them like how you can in FFVII and FFVIII.



I remember having fun (and LOTS of fun) by just simply flying Highwind around the world. I'll put it just on top of Midgar, I'll try to 'park' it in the empty lot where the rocket used to be in Rocket Town, I'll hover it just over the Northern Crater, I'll see how fast I can get from one end of the map to another, I'll fly on the sea just to see the little spray that the airship creates over water, I'll point the Highwind in the direction that Sister Ray in Midgar is facing and see if it really can hit Northern Crater. And of course, I remember chasing Ultima Weapon on it. And, knocking into Ruby Weapon. And, knocking into the Northern Crater's barrier before Sister Ray shot it. *BANG*



Inside the Highwind, you will find the meeting room where you will find the most used save point in the game. You will also find Yuffie getting airsick and asking you to give her all your materia once its all over. There's also the chocobo corner where you can store your favourite chocobo! Inside the cockpit you will find the rest of the gang and 2 crewmen who are always busy and panicking and if you talk to one, he will make an error in whatever he was doing. But of course, the most important person in the Highwind is the pilot, who will level up and become only a full-fledged pilot when you reach the final confrontation stage and then he will open turbo for the Highwind. (even up till today I can't decide if I like the Highwind with or without the turbo)

And of course, the Highwind was the backdrop for the most romantic scene in FFVII. Who can forget that?



Dang, I am missing FFVII again.

Past Present Future

Basically a brief summary of what I've been doing, what I'm doing, and what I will have to be doing.

The Journey To Seek

A man goes on a journey to seek god. The man does not want to just believe. He wants to find god even if he knows he will never find him. People around him tells him not to. They say it's too dangerous. They say he should just believe. "You will never find god, you can only believe!" They try their best to pursuade him. "Stay here, just stay here. Don't go out there, you'll never find what you want."

He goes on a journey to seek god. There is a rumour going on. The rumour says god can be found in Logic. He goes to Logic. Such a journey takes him miles and miles away from home. Some of his friends at home say he's lost forever. Lost on a journey to Logic. He reaches Logic, and finds no god. God does not stay here.

He goes on a journey to seek god. There is another rumour: On the top of Mt. Reason, you will find the almighty. He goes. He climbs and he climbs. He gave Mt. Reason all that he has. At last, he reaches the summit. He finds no god. God does not stay here.

He goes on a journey to seek god. And yet there is another rumour. In the city of Evidence! That's where you will find him! So says the rumour. He goes. He picks up all the clues, little hints here and there. And at last, he reaches the city, and yet, he finds no god. God does not stay here.

He goes on a journey to seek god. But he finds no god. He returns to his hometown, and the townsmen made fun of him. "Look, back from his wonderful journey! Have you found god? Tell us the logic, show us your reason and present your evidence. We told you that you'll never find him."

The man went on a journey to seek god. But he never found him. He should never find him. If he did find god, then god wouldn't be God. He did not find God, but he found why he could believe in God.

The man went on a journey to seek God, didn't find God, but found faith instead. Now he knows what he does not know. It's not blind faith, because he knows where to place his belief in. Not in Logic. Not in Mt. Reason. Not in the city of Evidence. Not in his hometown Religion. He places in belief only on God, because that's the only thing he couldn't find.

The people at his hometown says he has wasted his time because he had went on a journey and came back to where he was. But that's not the case. At least for him, he has went to Logic, Mt. Reason and the city of Evidence. He may not have returned with the answer. But he has returned with the experience of the journey.

"Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving." - Terry Pratchett

Decisions. Decisions. (on serving the local church)

“Do you have any desire to be YCG leader?”

“Er... no. I don’t think so.”

“WHAT?!” *grabs chair to whack me* (jokingly of course)

“Er, I have many thoughts which are really controversial to the religion, which I don’t think is appropriate and might be stumbling.”

“It’s ok. I also have controversial thoughts what, remember I talked to you all about casino? (which he did) Also very controversial what. (not that controversial actually)”

“Aiya... I’ll go home and think about it...”

And I SHALL think about it. And I shall be straightforward. And I shall use plain English.

There are obviously many reasons why I don’t want to step into the YCG leader ministry. The main reason being how I have been disillusioned and disappointed with some leaders whom I have worked with in the past.

I always wonder why some leaders just refuse to work together for a common goal. (if we are doing this for God, shouldn't we be doing this for God together?) This region event has been most sobering. Leaders whom I asked to act for the drama just simply refuse to. Reasons: Not free (even though he/she finished A’Levels and is like super free), Don’t feel like it, Don’t know how to act (and don’t want to learn, obviously). And yet, when they talk, they act as if they are doing oh so much for the ministry, that the ministry is taking up SO much of their time. I don’t know what to call this.

And then there’s this thing about myself. In my quest to explore religion and its truths, I somehow detached myself from the religion itself (but not backslide) and now I just can’t buy everything the pastors say simply because I am a Christian and have to be a good boy. This detachment came naturally, but only because I was seeking to be objective about the things I think and write. And because of this detachment, things like “Because God says so” or “Because we really can’t understand God’s ways anyway” or “Even Jesus didn’t know why He died” sounds very weak excuses to be ignorant about loops holes and imperfections. I have become a little too critical, and the bad part is that I don’t see anything bad about it.

I am someone who never believed in “ministry”. Because to me, a Christian’s ministry is in living his/her life. Ministry in church is something I call ‘recognized ministry’. That means it is something that you do for God and people recognize you for it. Sometimes, people take recognized ministry more importantly than their life ministry, which makes them a little of a hypocrite and I don’t want that to happen to me.

So that’s going to be why I probably won’t want to join the YCG leaders ministry. But I said I will think about it, so I have to think about why I should join the YCG leaders ministry. There’s always the flip side to the coin, so let’s flip it.

This took me awhile, and I had to talk to a few friends.

“God doesn’t just call people to be leaders. He sometimes calls people to be leaders of leaders.”

While discussing with a friend, this sentence struck me. Not because I am so egoistic that I want to be a leader of the leaders, but because it really coincided with my vision for the YCG ministry.

Personally, I really want my region’s leaders to improve themselves, to put their effort and heart into producing quality work, to be true to themselves, to put their heart and soul into the ministry. However, I really am not achieving much by being an armchair critic and always talking bad about them. If I want change, I have to be the agent of change, I have to lead the change that I want to see in the people I want to change.

And that was the reason why Jeff and I got ourselves to be involved in the planning of the region event anyway. Because we got sick of last minute preparation, rushed work and poor performance. Because we wanted to see the leaders change and realise that being efficient is possible. If this event itself is not enough to stir them, then being a leader myself probably might.

But what of my thoughts and ideas to pursue greater understanding and truths? Am I to abandon them for the sake of having a halo on my head? I don’t think so. In fact, if I think that the pursuit of greater understanding and truths is a good thing, why am I so afraid of it if I become a leader? If it is ultimately a good thing, why can’t I teach people to pursue greater understanding and truths as well?

Becoming a leader doesn’t mean that I have to be like some of the bad ones whom I always have something against (and this is just my perception. Sometimes I just don't see enough to know that some people are really doing things that I do not get to see.) If I do, then that would defeat the purpose of joining the ministry in the first place, isn’t it? I can just be myself. Nobody said that I had to change the way I do things when I become a leader.

And then there are the commitments that I have to think about. School and training is really taking up a big bulk of my time already. And I don’t even know how much time the ministry will take from me. But really, time and commitments are the least important things to think about; because I believe that if I want to do something, I can always make time for it.

Only when I become a leader am I qualified to comment on other leaders, because only then can I say that I’ve “been there and done that”. Currently, it is very easy for other people to say, “aiya, you also not leader how you know what we leaders go through?” And there is truth in this. Often, I do feel that it is a tad unfair when I comment about the leaders without ever really understanding what they have to do.

And on the more biblical side, I do feel a little like Jonah when I think through this. Not because I fear being eaten by a giant fish when I go canoe training in MacRitchie, but because I am a little like Jonah when God calls him to Nineveh. Jonah refuses to go to Nineveh at first, and I can identify with how he must be feeling and what he must be thinking. “Aiya, is it even my fault that those people are screwing themselves up? Why must I be the one to go in there and make the change?”

God’s method really is man. If God has called Jonah to warn Nineveh of their impending doom, and was bothered enough to send a fish to get Jonah to do it; what about me? How can I turn my back and say no? How can I push it to somebody else?

It isn't just about me. Being in the ministry, or not, affects the people around me as well. Most directly, my own YCG. What will happen to them? Ton is a leader whom I respect, for his dedication and willingness to sacrifice. He is the one who has given so much of his time and money to get things done in the YCG. Its a pretty big pair of shoes to fill, actually.

How about teaching them? I haven't done it before. But really, that's no excuse. I've never been a person who say I can't do something just because I haven't done it before. Yet, I sometimes feel that I could easily teach the wrong thing. Because how I understand some things could really differ from another, or the given intepretation, even if I have a lesson plan on my hand.

And what if I don't take this up? I am surely going to disappoint pastor if I reject him in the face. And sometimes, I respect him too much to do that. Besides, I know that he too has a vision for the leaders to buck themselves up, to inspire others and to take more initiative. (well, I heard it straight from his mouth) He has a plan, and am I going to say no and make it hard for him? I don't think I am really prepared to do that.

How about my current assistant and soon-to-be leader Bernice? Am I going to leave to her by herself once Ton leaves, which I believe he will regardless of whether I take up the position or not. Isn't that being a little irresponsible? Just simply refusing to do the job because I didn't feel like it? Even if it's not just because I didn't feel like it, even if I have some reasons (which I currently think suffice more of being only excuses instead of reasons), it is still irresponsible. It's hard for her to do this alone, and I know it because I've been in this YCG for 5 years.

What of my friends? What of my Sunday lunch groupie? I know it seems so unimportant, but I've always regarded Sunday lunch as something important to me. It's like this little enclave after church, whereby anyone can join. It's for people who has friends in the YCG leader ministry, who has music practice to go to, who has rehearsals blah blah blah. It's so you won't have to wait alone, it's so you'll have company, so you can meet more friends and know more people. And I will miss them if I do join the ministry.

Ultimately, even if all my own reasonings don't matter because they don't seem convincing enough even to myself, I have to think about who am I going to do this for. I know I am going to do this for God, that's a given fact. But I can do a hundred and one other things for God. I think, if I ever do this, that I have to do it for the people that I care for. I can't do or not do it simply because I have such and such problems with myself, or because I have so and so reason. If I decide not to do it because I have issues with myself, or issues with other people, or because I don't feel like, it just seems so selfish. If the people around me feel that I am up to the job, why can't I just give myself a chance?

It's all about trying, isn't it? Why am I so afraid of failures? Aren't we all here to learn together?

Give it your best, try everything you can and then see what happens. It's always better to regret doing something than to regret not doing something.

At the wake.

What can we do when we sit down around the table? A plate of sweets and packets of drinks are offered to us. Paper plate, little packets of sweets that you won't eat anywhere else other than on these occasions. I open one, and I put it in my mouth. My packet of drink does not come with a straw.

What can we talk about? My mind was a blank. It drifts away while the hard sweet dissolves in my mouth. Nobody knows what to say. Nobody knows what to ask. On one side, there's a conversation about university admission. On the other, they talk about something else which I can't remember. A few people shift their seats because cigarette smoke was too close for comfort.

How is he feeling? I cannot even begin to fathom the hurt, grief, regret, and all the thousand other emotions that must be pounding his heart. It is too much for me, I will never understand because I have not experience such a loss. Grandfather/grandmother, yes. But one's own father, no. All I could manage was, "It must be really difficult to lose a father..."

It doesn't matter how he died. It doesn't matter if he was a Christian or did he accept Christ before he died. All that mattered to me was that he is somebody's father, and that he has passed away.

I don't know him very well. I've only spoken to him probably once or twice, met him on Heart.Sports. He probably don't even know me. He might recognise my face, but he won't know my name. Yet, I can't stop thinking about how he must be controlling his emotions, how he is still forcing himself to accept the fact that his father is not with him anymore, how he must be denying it all and wishing it was all just a very very bad dream.

I can't help but think about how close our age is with each other. I'm 22, and he's only 21. Yet, he had to go through this. It's too much. It's really too much. If this happened to me, I... I don't even know how I will handle it.

I remember when my grandmother passed away. That was a long long time ago. My mother and my aunties all seemed very normal at the wake. I was too young to know it back then, but on hindsight, they must have all been in denial. They must be hoping that it was a bad dream, and that if they played along with the dream, things might change. I know this because when they realised that it was not a dream, at the cremation, when they realised that it was the last time they would see their mother, they cried their eyes out.

Please don't ask me to define Singaporean Literature.

Local writer,
Singaporean,
What do you write about?
What can you write about?

Political constraint,
Lack of freedom,
Why define ourselves like this?
Why rob ourselves of freedom to write?

The HDB flats all look the same,
We lose our identity,
Have we really lost it?
Have we been moulded into one yet?

Please, no.

Take a closer look.
Look into the homes in the HDB flats.
They won't look the same.
They'd have identity.

Think outside the box.
Don't define yourselves.
Not yet, just not yet.
It's still too early to do that.

Fellow writers,
Singaporeans,
Don't write about Singapore,
Write in Singapore.

LOL

I was going home on a bus today and there was this secondary school kid next to me typing out an SMS on his phone. Being the Kay-Poh that I am, I went ahead to spy on what he's typing. (I'm like that so don't sit next to me next time, but I don't do that to friends :D) And it went like "Lol lol...."

Immediately, I thought to myself, "Lol lol? Why do you even use 2 LOLs for? Does it even make any sense?" However, I stopped there and did a little reflection, surely I must have typed like that when I was in secondary school. I might not have used 2 LOLs, but surely I have used one.

I wonder when was it that I banned myself from using "LOL" and instead used "HAHA" to represent any form of joy or laughter in a text message. And I wonder why did I choose to ban myself from using "LOL". These memories seem to be fading.

In other news, I paid $9 today just to have a doctor advise me not to run or strain my knee for two weeks. No wonder my parents keep encouraging me to be a doctor when I was young. (although I never become one and probably never will)

And, the weather sucks.

OK, sorry if you were expecting something serious and found this instead.

When Greek mythology meets America

*WARNING: Contains possible spoilers for "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief"*

When it is said that Greek mythology is a timeless classic that transcends boundaries of time and space, I don't think it is meant to be like in "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief". I watched it because Imaginarium has been taken off screen (so fast lo) and because... because it sounds like quite a good show.

It is entertaining. They involved quite a number Greek gods, or rather their children, instead of just focusing on the usual ones: Zeus and Poseidon. They touched on the lotus eaters home (which is an island in Homer's Odyssey but turned into a Las Vegas Casino here), introduced Medusa, Hydra and Hell Hounds and roped in a few of the other gods: Athena, Hermes, Hades, Aphrodite. I like how they did mention a little about Cronus and how Zeus and his bros killed him, because most people I talk to think that Zeus is like the 1st god or something.

It took me awhile before I got the lotus eating part, because I never thought it was going to be mentioned and also because "Poker Face" was playing in the background. But when I did get it, I went "OH!" and nearly jumped off my seat. But no one near me would know who the lotus eaters were anyway so I could only amuse myself with the parody. Here's a passage about the lotus eaters from Homer's The Odyssey:

"Nine days I drifted on the teeming sea
before dangerous high winds. Upon the tenth
we came to the coastline of the Lotos Eaters,
who live upon that flower. We landed there
to take on water. All ships' companies
mustered alongside for the mid-day meal.
Then I sent out two picked men and a runner
to learn what race of men that land sustained.
They fell in, soon enough, with Lotos Eaters,
who showed no will to do us harm, only
offering the sweet Lotos to our friends-
but those who ate this honeyed plant, the Lotos,
never cared to report, nor to return:
they longed to stay forever, browsing on
that native bloom, forgetful of their homeland."

- From The Odyssey Book IX, Lines 90 - 104, translated by Robert Fitzgerald

Just one thing I am not happy though. It is sooo American-ised. I understand that the gods might be able to go outside of Greece to look for pretty girls to hook up with, but all of them only went to the US of A? How come the half-blood camp is in America and it looks like an American boot camp or something?

Everything happens in the US of A, and everything is in the US of A. Seriously, WHAT THE HECK?! I've already talked about the half-blood camp, but Medusa's Lair also? How come its in America?! And what's with the lotus eaters opening a hotel in Las Vegas? And then, wah, the entrance into Hades also found in America ah? Hollywood somemore! And this is the best part. You know where's the entrance to Mt. Olympus? On the top of the Empire State Building, man! You go into an elevator and then "ding". Welcome to Mt. Olympus hotel.

Isn't it funny that Percy Jackson dates Annabeth Chase? That means Poseidon's son dating Athena's daughter. And Athena is Zeus' daughter (it's a little complicated, but she was born from Zeus' head after some cannibalistic activity). Zeus is Poseidon's brother. So technically, it's Percy Jackson dating his cousin's (Athena's) daughter. Will you date your cousin's daughter?

But anyway, it is a fun movie to watch. Think of a Harry Potter + Chronicles of Narnia mixture sprinkled with Greek mythology.